Sometimes the Best Quality People Go Unappreciated by the Crowds

My Grandma wasn't the kind of woman that everyone could appreciate. In a lot of ways, she was a hidden treasure. Not because she hid herself...but more...because the culture we live in doesn't tend to gravitate towards the quieter ones. She was amazing, smart, funny, and cool. When I feel the pressure of life pushing down hard on me, I think of her and try to emulate her. Sort of like "What Would Jesus Do?"...only it's more like "What Would Grandma Do?" (no offense JC...you're pretty cool too...it's just this old lady really had it going on).

Grandma was one of the younger children. She grew up in the southwest, on a farm. She had a bunch of siblings, most of them older than her. Her mother, was a notoriously hard woman. She was known for her fits of temper and rage. Her father, was a quiet man. Kind to his children. But submissive to his wife's anger. Cacimira had a right to be angry. Life had not been fair to her. She was smart. And as a child held much promise. But one day of acting out in school...a school where her father was the headmaster, shamed him so much, that he punished her forever. She was never allowed to go to school again. Never allowed to learn. To grow. To become what she could be. To become what she knew she had in her. Cacimira was robbed. And forced to live a life of hard physical labor. -Lack of education will do that. She was married off to a man (Santos) who would be kind to her, and who loved to read, but was also destined for a hard life of labor. They worked in the fields of many different farms. Bringing with them, their children, to work as well. School was a luxury. My grandma loved school. She told me stories of walking in the frozen, icy desert...walking in the dark for hours, so that they could go to school. In the Winter months, there was no agricultural work. So that was her time for education. She and her siblings would each get one hot potato for breakfast, and they'd carry it in their hands or pockets to keep warm on the way to school.

When Grandma was a teenager, her older sisters Nellie, Irene, and Gloria would go to the local dance hall on weekends. Compared to my Grandma, her sisters were glamorous women of the world. They wore makeup, and had shoes with 1" heels on them. -Not the farmer's work-boots my grandma wore. But one night, they took pity on her, and brought her along. Lord knows why!? They made it a game to make fun of Grandma usually. They called her "Piano Legs" because her legs were so long and skinny. She was skinny growing up. And she didn't have a very womanly form. Grandma speculated that perhaps one of her older brothers made them...or maybe it was their parents... for whatever reason, they took her. It was her destiny to be there that night. Because that was the night she met Henry, my grandfather. For him, making friends and being social came easily. He was a charmer. Everybody loved Henry. He spotted my grandma sitting alone at a table, in a back corner of the dance hall. My grandpa was the kind of man who always imparted to me the importance of being inclusive. So it's no surprise to me what came next...he crossed the room to go talk with my grandma. He lured her out of her shyness and asked her to dance. He didn't care that she didn't know how. He'd teach her! The main thing was, he didn't want her to feel alone. That night, he walked her home. It didn't matter to him, that there were at least a dozen other *prettier* girls there that night, all of whom could cut a rug better than grandma. -he liked her. And she liked him back. Theirs is the closest, I've ever seen to a "love at first sight". They spent the rest of their lives together. Very much in love, and dear friends, the whole way through. I hope that one day I will feel that kind of connectedness with my mate.

When Grandma got older, she had struggles with racism, and illness. No matter what came her way though, she was the most determined woman I've ever known. She kept her head high, wrote her goals down, prayed for god to watch over her and her family and friends, and for god to bless her with the right opportunity to change things. Most of the time, her prayers came true. All of the time they were answered. 

Reconciling Myself With Failure

Aug. 12th, 2009 at 5:03 PM


Sometimes making peace with failure is the hardest thing to do. I guess it's because it's a tricky subject. I think of all of those people who quit when their goals were actually possible. When they were more than capable of finding a way to improve an overwhelmingly bad situation. And they just lost heart, courage, and their own inner confidence. I don't want to be like that. But I also don't want to sink everything I've got in a man who doesn't love me. I want to be smart. I want to be good to myself. I also want to be happy. Reconciling myself with failure is very hard to do. Viewing this failure as a win seems also like lying to myself. I'm a work in progress, but I'm sure I'll get there eventually.
Location:Home
Groups:Inner Circle Peeps
Mood:  blah

Upgrade

June 21st, 2009; 10:49 PM

So I called Edward. Years ago, when he had my number, he used to call...and my caller ID would cut off at a certain number of characters, so his company name wouldn't completely show. His PI firm is called Data Probe Analysis. ...But on my caller ID it would show up as "Data Probe Anal". Bahahahahahahaha! "Data Probe Anal. Hmmm.. Edward called." ;) I'm not sure if I or anyone else ever told him that about his company's name. My guess is no.

I had a brave breakfast alone. I sat at the counter of a bustling and busy cafe and read my new book Jess gave me, and sipped coffee while I awaited my cheese blintzes. They were good. Not as good as the ones I had a few weeks back with those small wild blueberries. But the were sufficiently delicious. In a way it was good that they weren't that great. I mean TWO orgasmic cheese blintz experiences might just make me an addict. And as it is I am trying to lose weight. So it's ok that they were just on the so-so side of delish.

I had a very productive day. Helped a friend pack up her apartment and move things into storage. Bought some steer manure, multch, and drought tollerant grasses for the front yard. (I have a plan of sprucing up the place for when my mom gets home.) I also just want to make all of my life better. -For me. I was thinking about something that a friend said about me. I'm not sure when he said it, as I heard it second hand through another friend...but it was enough to shock me back to life so to speak. I have let myself become so different from who I really am. Who I want to be. And I have to seriously get to work finding my way back to myself again. I used to have cute hair! What ever happened to that?! I used to get my hair cut at Vidal Sassoon by their creative director. She used my hair to model for lessons. I had slammin' hair. And I'd get these cute, hip, edgy highlights. Swaths of bright hipster/punk color. I loved my hair. Now I have long boring hair. I grew it that way for a guy (big mistake) he liked my hair long. And I was so hungry for his approval and love that I tried to be attractive to him. So I grew my hair the way he liked it. Not necisarily the way I liked it. Big mistake. Now the guy's gone, and I have hair that I hate. Oh well. I've waited the requisite ammount of time (so that I know that it's not just bad-breakup-hair-angst...you know...that thing where women cut off all of their hair after a break up...and later regret fucking up their hair...all in the name of a broken heart.) well, I know it's not that. I'm donating my hair to Locks of Love. And I'm bringing back my sexy hair goddess...all in one fell snip. I feel good about that. And I am returning to Vidal Sassoon. No one but the best for my return to public life.
I've also started working out again. I'm considering a trainer. I would have to find one that does super slow. Probably Jeff. It's a catch 22 there. Kathleen is the best but she's moved onto nursing now and isn't a trainer anymore. Jeff comes in a close 2nd. But I'd be embarassed to return to him in the shape that I am in now. I am in the worst shape of my life. Jeff saw me in the best shape of my life. Dear god I used to have the body of an athlete. I even wore hot pants! And nothing jiggled. It's different with a guy. I'm motivated but also more self conscious in the beginning. With Kathleen, I would just be happy and motivated. I wish she was still a trainer. Bah! I'll figure that out.

I worked on the front yard today. Pulled weeds. Cut shrubs. Trimmed trees. I filled up the entire yard waste container, and worked until my hands were physically fatigued. I had hoped that I would have gotten the entire front yard done today. But that was not a realistic goal. I did do a lot though. And finished it off with sweeping the front portch, steps, walk, sidewalk, and driveway. I also put two nice blue pots with plants in front. It looks very cheery and welcoming. The dog kept me company, and didn't run off. it's nice that she's finally at that stage.

I scored a very nice easel at a garage sale. I had been borowing my friends easel, but I wanted to return it to him. I've been wanting to buy an easel for oh say...10 years or so...but never did. I finally found the right one today. The price was great. And the quality was exceptional. Some guy was selling it. He had had it made for his son who went to art school. It was custom built by a woodworker. It had all wood mortise and tenon joints with locking pegs that would run through them. It's very nice indeed. It looks practically new...like the son only used it on one...maybe two paintings. I would never commission a custom piece like this, as it seems like a monumental waste of money. But I'm really glad this guy did...and then sold it to me for a song at his garage sale! It's late...but I'm hoping to watch the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People tonight. I'm moving forward with upgrading my life in every way. Yay!

True Love

February 25th, 2009; 9:15 PM

Current mood:loved

This evening...Had lovely lovey chats with dear-heart girlfriends. -Filled with encouragement, laughter, and love. 
Came to the realization that yeah...this has been one long haul UNrequited love story. (Yeah Heather, you're right. It was unrequited.) -Filled with tragedy, betrayal, bullshit, and lots of early-aging. ...had a good laugh about that. And then realized that if I was that willing to work hard for a bad relationship..what would happen in my life if I was willing to put that energy into other realms of my life? Or a GOOD relationship? Perhaps even a REquited love story??? -Crazypants fer sure..but it seems like a possibility. Within the realm of possibility, as it were. Had a good time shooting the breeze with my Ukranian friend, and my Stinging-nettles friend, and my ski-bunny-international-rockstar friend. 
Stinging-nettles told me about a grant that I might be interested in. *MIGHT* (can I just tell you right now how much I love you? Furthering my education has always been such a highly regarded thing for me, and under these conditions something that has been heartbreakingly difficult. I seriously almost cried when you told me about the grant. Because it is something that touches upon my deepest wish. -To finish my education. ...And how cool it is Stinging-nettles that Miss Beans has found you? And how cool it is to have such love, and encouragement, and camaraderie from my peeps!)

Mom's Personal Power Journal: Day 1

May 21st, 2008; 5:28 PM
(I know this one's out of order...I just found it...)

Day 1

Two actions I've been putting off that if I took action right now, would immediately improve the quality of my life:

1. exercise

2. writing to friends and family.

2009 Determinations (the short list)

January 1st, 2009; 11:03 PM 

Current mood:contemplative

Those of you who know me well, know that at New Years, I make a list of 100 determinations for the upcomming year. I am still working on it. I have some more deep thinking to do. And I might tweak this short list of determinations too. But until the long list is complete...here's a preview of the top 10 list. I've done it a little bit differently this time by actually writing about the determination sometimes..and expanding where I normally wouldn't. Here it is:

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2009 Determinations

1. To have a positive attitude that leads to happiness and the achievement of all of my determinations. Viewing events and situations in a positive light is important. The strength, wisdom, and cheerfulness that accompany such an attitude lead to happiness. To regard everything in a positive light or with a spirit of goodwill, however, does not mean being foolishly gullible and allowing people to take advantage of our good nature. It means having the wisdom and perception to actually move things in a positive direction by seeing things in their best light, while all the time keeping our eyes firmly focused on reality.
2. Some people in my life have had contemptuous feelings and behavior towards me, and derisive things to say about me (particularly when I am not in the room.) -I want to break through this. Once and for all, I want to change my karma so that this is not a lasting thing, or a definition of my/their character. I would like to make peace where there is hate. And a friendship where there is currently a stranger or enemy. Is that possible? I'm not sure yet? And as such...it does seem that I am lacking in the "determination" part of this exercise...but I'll give this one more thought. I really do have a short list of people that I would like to foster and develop peace, compassion, appreciation, love, warmth, camaraderie, and friendship with. And in the spirit of bravery (aka...naming what you want in clear unabashed terms) I am naming some names: Oshyan, Marika, Becky, Uncle Bob, Rayonna, Joshua, Austin, and Mick. On the upside...this list is getting shorter every year. Yay shorter list!
3. My happiness and health.
4. My Momavarious's happiness and health.
5. To discipline my mind to be calm and positive.
6. To have a house that rises up to greet me and my friends, and is imbued with charm, elegance, style, and warmth. I want my home to be a place that people love to spend time at!
7. Declutter and organize. I mean streamlined baby!
8. Make more money.
9. Dedicate at least 80% of my energy to things/people/places that are positive for me. Basically...I've noticed a trend, whereby I exert an unacceptable amount of energy on people who are not nice to me, relationships that are not good for me, my own negative thoughts about others or the world in general, just that dog-eat-dog mentality that I would really like to extricate myself from. I think it's really true that we develop those things that we put energy and focus on. And although I am NOT advocating ignoring problems (see 2 was all about NOT ignoring problems) I also do not want to make them the primary focus of my life. I want to check it out and see..what life will be like if I make myself reward the good in my life. And put my energy primarily towards things which are good for me and to me.
10. Be financially responsible.

Focus on What You Want

September 3rd, 2008; 12:12 AM
Current mood:contemplative

I was thinking about all of the things that I really want to accomplish in my life. I've been striving towards them, but sometimes it seems as if I am not  going fast enough. Or that in the time allotted that life –time—will just slip away, and I will be left with a less than extraordinary life. I don't want an ordinary life. I want to really stretch and grow. BIG TIME. I have some big goals that I want to see through to fruition.

1. I want to be truly and deeply happy. –This one I can do. I know I can. I am for the most part. I need to work ..ling my state and focus more though. Because life is filled with challenges, and I feel like my life is a little heavy on the challenge end of the scale right now, but even in the midst of my darkness…I want to be happy. I want to have an inner fortitude that just shines. Not having challenges is not possible. Pretending that I don't see my challenges is not a good idea…and will only lead to the opposite results of what I want. So I am left with seeing things clearly, but choosing what level of importance things hold for me. Basically deciding to NOT let anything rock my boat too much. And to consistently refocus on what my optimal outcome is in every situation, and how I get there from where I am at.

2. I want a great job. Something that I am excited to "get the opportunity to do every day!" And jobs like that seem to be intrinsically linked to higher levels of education. So...

3. I want to finish my education. I want a Masters or PhD. There are so many fields of study that interest me. But I have to hone down that vast field and choose wisely. I love school. I look forward to it. I want to do something that contributes value to the world around me.

4. I want to be really secure financially. I want to have enough money to sell the rental and buy or build a beach house where my mother and I can have a bit of respite. And we can go there on weekends to be with our friends and family, and just relax. I'm thinking BB-Q, kayaking, surfing, sandcastles, watching the sun set over the ocean, fires in the fireplace, board games, and lot's of good conversation and laughter.

5. Ok...here's one for the crazy dreamers:
I want to go to Africa and hand out treated bed nets to help fight malaria. Crazy but true. I have wanted to do this for several years now. It's a big dream. And I have responsibilities here that keep me from doing it. But one day I will. 

6. I want my house to be clean, comfortable, and inviting. When I get home, I want to feel like "Yeah! I'm home! I am so happy and lucky to be here! What a wonderful life I have!" Which for me would mean de-cluttering, and doing some major editing. Also doing some work on the house like painting, more lighting needs to be installed in the living-room -'cause man it's dark in there! And the pool needs a deck that connects to the house so that my mom can actually use it.

There's more, there's deeper, and there's a whole log bigger and riskier. But these are the things I feel comfortable posting. 

2008 Determinations

January 2nd, 2008; 5:36 PM

2008 Determinations

1. To have a positive attitude that leads to happiness and the achievement of all of my determinations. Viewing events and situations in a positive light is important. The strength, wisdom, and cheerfulness that accompany such an attitude lead to happiness. To regard everything in a positive light or with a spirit of goodwill, however, does not mean being foolishly gullible and allowing people to take advantage of our good nature. It means having the wisdom and perception to actually move things in a positive direction by seeing things in their best light, while all the time keeping our eyes firmly focused on reality.
2. My happiness and good health
3. My mothers happiness and good health
4. To be deeply, and truly, loved and cherished by a man...I mean I want the best boyfriend/love in the universe! ...Where he knows me, digs me, and him meeting my needs is something he enjoys doing, and vice versa!
5. New Prius
6. Clean and organized house.
7. To have toso's at my house
8. Great relationship karma forever
9. Awesome friends
10. Great surf skills
11. A plasma T.V. 50” or more.
12. To be a director
13. To have Charles Gwathmey design a house for me.
14. To do really well in math
15. To discipline my mind to be calm and positive.
16. To have a house that rises up to greet me and my friends, and is imbued with charm, elegance, style, and warmth. I want my home to be a place that people love to spend time at!
17. Declutter and purge unnecessary items from my life.
18. I want to feel good about the choices I am making.
19. Have an organic garden.
20. To not be so stressed out all the time.
21. To be confident
22. To be relaxed
23. To be determined and optimistic
24. To organize my schedule
25. To respect the boundaries of others
26. To not lose hope when things take time
27. To learn to be patient
28. To get a great new job that I love, that pays well, has benefits, and allows me to take care of my mom, go to school, keep the house, pay off my debts, and live comfortably.
29. To be fully forgiven by everyone. (no exceptions)
30. Organize the paperwork
31. Be financially responsible
32. California King Tempurpedic mattress and bed
33. For the rental property to be trouble free
34. For the rental property to increase in value to $700,000
35. To sell the rental easily at that point for a profit
36. Landscape my house
37. Go on vacation to Japan with Lindsay
38. See President Ikeda
39. Go on vacation to Bequia with Sash
40. kayak from Caribbean island to island
41. Go to FNCC
42. Go to Thailand
43. Have massages once a week
44. Clear out garage
45. Do mom's taxes
46. Repay all debts
47. Donate old Volvo's
48. To improve and deepen my relationships and friendships
49. To own my own dream home. With a great bathroom!
50. To have peace, friendship, love, and good rapport between Joshua, me, and all of our friends.
51. Rebuild the fence along Don's side this summer.
52. Finish reupholstering Grandpa's chair and ottoman, and also the love seat!
53. Get the table Joelle and Gary gave me and put it in the kitchen
54. Install the new counter top
55. Create a room that my Momavarious loves.
56. Know that I can handle all of my challenges and help create win/win outcomes.
57. Celebrate as much as possible.
58. Make Christmas cards early, and have them sent by November 30^th.
59. Have a game night a few times a year.
60. Host a tea with petit fours, clotted cream and scones, and tea sandwiches.
61. Learn to knit a sock.
62. Have a cookie exchange party.
63. Take lots of photographs of me and my mom and friends.
64. Display my photographs.
65. Make a nice photo album.
66. Master my Hassie.
67. Get a DSLR that will work with my lenses or be even better!
68. Use the Sinar Bron.
69. To visit Eva and Jon
70. To visit Christine
71. To visit Hank
72. To visit Joshua
73. To visit the Avon's in Chicago with my mom.
74. To visit Lalo
75. To improve at surfing.
76. To improve at meditation.
77. To not be carried away by the eight winds.
78. To let go of all of my hurt. Especially over Joshua and Oshyan.
79. To see myself as a worthy person, deserving of respect, admiration, warm reception, and friendship.
80. To be treated well by people.
81. The happiness and growth of the YWD members
82. To really be able to help foster the youth and help them manifest their own inherent wisdom, happiness, kindness, and compassion.
83. Joshua's happiness
84. April's happiness
85. Oshyan's happiness
86. Marika's happiness
87. Tim's happiness
88. Jodi's happiness
89. Leslie's happiness
90. Will's happiness
91. Mark's happiness
92. Hank's happiness
93. Eva's happiness
94. Jon's happiness
95. Jessica's happiness
96. Ron's happiness
97. Uncle Edgar's happiness
98. Aunt Maryanne's happiness and good health
99. Grandmama's happiness
100. Lalo's happiness
101. Shane's happiness
102. Bree's happiness
103. Aidan's happiness
104. My father's happiness
105. A new surf board
106. A new wet suit
107. To finish my book.
108. To publish my book
109. To pay off the mortgage on the house.
110. To pay off the mortgage on the duplex
111. To buy a beach house, or property where I can build a beach house nearby, so that I can use it each weekend, and own it outright.
112. To go to Las Ventanas with my girlfriends for the weekend and have spa treatments, look at the stars from our rooftop, and sit by the fire in our suite!
113. Cross country ski Yosemite in winter!
114. Go to school
115. Have and maintain a 4.0 GPA
116. Get scholarships and grants for school, so that I don't have to pay for it.
117. To have my tenants treat the property very well, and have their guests and the neighborhood do the same.
118. Low maintenance tenants.
119. The housing market go up for the duplex, but to still find a great deal on a beach house.
120. To chant gongyo every day and night
121. To have belief that I can change the world in positive and powerful ways.
122. To envision things optimistically even when they are challenging or it's tough to envision a good outcome.
123. To trust people.
124. To be trustworthy.
125. To be honest
126. To sleep well at night
127. To lose fat
128. To gain muscle
129. To be sexy
130. To be svelte
131. To run the Bay to Breakers
132. To run a race with Lalo
133. To walk the dog every day
134. To foster deeper and better relationships this year.
135. To have appreciation for my loved ones
136. To appreciate my life
137. To be glad that I am here
138. To be at peace in my heart and spirit
139. To have an unshakable happiness that is not dependent on external circumstances
140. To have determination, that is strong as a demon with an iron staff, and to use that determination to break through my obstacles.
141. To have 18 orgasms in one day with Joshua.
142. For J-Lo to be well behaved
143. For J-Lo to be socialized and able to go to the dog park and not be a social pariah!
144. To insulate the garage
145. Finish the walls in the garage
146. Rewire my chandelier
147. Hang my chandelier
148. Make a dark room
149. Stain the concrete in the garage a sophisticated chocolate brown with a nice glossy finish.
150. Have barbeque's at my house.
151. Finish the deck by the pool
152. Get the pool going
153. Find great new roommates
154. Go to Hawaii again with Mom
155. Get new glasses for mom
156. Get new contacts for me
157. Go rock climbing with the YWD
158. Do a ropes course with the YWD
159. Get taiko drumming to come up here to the north bay
160. Study taiko at the SF taiko dojo
161. An awesome new MP3 player
162. For Joshua to say I love you with his doe eyed look every day
163. For me to not lose my head and get hurt.
164. To write regularly.
165. To exchange journals with Lindsay, Binky, and Sash
166. To be good at whatever I embark upon.
167. For my efforts to not be in vain, and to pay off big time.
168. To have patience.
169. To be courageous.
170. To love easily.
171. To be a person who is easy to like, love, and be around.
172. To be fun.
173. To have fun.
174. To get Christmas decorations up and done by November 30^th
175. To also take down and store said decorations in a timely fashion.
176. To sail with my father more this year.
177. To refinish the dining room table and china cabinet
178. Build an eco-friendly garden shed with great design.
179. Finish NANOWRIMO
180. Write excellent letters of appreciation to my loved ones.
181. Be better at communication
182. Be more open
183. Paint the house
184. Take really good care of my skin, ie. Use sunscreen daily, moisturizer, and regularly treat my acne.
185. Finish the stack of unfinished books that people have told me I have to read!
186. Order my seeds early this year.
187. Create a budget
188. Finish and apply the Anthony Robbins CD's I have
189. Fix the antique table in my room
190. Fix the Windsor clock so that it chimes
191. Pick and Pull mission with Will
192. Hang the pretty hooks I have
193. Paint the bathroom
194. Finish the hall faux finishing
195. Persimmon Puddings made and sent by November
196. Learn how to make ayaca's and really great arepas!
197. See a concert with Mark...White Stripes if possible
198. Fix sewing machine
199. Pay bills on time
200. Work out 6 days a week
201. Finish Body For Life at least once!
202. Go backpacking with friends
203. Get braces
204. Take better care of mom.
205. Spend at least 1 afternoon or evening a week where we go do something she really likes.
206. To not obsess
207. To be calm, fun, and easy
208. To make waffles or pancakes at least once a week
209. To practice new recipes
210. To pack my lunch usually
211. To remember names
212. Spring clean really well this year!
213. Have a chore chart
214. Use said chart daily so that cleaning is a small easy daily thing...like a little maintenance vs. a monster chore!
215. Hang out with Bree B.
216. Burn candles every day
217. Fresh flowers every week
218. Aromatherapy nightly for relaxation
219. Stretch daily for improved flexibility and relaxation.
220. To be dependable and rock solid