Wednesday, March 9, 2011 at 11:52pm
After finally emptying out the storage container with Cute Boy (thank you Cute Boy! You are wonderful and I do appreciate it!) I found myself parched. I headed down to Safeway with the pooches in the BMW. It was late, but I knew what I wanted -a gallon of bottled water. As I headed into the store, a homeless man sitting on the sidewalk near the entrance of the store started talking to me. I quickly grabbed a small cart and as I pushed it past him, he made his request. He asked me if I would buy him a half gallon of milk and a sleeping pill so that he could go to sleep? Amusingly enough, I could relate to the importance of good sleep. I am nowhere near the chronic discomfort, cold, danger, and stress of a homeless person. My life, albeit a busy one and a challenging one is still safe and blessed. Because of the stress associated with taking care of my mom until her death, and of course dealing with the enormous life changes, sadness, and adjustment to this new phase of my life afterward I have had more than my fair share of sleepless nights. I had to cancell my work-outs today because after work, I realized that I felt dangerously exhausted. A day of caffinated drinks, stress, no lunch, on top of a major sleep deficit left me feeling nauseated. Earlier I was on my way to my first post-work workout (Wed's I have two. One with Mantights doing weights, and one with Karen doing cardio 20 minutes away in Petaluma.) And I felt like passing out in the car. So...I made the call and cleared my schedule. I was actually physically cold and having a hard time warming up. I made it home, ate a healthy dinner (brown rice and butternut squash were in it! Yay! Go team healthy!) and promptly passed out in my bed. When I awoke two hours later, I was still cold and felt a little ill...but I no longer felt nauseated. -So upgrade. :) I had to clear out the storage container for the men to pick it up in the morning. Thank god my beau is so loving. He came over, and initially was ready to do the heavy lifting alone. "Point me in the right direction" he said. It warmed my heart that he was so giving. Cute Boy held me until I was warm again, and then together, we went out there and finished up the chore of clearing out the container. (I'm still amazingly and deeply appreciative and astounded by how wonderful he is and how much he cares about me.) After he left, I went to Safeway. Which brings us back to the homeless man. He began to get up to get closer to me and talk with me as soon as he realized that I was not going to just avoid all eye-contact and scurry off dismissively. I don't know exactly how to handle situations like this. On one hand, I am genuinely saddened when people become relegated to a sub-culture which is largely ignored and passed over by the general population. It must be hard existing in a world where you are invisible. Where a large portion of the population looks through you, looks past you, and doesn't even acknowledge you when you speak. As if you were a ghost. Or not even human. ...and then I also think about my mother or my grandmother. My grandma used to say that if a person asks you for a dollar give them two. If they steal from you, then they probably needed the money more than you did. I know that this sort of mentality has impacted me. I told the man that I would consider buying him the milk but not the sleeping pills. He tried persuading me by telling me that the sleeping pill (singluar!?! Weird.) was really cheap and over the counter. Only about a dollar. Which only weirded me out more. I told him firmly that I don't buy pills for anyone. Inside the store I quickly found my water and then headed over to the dairy section. I was going to get him just an individual milk. The kind that I enjoy getting at Starbucks when I'm not in the mood for coffee (which is often). I rationalized it with the fact that just because someone makes a request of you, does not mean that you are in any way obligated to fulfill that request. Especially slightly creepy homeless guys who start "giving you their order" as you grab your grocery cart outside. In the end, I compromised with my conscience and got him a quart of milk. A half gallon seemed rediculous. Especially for someone without a refridgerator. A quart of milk was reasonable. I was pushing my cart up to the express lane, when lo and behold...the homeless guy was in the store. He had come looking for me. (Nice. Why do things like this happen to me?) I put my things on the conveyor belt and stood in line. He tried standing too close to me. I backed up and put the cart between us. While still trying to be kind, I also wanted to protect myself. I was still light-headed and tired from earlier and realized just how much of a potential mark I was at that moment. He started telling me how good the water was that I was buying. He went on and on about how it was "the real deal, not like that other stuff that's just *tap-water*!" I was slightly amused that the homeless guy had *attitude* about tap water. ...You know...that stuff that I drink all the time at home. :D I guess I'm just not classy enough for him. :D He then ran his hand over the gallon of water really rubbing it on the cap. His hands were filthy. But I pretended not to notice and tried to stay in touch with my humanity. I wanted to look him in the eye. Treat him like an equal. And to remember that there but for the grace of God go you or I. It was an exercise in staying in touch with my humanity. And remembering that each and every one of us is immesurably valuable. It's so easy to forget in moments like this. I paid for my things. The 20-something year old jocks in front of me in the line looked uncomfortable. In fact, everyone looked a little uncomfortable. The man's hair was craggly and wild. I don't know if he owned a brush or a comb. Or if he even cared? Hs beard was over-grown and dirty. And he looked like he was missing teeth. His eyes appeared a bit wild. Like a ferral cat; too used to living on the edge of our world. Too accustomed to being in a position like this one to give outward signs of caring. I handed him the milk and said "this is yours." I smiled at him. And he thanked me. He looked prepared to keep close to me and follow me out of the store. Still talking loudly. A bit too loudly to be quite normal or conversational. Luckily, the checker who knows me asked if I would like help out tonight. I said yes. I felt both guilty and relieved at that moment. I felt bad for feeling uncomfortable. But I also felt relief that I would be protected. I knew I would make it safely out to my car without any awkward conversation or further requests for sleeping pills. The woman who helped me out with my gallon of water. HA! was very solid and understanding. I really appreciated it. I got in my car, drove home, and washed the outside of the water container. Then drank some and relaxed.
No comments:
Post a Comment