Tuesday, June 21, 2011

After The Long Hard Battle Has Been Fought And Lost...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010 at 2:52am



Dear god; mom. I've missed you. The world just isn't the same without you. Laughter feels empty. Nothing feels completely real anymore. It's just an empty succesion of days filled wth meaningless and empty moments. Nothing really matters anymore. I have lived to see the worst of it. Survived past the horrific and unimaginable. Been left beyond what my heart and mind could ever take. Unfortunately, I'm still here. Left in this abyss. Hollow. A shell of my former self. My heart misses you terribly. And I feel like I can't show it. I feel so much pressure to be "fine" to "be OK" to "be moving forward." To the last one especially I feel like screaming out FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU to anyone who tries to instill in me a "guilt" about how insufficiently I am handeling this loss. Fuck you to anyone who tells me through their criticism and censure that I am in essence "not doing it right". And seriously FUCK YOU to anyone who has never felt this close to someone, fought such a long, hard, and completely soul-commited battle only to face a devestating and complete loss...and yet you feel like you "understand" enough to be judgemental of me. Your critique of how I am mourning the loss of my mother is by the way...so / not/ helpful. You fail. Try again. OR...just STFU.
Sincerely...and I really mean it...
Vanessa

PS. You can kiss my ass. :) ♥
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  • Kendra Turk likes this.
    • Kerry Quirk Rego I'm thinking of you. F 'em. You're doing it the way you need to do it. Hang in there.
      October 13, 2010 at 6:12am · 
    • Diana Elrod Your way IS the right way. I am right behind you on that.
      October 13, 2010 at 8:56am · 
    • Vanessa Medina 
      Thank you Kendra. Also thank you Kerry. And thanks Diana for just always being there. I am hanging in there. Most of this anger is at a couple of people who just truly don't understand. Unfortunately one of them has been a bit of a bully/control-freak with me...and then just got angry at me when I chose to mourn my mothers loss how *I* felt best vs. how she wanted me to do it. It's just opened up a whole prickly-can-of-worms which I just cannot be around. I'm typically pretty happy and optimistic inside...but with regard to this one person/situation, I feel like the lesson is 1. Learn to stand up for yourself. 2. Follow your own path. 3. You don't have to eat a dirt sandwch and pretend that it tastes great! 4. Learn to do all of this while maintaining your innercalm, happiness, and external composure. -I'm kind of hit and miss on this one right now. :p Obviously. I just have felt so much criticism and judgemental BS from this person. She wanted me to go back to work the week of my mom's death...and has been telling me really fucked up things that she genuinely thinks are supportive about how It's time to move on. Get over it. And how I'm just not up to snuff compared to how I was before my mom's death. Well...DUH!?! It just happened! She's been telling me things like this beginning a few days after my mom's death. And I guess the anger it created in me is finally bubbling to the top and being vented via my writing. I've tried discussing it directly with her = epic fail. It only made the stuation worse. So now, my strategy is to generally disengage, and to express my feelings to my friends, just so I can let it out and let go of it. Because I totally don't want to be carrying this around forever...or even for longer than I have to. Thanks for letting me vent and still loving me, just the way I am. -Flawed but genuine. :)
      October 13, 2010 at 7:27pm ·  ·  1 person
    • Rainee Everett Stahr Hang in there kiddo. We love you!
      October 14, 2010 at 9:22pm · 
    • Vanessa Medina I love you too Rainee. ♥
      October 14, 2010 at 9:25pm · 
    • Jodi Arata Gah -- I will punch. ♥
      October 15, 2010 at 6:02pm ·  ·  1 person
    • Vanessa Medina ‎@Jodi Yes by all means, punch away. ♥
      October 15, 2010 at 11:48pm · 
    • Leslie LCreezy Crebassa For every one craptastic person out there, know you have two great people standing behind you. Love you.
      October 16, 2010 at 11:16am ·  ·  1 person
    • Vanessa Medina Luckily Leslie...the fantastic outweigh the lame-pants more like 500 to 1 ;)
      October 16, 2010 at 12:43pm · 
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