Monday, September 6, 2010 at 9:49pm
Tonight has been particularly hard. It's a hot night. As a child, these were the kinds of nights that I would look forward to; evenings that were so warm that you could comfortably take a blanket out on the back deck and fall asleep while gazing at the heavens above. I used to lose count watching all of the meteor showers and shooting stars. I can hear the crickets tonight. It's been a while since I've noticed them, although I'm sure they've been there. I was just preoccupied with other things. I keep thinking that it's hot. And what I'm used to doing (what I still feel compelled to do but stop myself from doing) is making sure that my mom is ok. I keep wanting to go into her room and open up the sliding glass door. Pull back her curtain so that she can look up at the stars and moon. ...Hear the crickets...feel the cool refreshing air from the evening. I want to get a washcloth and run it under the cold tap, wring it out, and bring it to her. Put it on her forehead and the back of her neck. Kiss her forehead. Tell her I love her, and that everything is going to be ok. I want to hear her giggle when I tell her that "she's the bee's Knees and the cat's pajamas." I want to hear her say 'I love you.' I want to say it back to her in return. I want to crawl in next to her and smooth her hair. And talk to her about nothing. I want to smile with her and laugh with her. I want to just breathe with her.
I can't believe she's not here.
The lump in my throat just hurts.
I just miss her so. So much it hurts.
The world is just not the same.
I am just not the same.
Tonight has been particularly hard. It's a hot night. As a child, these were the kinds of nights that I would look forward to; evenings that were so warm that you could comfortably take a blanket out on the back deck and fall asleep while gazing at the heavens above. I used to lose count watching all of the meteor showers and shooting stars. I can hear the crickets tonight. It's been a while since I've noticed them, although I'm sure they've been there. I was just preoccupied with other things. I keep thinking that it's hot. And what I'm used to doing (what I still feel compelled to do but stop myself from doing) is making sure that my mom is ok. I keep wanting to go into her room and open up the sliding glass door. Pull back her curtain so that she can look up at the stars and moon. ...Hear the crickets...feel the cool refreshing air from the evening. I want to get a washcloth and run it under the cold tap, wring it out, and bring it to her. Put it on her forehead and the back of her neck. Kiss her forehead. Tell her I love her, and that everything is going to be ok. I want to hear her giggle when I tell her that "she's the bee's Knees and the cat's pajamas." I want to hear her say 'I love you.' I want to say it back to her in return. I want to crawl in next to her and smooth her hair. And talk to her about nothing. I want to smile with her and laugh with her. I want to just breathe with her.
I can't believe she's not here.
The lump in my throat just hurts.
I just miss her so. So much it hurts.
The world is just not the same.
I am just not the same.
Jenn Knight hugs hugs hugs.
And I know - sometimes you just need your mom. Nothing else will do.September 6, 2010 at 10:00pm ·
Hank Bustos If i was there we'd totaly set up camp in on the deck!September 6, 2010 at 11:41pm · · 1 person
Becky Sanchez I want you to know that our home is always open to you and when ever you just need to escape your more than welcome here in Houston. Loev you cousin!!!September 7, 2010 at 12:47pm ·
Leslie LCreezy CrebassaWhat Jenn said.
Also, you have patterns and behaviors that you modified in order to be the most excellent daughter you were in taking care of your mother. It will take a while to figure out what life without that role is and what it means to you.
And yes, you are not the same. You will never be the same, but you can be happy and healthy again in time. There are things that happen in each of our lives that change us irreversibly.
I love you. Hour by hour and day by day, you'll deal as you can and we'll be here with you every step of the way.September 7, 2010 at 4:39pm · · 2 people
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