How I Will Think of You

Thursday, April 14, 2011 at 4:14pm

"Give me a kiss to build a dream on 

and my imagination will thrive upon that kiss.

Sweetheart, I ask no more than this

...a kiss to build a dream on."  

~Louis Armstrong

It was a warm summer night in the suburbs. The crowd of party-goers had left, leaving behind the memory of the day's festivities. The lingering energy of fun and love, camaraderie and years of time shared ...stories...and laughter permeated the home. The lights were all on and the windows were open, letting in the soft warm air. It was my grandpa's 80th birthday, and everyone came from all over. I made 80 of his favorite cherry cordial candies to share; it seemed like an endless supply at the time. Grandpa had on his favorite blue Hawaiian party shirt. We were all still flying high and enjoying being together. None of us really wanted it to end. So we pulled out some of the old records and put them on. We listened to Louis Armstrong. When it got to "Give Me A Kiss To Build A Dream On" I didn't know that song. 

"Come on! I know you know this song!" my Uncle Bob said. 

"Really, I don't." 

"Awwww....listen to it. Oh everybody knows this song. It's one of the best." My uncle and mom danced. And Grandma sat in her chair and smiled. Grandpa took my hands and did his "Tchh chchTchhhh, Tchh chchTchhhh" it sounded like an old jazz wire brush talking away, keeping the time on the cymbal. After getting halfway through the song, the vocals finally came in. It wasn't an instrumental after all. But it was a beautiful song. My uncle was right. It was one of the best. We switched up partners and danced away that night listening to Louie. I'm glad to have that memory. 

~Rest in peace Uncle Bob. I love you. And I know you loved me.

 ..."Keep smiling!"

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  Christine Bustos, Andrea Stevick, Leslie LCreezy Crebassa and 6 others like this.
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    Catherine Loftus ‎::hugs:: ♥
    

    April 14 at 11:22pm ·  ·  1 person
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    Ben Bustos what a great memory Thanks for Sharing
    

    April 15 at 6:28am ·  ·  1 person
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    Rebecca Bustos Sounds like a great evening and a great memory
    

    April 15 at 10:08pm ·  ·  1 person
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    Christine Bustos He was a good man.
    

    April 17 at 4:15pm · 

Who Knows What Is Coming...

July 9th, 2009; 12:04 AM

Current mood:blustery

When I was a baby, I was not the only baby around in my family. 

I had an older cousin Becky. She was about a year older than me. Our grandparents were very fortunate to have us both and loved us dearly. Having two babies in the family brought a lot of joy to their lives and for a while our family was close. 

Our parents were different types of people. My mom was the quintessential good girl. She went to Catholic school, and then worked at a bank and payed her way through school. She was a journalism student in the 70's. She went to finishing school, and spent an inordinate ammount of time picking out just the right outfit, and having her hair done...that is when she wasn't studying, working or dancing. She lived in the hilly city by the bay, San Francisco. -And even though she had to walk up and down those hills every day, she still wore high-heels! Basically my mom was perfect. She exemplified an unattainable perfection that I will never live up to. People loved her. She was beautiful, fun, smart, and nice. She was one of those popular girls who was popular not because everybody was afraid of her or felt in some way "not worthy"...but because she made people feel good about themselves...they felt special, and cool around her. She could make eye contact with a person and flash her smile and sparks would fly. For that moment, that person would feel as if they were the most important and wonderful person in the world. She could inspire love. Did I mention she was beautiful? She even dated a Persian prince.
Anyhow...Growing up, I always felt very loved by my mother, and her parents. But as far back as I can remember, there was always a strange and uncomfortable distance between me and my Uncle Bob. I have always felt that he did not like me. Whenever he would come around as a young child, I would try to hang out and be a part of the group. But he comes from a different era and mentality. The message was always something along the lines of "children should be seen and not heard." And then when I became older...old enough to sit at the grown ups table..it became "respect your elders."...and then when I was old enough to be on equal footing as an adult, there were undercuts about women and college, and more specifically about how college was wasted on me. It hurt. I was expected to always bite my tongue and defer to my Uncle. No matter what the situation was, or how I felt about the matter. He was the first born son. The elder. And a man. He held the position of power, authority, and value in our family. And to him, I was just a useless, whiny pup. A child. Worse, a girl. I was expected to act as a silent and obedient child and swallow my words, my tears, and any hurt feelings that I may have. As an adult, I finally had it out with my Uncle one day. He told me a story about how he used to spank me as a baby to potty train me. He would put Becky on the potty, and she would go on command. And then he would put me on the potty, and I wouldn't go to the bathroom, so he would spank me and put me on the potty again, and I still wouldn't go to the bathroom. To him this was an act of defiance, and proof that I always pretty much a jerk and a brat. He didn't take into account things like the fact that my cousin was almost a year older than me...hence she would have more practice at this whole potty training business! Or that well...um...it might be hard to pee on command, especially if I was afraid that I was going to get hit. Anyhow. I think that this initial experience had very lasting effects on our relationship. He has always thought that I was stubborn and spoiled. And I have always felt that he never liked me and didn't respect me. (Which is true. IMO) There are most likely other things at play here too, which add to the strange and strained family dynamic. My mom was adopted, and yet loved as dearly as my Uncle. I had a very close relationship with my Grandparents to the extent that I always had a room at their house, even when I lived in Colorado, and they lived in California. I had other cousins who lived closer to my grandparents at the time. So I think there might have been some jealousy there and resentment over favoritism. There were also struggles from just being different. My mother and her brother were very different types of people. They loved eachother very much, but still, their different philosophies on the world only expanded the gap in the product of their child rearing. I am very different than how my cousin Becky is. We see the world differently. Have different ideas of what it means to be responsible, and to be a good and loving daughter. We also have very different ways of handeling differences. So much of this has come to a head since my mothers illness. I have become much less tolerant of BS. I don't have the energy or resources to take much anymore. I love my family though. My Cousin is mad at me for so many things. Primarily because she blames me for her father not seeing my mother. How this came to be was a culmination of things though. My mom got sick, and I had a series of interactions with my Uncle that left me feeling really wounded, protective of my mother, and also angry at his insensitivity. He was very critical of me. And even of her at times. He would say things like "Vivian was always a klutz." -This is when my mom was learning to walk again in physical rehab. Or there was the time that my other Uncle told my Uncle Bob about my mom's neurosurgery (against my wishes, and our specific agreement that he would not do so.) I had told my Uncle Courtney that I would let my Uncle Bob know, as soon as I had more information to give him, but that at this point, I just wanted to protect my mom, and that she really needed to only be around those who were consistently and reliably supportive and kind. The neurosurgeon also requested that she NOT have visitors beyond me. He stressed how important it was for my mother to just rest and be quiet. To put it in perspective, this was a time, when even sunlight hurt her eyes. And she was moaning not speaking. Her Doctors wanted me to be prepared for the very real possiblity that my mom might not make it through the surgery. I had no room at that time for people like my unlce who was so hurtful to me more than he was kind. He brought a woman that my mother never liked when she was well to her bedside after neurosurgery. She was inconsiderate enough to go on and on about how my mother looked like she was on her deathbed, right there, where my mom could hear her...and to me, her only child, who was seriously struggling with the pain and fear of losing my mom. All I can say is: I was not a fan. And my Uncle did not win cool points with me for bringing her and agreeing with her. I will never again let something like that go down. At the time I was younger, and still more in the groove of being respectful to my elders, even if my elders didn't have any sense or consideration. Now I refuse. But I am still so torn. I want to have a close family. I want to speak with my cousin again and have her be a part of our lives. I yearn to see and know the kind and loveable side of my Uncle Bob. I know that this is in him. He couldn't be my grandparents only born child and not have this in him. They were wonderful people, who knew how to love and nourish better than most, so I am sure that my Uncle must have some part of them in him. My Cousin Henry basically told me to let it go. That it was probably not going to happen with Beck. That hurt. It's probably true. But it makes me feel more alone in this world. I have my mom, who is slowly fading. She's like a dying star. And then I have my Cousin Hank. Who I love very much and who also loves me. And then I have some distant relatives in Colorado, a cousin in Texas, and an Uncle in Illinois. None of which I have seen in the last 5 years or so. That's it for my mothers side of the family. The side that I am supposed to be closest to, and was raised with. I luckily have relatives on my Fathers side that I am close with. But not many. It leaves me feeling very much alone in this world. And yearning for the warm feelings of Thanksgivings and Christmasses of my childhood. If you had asked me as a child if I could ever imagine this outcome, I would have said no. 

There is something wonderful about the unexpected though. I also know...that in 10 years, I will once again have an unexpected outcome. Let us hope that this time around the results are unexpectedly wonderful.

Aug. 9th, 2007

• 12:43 AM

So...It's 12:43...and I'm usually deeply engrossed in a fabulous conversation with him right now. I know that we stayed up all night last night talking...and he had to work today..so he probably is passed out..asleep like a little lumpkin right now. He did say..right before we said goodbye this morning..that maybe we would talk tonight...which was unexpected...and good. But now we haven't and I'm frightened that he has had more time to feel his feelings and that he may be really mad at me right now....he *was* really mad at me this morning..but he seemed to be still quite amazing and forgiving...I hope the hate hasn't creeped up on him. It *could* be that...but it's probably that he's asleep...and I was out walking the mom around the block earlier..then walking the dog for a good long while this evening.
I had a very good and productive day. I didn't get to talk to Bree...but I will...and I got to talk to my Uncle Bob...and I called his daughter Becky...(these are relatives that I haven't really talked to much since my mom got sick.) They weren't very supportive or kind..so I decided it would be better for me and my mom if they weren't in our lives. I figured while I was on a roll dealing with super painfull hard stuff..I might as well just tackle that too...since the momentum was there. Uncle Bob was really glad that I called. He was still not perfect. But I am glad that I extended myself and made the effort to try to create an accord with him and my relatives that I've had a rift with since my mothers illness. It was the first time my mom had talked to her brother in a year. (She didn't want to do it. She really hasn't missed him much.) But she had a short conversation with him...at the end she told him to be nice to me. She stuck up for me, and told him not to give me a hard time. That she loved me and that I do a lot for her...and she wants him to be good to me. It was a very touching moment for me because my mom has been so reliant on me for so long...and I really miss the feeling of having someone..(like my mom)..who will take care of me. Who will have my back. It felt very good to be loved and protected. After she talked to Uncle Bob, we talked about that. I thanked her..and she said: "I love you BIG TIME". And then we talked about some of the harder things that I usually avoid with her. She actually instigated it too. She told me ..when she dies, that it's ok if I don't invite "them" (meaning: Uncle Bob..and the relatives who have not been so nice.) She told me that the only person she really cares about and wants to have invited is George. (and me of course). I had never really imagined her funeral that way. Just me and George. But in a way it seems like a good plan. George has been one of my moms best friends her whole life and mine. I love him like family. When things are at their worst..George is always so supportive and comforting. He has been kinder than my own family. I think facing my mothers death with him by my side, wouldn't be as painful as having the other relatives there.
So all in all it has been a great day for dealing with things that I would never like to face. But here it is...and I have...and I know I am all the better for it.

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• Mood:  tired

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

kitty8fish wrote:

Aug. 9th, 2007 11:40 am (local)

ack! a lot of deep stuff going on!
re: mr. wonderful... did you tell him *the thing* that happened that we talked about on the way to yosemite?
re: your mother... millie should be there, too! I've never met George, but I'm glad he's been so wonderful for your family (especially when the rest of your family is... not so wonderful). Also, I really wish that I had had the opportunity to get to know your mother before her illness had advanced this far. I have really adored her when I've seen her - she is so nice and wants to be useful, helpful and friendly! It makes sense, though, that she would be pretty awesome... I mean, look at you! :) I hope you're doing okay, and I'm glad your mom got to be a mom to you and that you got to have some of the deep, hard conversations that need to be had. Your momavaria wants you to be happy. And, she loves you BIG TIME! :) I love you too, and I have your back. Not in the same way moms do, but, well, I hope it makes a difference!
We talk soon? I may want to move the Simpsons movie from tonight to tomorrow afternoon, if that works. we'll chat.

vanmedi wrote:


Aug. 16th, 2007 12:42 pm

I love the fact that you notice the small details...like that I call my mom...my Momavarious...and the phrase "BIG TIME" with regards to love...and how my mom *does* always try to be helpful and friendly! You are a very good friend. And I am very grateful to have you in my life. I know you have my back. -Thank you. :-)