May 8th, 2009; 6:49 PM
I could cry...but I've been down this road before. And although I am strangely surprised each time at some things (that I shouldn't be surprised about by now), some of this seems all too familiar. I may cry later. but for right now, I feel a strange calm. I am pretty sure I know where this is going. I could of course be wrong. But I can guess a few things. I might not know *when* they are going to happen...but I am pretty sure that they are at some point going to happen. I'm pretty sure that you are using Alison right now, for comfort, sex, and to take care of you while you are injured. In a more complex way you are using her also: to inflict pain on me (to teach me a lesson -or at least that's how you would see it.). I bet you are also using her because she makes you feel good about yourself. Not because she is so nice. But more because even in your low state, she is someone that you can feel superior to. You can hold her with disdain and disaproval. You can tell yourself that you are better than -her/ smarter than her/ and going somewhere with your life -unlike her. I would bet that she probably drinks, wich will make it more comfortable for you to drink. I would bet that at some point in the nearish future (say the next 3 or 4 months) that you and she will part ways. I might be wrong. She may be the future Mrs. Bourque Bolin Queen? I don't know if you will get that job or not, but I would bet that even if you do, that there will be problems with work. If you don't get it, then you and Alison will break up sooner rather than later, and you will come home. If that happens, I might get a call from you. Maybe. Who knows? I doubt that you will ever pay me back the money that you owe me, or ever reciprocate any of the nice things that I have done for you. Knowing that, I should take this time to contemplate my response to all of this. What do I want to do? What do I think would be a good choice for me? How does one respond to this?
A part of me feels like telling everyone what happened. Just getting it out in the open, so that I will consciously use my peers pressure to my advantage. If I keep it all quiet, and do not discuss it, the benefits are that I am not talked about or judged, and if by chance I decide to forgive you/date you/sleep with you/or just be your friend, there will be room for that with ease because my friends and peers will not treat you poorly, or think badly of you for how you have treated me. And I'll be honest...a really big part of me wants to do this. But another part of me says GOD DAMN IT GIRL! AT SOME POINT YOU HAVE TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND TREAT YOURSELF LIKE YOU HAVE SOME WORTH! I want to tell you that I am only getting out of this thing one last time. And this is it. Once I'm out, I'm never going back. I don't even want to be friends. I never want to see you again. You are not worthy. And I don't wish you well. But to say something like that, and then to go back on my word, would damage my credebility. I should not say it unless I am completely committed to severing all ties. And I'm not. I never really have been. I should be. If I had a grilfriend who was going through this, and I was hired as her personal life coach, I would have her clearly, and compassionately say goodbye to that guy. -IN A LETTER. There would be no personal contact needed ever again.
I could cry...but I've been down this road before. And although I am strangely surprised each time at some things (that I shouldn't be surprised about by now), some of this seems all too familiar. I may cry later. but for right now, I feel a strange calm. I am pretty sure I know where this is going. I could of course be wrong. But I can guess a few things. I might not know *when* they are going to happen...but I am pretty sure that they are at some point going to happen. I'm pretty sure that you are using Alison right now, for comfort, sex, and to take care of you while you are injured. In a more complex way you are using her also: to inflict pain on me (to teach me a lesson -or at least that's how you would see it.). I bet you are also using her because she makes you feel good about yourself. Not because she is so nice. But more because even in your low state, she is someone that you can feel superior to. You can hold her with disdain and disaproval. You can tell yourself that you are better than -her/ smarter than her/ and going somewhere with your life -unlike her. I would bet that she probably drinks, wich will make it more comfortable for you to drink. I would bet that at some point in the nearish future (say the next 3 or 4 months) that you and she will part ways. I might be wrong. She may be the future Mrs. Bourque Bolin Queen? I don't know if you will get that job or not, but I would bet that even if you do, that there will be problems with work. If you don't get it, then you and Alison will break up sooner rather than later, and you will come home. If that happens, I might get a call from you. Maybe. Who knows? I doubt that you will ever pay me back the money that you owe me, or ever reciprocate any of the nice things that I have done for you. Knowing that, I should take this time to contemplate my response to all of this. What do I want to do? What do I think would be a good choice for me? How does one respond to this?
A part of me feels like telling everyone what happened. Just getting it out in the open, so that I will consciously use my peers pressure to my advantage. If I keep it all quiet, and do not discuss it, the benefits are that I am not talked about or judged, and if by chance I decide to forgive you/date you/sleep with you/or just be your friend, there will be room for that with ease because my friends and peers will not treat you poorly, or think badly of you for how you have treated me. And I'll be honest...a really big part of me wants to do this. But another part of me says GOD DAMN IT GIRL! AT SOME POINT YOU HAVE TO STAND UP FOR YOURSELF AND TREAT YOURSELF LIKE YOU HAVE SOME WORTH! I want to tell you that I am only getting out of this thing one last time. And this is it. Once I'm out, I'm never going back. I don't even want to be friends. I never want to see you again. You are not worthy. And I don't wish you well. But to say something like that, and then to go back on my word, would damage my credebility. I should not say it unless I am completely committed to severing all ties. And I'm not. I never really have been. I should be. If I had a grilfriend who was going through this, and I was hired as her personal life coach, I would have her clearly, and compassionately say goodbye to that guy. -IN A LETTER. There would be no personal contact needed ever again.
No comments:
Post a Comment