Dealing With Misogyny

Yesterday, I posted something about being a woman dealing with misogyny. And I am happy to report, that after my musings were posted, I spoke with the gentleman who's behavior led to that post.  I said what I had to say, politely, and simply. I called him out on his behavior and told him that it was not O.K. with me. That even though I had, in the past, smiled and made light of it, that, that was a CHOICE made on my part in order to quell the situation, and maintain a peaceful environment. I let him know that I would like to work it out, but I did not offer up any solutions at the time. I just wanted to make him aware of the situation, and make it clear that I would stand up for myself if he ever disrespected me in a major way again. Then I put the ball in his court. I had thought about a few suggestions or alternatives to offer up. I thought back to my younger days when I had learned all about "I" statements. But ultimately, I decided to *not*  process everything with this person. -I didn't need to. It's not like he's my boyfriend. He was just a guy who was treating me differently (with less general respect) simply because I was the only female in his environment. I also wanted to give him a chance to come up with these solutions on his own. It hampers people's development as human beings, when you provide all of the answers for them. Not only is it disrespectful to do ('cause the underlying message in that is: "Hey, I'm going to fix this for you and tell you what to do because I don't think you're capable of figuring this out on your own.") it makes the solution something external rather than internal. Fundamentally I believe in this person's ability to get there on his own. It may be a long path, but I think he's on it -even if he's not aware of it.

It felt good to stand up for myself. He was quiet for a moment, and his eyes looked down, and then he apologized. I honestly didn't expect that. This is a person who could use a good deal of anger management, and although I had contemplated offering up this suggestion, I decided against it. He is the one who must make that move. And I don't want to *coerce* anyone into doing something that they don't want to do, no matter how helpful it may be for them in the long run. There are a few exceptions to this statement such as: children who need guidance, nurturance and structure...in that case I would not be above devious mom-like tricks. Whatever it takes really to help my beloved. But this person is not that close to me. He's a *friend* but not a best friend. And it seems that he needs to find his own path. I hope that he does. Living his life the way he does, with such consistent anger and disrespect towards approx. half of the population, ironically primarily hurts him. It ensures that he will be without a mate -because no self-respecting woman would choose to be with someone who has no respect for her or her sisters. It also pushes people away from him (his male friends AND me). -From what I can tell, I think I'm actually his ONLY female friend. That's pretty telling in and of itself! It limits the kinds of jobs that he can have and do well in. His whole life really. The longer he lives with this bitterness in his heart, the more self-fulfilling his beliefs become. He said something about love never working out and always leading to pain. Well...if you really believe that...then I'm afraid, that's what's going to be true for you in your lifetime. I know that a lot of his anger towards women stems from his still hurt feelings from past relationship failures, and for that, I have compassion. It's hard when things don't work out or when people don't treat you the way you'd like to be treated. It's sort of like he was once a beautiful butterfly who's had his wings crushed and mangled with defeat, and now, instead of straitening out his wings and giving himself all of the healing and love that he deserves, he's embraced the mangled crushed look, and become a curmudgeony old bug instead of a dazzling monarch. I wish you well butterfly. Get back to your roots because at the heart of it, I know you're a beautiful person. Learn to love and appreciate women. See them as your equals. Treat us like your beloved sister or mother, friend, or child. Learn to love with your whole being. I will be rooting for you. ...But just in case...I will also be carrying a fly swatter for when you get out of hand. ...Just sayin'...

Let It Go

April 27th, 2009; 3:08 PM

Current mood:blah

I'm having a hard time today. I want to be at work. I want my mom to be feeling better than she is, and able to go to the bathroom on her own. I also want to clip her nails and cut her hair (but she won't let me).

This morning, I tried to do my morning ritual, where I think about all of the people I love and how that makes me feel, then I think about all of the people that love me and how that makes me feel, then I imagine my life as I would like it to be and really feel that feeling then go. Usually I hop out of bed with eagerness and that Christmas morning feeling...but this morning my mind kept getting hung up. I couldn't focus. When I thought of the people that I loved, they seemed so distant, like faded memories, or imaginary friends. Something not real. Something that maybe once was, but was no longer current. And when I thought of the people who loved me, I just felt so empty. Like maybe there's someone out there that loves me? I'm not sure? I kept thinking that all of the people who really loved me deeply are either dead, or dying. Or if there is love, that it is shallow and pale. (Basically, I was feeling down.) It was hard to rally. I kept trying again and again, telling myself that I was not going to get up until I could get it right. Until I could get my head straight. I kept trying to force myself to envision my life in a great way. A positive outcome. Something wonderful and filled with safety, abundance, laughter, levity, joy, friends, family, my mom being well and happy. I just couldn't do it. It felt so fake. I kept thinking about my father (a man that I almost NEVER think about, except in times like these.) Unfortunately, when things are hard, somewhere deep inside of me is a persistent reminder, that my father is not here. That he never was here for me. That he is out there somewhere, living the lifestyle of an aging playboy/B-rate James Bond/Rockstar. A self centered, yet lavish and wonderful life. He's got the car, the boat, the plane, the penthouse, and endless nights out on the town, with countless women. He has the freedom to travel, and does often. And he feels no attachment or obligation to me. He does not really care about me. For the most part, I am ok and do not think about this. "So what" is my predominant attitude with regard to Edward. But I do feel cheated. Shortchanged. And I'll admit it, bitter. He should have been a better husband to my mother, a better son to my grandmama, a better brother to my Uncle Edgar, and a much better father to me. And I have to let it go and move on. I have before. I will again now. I have to stop thinking poisonous thoughts about why he never really loved me or has ever come to my rescue. I have to let that go for my happiness. And honestly, just say, SO WHAT! He's never shown up. It's not his style. That's ok. You are going to be just fine. You've never had him to help shelter you from day one, so who cares now? It's not like you are missing anything that you have ever become accustomed to. Think of the plus side? -You are much stronger BECAUSE he was never there. You have developed fortitude and the ability to overcome obstacles because you have had to. This is a blessing. It is a strength. And of course when you are in the process of learning new things and developing those strengths, it will not always be easy...in fact almost by definition, it will be hard...whenever you are stretching and growing, things are hard until you have mastered your new skill...so feel good about all of this challenge...feel proud and exceptional! You are growing! Tomorow you will be tougher and stronger than you are today. And one day, you will look back on all of this, with more wisdom and understanding than you have today. One day, you will be grateful for all of these life lessons.

Push

April 21st, 2009; 3:20 PM
I live to check the possibilities, 
to stretch, to grow, 
to do the unthinkable, 
to be something 
wild, 
and new, 
and different, 
than I was a moment before.

Transforming Poison Into Medicine

February 16th, 2008; 11:54 PM

Current mood:determined

"Life contains the capacity, like flames that reach toward heaven, to transform suffering and pain into the energy needed for value-creation, into light that illuminates darkness. Like the wind traversing vast spaces unhindered, life has the power to uproot and overturn all obstacles and difficulties. Like clear flowing water, it can wash away all stains and impurities. And finally life, like the great earth that sustains plants and vegetation, impartially protects all people with its compassionate, nurturing force."

~Daisaku Ikeda