I've Got You. Trust Me. I've Got You.

January 13th, 2010; 3:32 AM
I've been home with mom. It feels like forever. I'm in a place where I feel like time is going too slowly and too quickly all at the same time. I pull myself in different directions, wanting to take care of her, get the house more organized, push her just hard enough for optimal recovery while making sure that I am still gentle and loving with her...while not being a complete, and total push-over. She usually wins. If she has her mind set on it, she usually wins. I hate to *make* her do things. Which is my failure and weakness. I've been told by the physical therapist that I am the best person for the job. My mom will do things for me that she won't do for anyone else. She loves me and we have a rapport that allows me to ask things of her that she would otherwise be unable to focus and give. I know this is true. I sort of wish that other people could work with her. But I also see it as my chance to repay my debt of gratitude to her. I love her and owe her so much. She has always been in my corner, and now I get to show that I am in hers -to the very end.

Reconciling Myself With Failure

Aug. 12th, 2009 at 5:03 PM


Sometimes making peace with failure is the hardest thing to do. I guess it's because it's a tricky subject. I think of all of those people who quit when their goals were actually possible. When they were more than capable of finding a way to improve an overwhelmingly bad situation. And they just lost heart, courage, and their own inner confidence. I don't want to be like that. But I also don't want to sink everything I've got in a man who doesn't love me. I want to be smart. I want to be good to myself. I also want to be happy. Reconciling myself with failure is very hard to do. Viewing this failure as a win seems also like lying to myself. I'm a work in progress, but I'm sure I'll get there eventually.
Location:Home
Groups:Inner Circle Peeps
Mood:  blah

Little Distractions

February 19th, 2008; 7:13 PM

Current mood:artistic

Matzah ball soup. I made it! It was good. It's just like Jewish chicken noodle soup...only with matzah balls instead of noodles. ...And no chicken or veggies...but I fixed that part. :-) I put in some chicken and organic carrots. I really liked it. It's amazingly filling. AND those little balls plump up so much when you cook them. The box said to make them the size of walnuts..and I thought ..awww..how pathetic. They're so small. But they grow enourmously in the half hour while they simmer in the broth and cook.

I have almost forged a path to the closet. (sigh). It's sad. I know that my closet is empty. Really clean too. I need to get to it so that I can put away my mountain of freshly washed clothes. I just have mystery piles of mom stuff in the way. I hate dealing with mom stuff. I found a book of hers: "The 60-Second Shrink". On the inside, she has a bunch of scribblings...she was trying to write her best friends name.

GAIBIN.

GALIIN

George

And then she was trying to write down KGO

RADDIA

RaDIIa

RaDiiO

DAtalk Radio

I just started to cry when I first saw this. I have such remorse. My mom was never crazy. She didn't need a "shrink". This was all back when her doctors were just simply wrong. And I feel so bad for not being better.

Oh well...these are life's little distractions.

Back to cleaning.

Stupid Fear

November 11th, 2007; 8:04 PM

Current mood:melancholy

So today we had another meeting with the lovely young womens division. We talked a bit about a bunch of different topics ...some buddhist philosophy woven in here and there and how it relates to their lives. ...And I felt like a bit of a hyppocrite. Here I was telling them to go forward with courage in their lives, to really manifest their buddha nature, and overcome their obstacles particularly with relationships (not just the romantic kind...friends, parents, siblings, peers, etc) and in my heart I was dying. I had somewhat given up across the board. Maybe not completely given up. But honestly I was dead in the water with no forward momentum on some relationships that were very important to me, and yet, I wasn't doing anything about them. I do have a lot of personal power, but I was/am failing to use it. It's scary when you don't know how things will turn out. Or you fear that they just won't turn out well no matter what you do. I'm afraid, so I'm not doing anything. I like to think of it as practical. Or realistic. But really it's just scared. Maybe I'll get over it soon and do something about it?