Happy Birthday La Suprema

La Suprema's birthday came and went. It wasn't the sad day that I had anticipated. Instead, I went out to Sebastopol and picked up one of her favorite cakes (a Parissienne) from Patisserie Angelica, and brought it to ladies night. With my gang of bad-ass girlfriends, we lit up the cake and collectively sang La Suprema a posthumous birthday song. Then, we all blew out the candles together, making wishes for our own happiness and joy. La Suprema would approve. Love you Mom. Where ever you are. The world isn't the same without you...but I'm working on bringing back enough inner joy for two.

A Few Things About Me...

I am not the girl who is out of your league. I don't think that I will ever be that person. I'm too approachable. I'm more like a friendly puppy.

I like the smell of your sweat on my sheets. When you're not here, and I am wrapped up in them, sometimes I get a good hit of your manly-scent. It makes me smile. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and relax. Enjoying the smell of you.

I will always try to play Win/Win in my life. No matter how anyone else is playing.

Suicide & The Dalai Lama's Glass

"What do you think about when you are depressed?" my boyfriend asked me. 

I immediately thought of myself earlier that morning, sprawled out in my bed, naked except for my mom's soft blue robe wrapped around me. My body pressed up against the cool crisp sheets. And inside, I was wishing, yearning almost, to be there, slowly bleeding to death. I envisioned my neck...and felt it nestled up against my pillow. I pictured the warm, sticky crimson blood flowing out into the pillow. Soaking it in, like a bandage. My fingers were unfurled like petals of a flower. In my mind's eye, my wrists were bleeding too. Blood was flowing out. The warmth that was inside of me was soaking into my sheets and making my bed warmer. Like a blanket or fog...a warm red fog, slowly creeping up on me and flowing around my curves, finding it's way into every nook and cranny.  

Of course I couldn't very well tell him that *this* was what I thought about when I was depressed. So I said "Private stuff." I know he was trying -sweet boy. But I was embarrassed about my thoughts. Embarrassed about the comfort that they gave me; and not sure that I could explain it to him in a way that wouldn't scare him, or cause him pain or fear. There is such freedom in dying. I don't think I will ever be afraid of death. It's like a warm welcome home to me. Other people dying however...or the thought of living...now those are the things that scare me. I'm terrible with good bye's of any sort. Be it on the phone...or the permanent good bye of death. l don't anticipate killing myself either. But the thought of it is freeing. It's sort of like...well...if I have nothing left to live for...then I have nothing really to fear either. In a strange way, having your heart obliterated is freeing. I've been blown away. Every last part of me that means anything is gone. Like dust in a storm, blown far out into the great beyond. I have no meaning right now. I have to find meaning. Why am I here?

Sabrina told me a story once, about the Dalai Lama. She said that every day, the Dalai Lama would drink from this ancient glass. It was priceless. And one day, someone asked him "How can you do that? Aren't you afraid that you might drop it? Or break it?" The Dalai Lama replied, that "The glass was already broken." in his mind, the glass had broken years ago; therefore freeing him from the attachment and fear of breaking it. ...Therefore freeing him to use it every day and enjoy it. This has always been the best way I know how to explain my feelings about my own life. How I feel about suicide, the inevitability of my own mortality, and in turn about the life that I have to live now. In my mind's eye, *I* am the glass. And I have broken years ago. I try to remind myself of that when I feel the world closing in on me...and I feel nervous or scared about the life and obstacles that are stretched out in front of me. I just remind myself that I am gone already, and that I am free. And then I am free to take action and live my life. 

How Much Is a One-Way Ticket Around The World Anyhow???

There are so many places that I have wanted to visit. Stories that I have read of exotic locations and adventures...which in turn have lead me to dream of one day visiting them myself and having my own adventure. The spice markets of Marrakesh...The old walled city of the Medina...Cool tile rooms and fountains where you wash your hand and feet...I want to explore the world. To be a woman without bounds. To find out why life is worth living again.

Amy would *guffaw* at this. She would compare it to her husband when he considered doing the same when it looked like their marriage wasn't going to work out. She called it being like "Cain walking the earth". -It was not a compliment. I'll admit that when it was Sid and not me, the idea seemed a bit ridiculous. Not because setting out on a great adventure like that was a bad idea per se. But more because of his circumstances. I thought that he was drawn towards this because he was in essence giving up. Saying "Uncle" to the world. I guess it doesn't really matter now anyway. Both he and Amy have packed up together and disappeared into the world. True, she's not exactly walking the earth...she's more a stay at home wife, going where he goes...wherever there's a job and the money takes them. Louisiana, some Indian reservation in the Southwest, and finally Alaska or Canada. Depending on which side of the border they actually live on. The last time I saw her was at the church for my mothers funeral. She left town right after that. Some part of me doesn't think that I will see her again. But I guess the diaspora of friendships is part of growing up?

I was looking at the RWT for Virgin, and realized that I could hit three birds with one stone here. 1. I could get a vacation that would thoroughly reset my life, recharge my battery, and get me back in touch with the fearless me that is excited to be here. 2. I would finally get to take a flight on a Virgin flight and possibly even get one of those nice reclining suites. Nice. (silly...but this has been on my determinations list for years now...and who am I to discount or downplay the validity of a dream...let alone *my* dream?) 3. I have been much like a caged bird for years now. Tied down by my duties. This would be a good way of letting the little bird in me know, that she is truly free now.

The First Easter Without You

Last night was rough. I don't know why that is? George mentioned something once about how sometimes in the night...it's almost like a demon just gets up and gets a hold of you. Making your fears, your pain, your failures all seem so much more magnified. But that it's all just an illusion. And if you can hold on till morning. Just take some time to sleep and relax and refresh yourself...in the morning, everything will be much clearer. Things will be all right. Grief fades, love grows.

I found your old Easter basket from last year. I remember how much I loved putting it all together. Finding just the right ribbon...the right bunny. And stocking it with *your* favorite things. Not just the typical Easter basket fare. I put in a big glass jar of Planter's peanuts, and some smokehouse almonds. I remember how your eyes would light up and you would smile. "Whachagot?" And how I would come in to check on you later on and find you happily munching away going through your basket of goodies. I remember the joy it gave you, to share with me. And how you would give me *one* peanut at a time. Like a mama elephant feeding a baby elephant. :)) You could go on merrily like this for a while, Until I finally said "Thank you." "One more." You'd say and place another peanut deep into the cup of my palm. I love how you expressed your love so effortlessly in everything you did. In words. In the way you lovingly smiled and looked at me. In your contentment and joy. In the peace you brought to my heart.

Find Yourself In The Middle...Keep Looking...You're There Somewhere!

So much of my life right now feels like searing pain. Unfortunate circumstances have led me here to this place, where I feel utterly alone. I know that I am not alone. In fact...I have many people who love me. I have a wealth of amazing people that I call friends. Good people. Who have been here for me in the most horrifically dark period of my life. And family too. I still have that. Not the people who raised me, it's true. The heart, the core three people are missing. But *I* am still here.

I miss you.

Every once in a while it wells up inside of me, and screams through my soul.

I miss you. 

It still hurts. I try not to feel the pain. I try my best to be fine...

Ron gave me a talk this week.

He said on one side, there is depression. And even though it's not that good for you or that great...it can make the pain of what I am going through fuzzy. Sort of like crawling into bed and wrapping myself up with blankets and sleeping. The pain is still there...whatever is causing the pain is still there...but for a while I can drown it out in my depression. I can sleep and avoid the searing pain.

On the other side there is this rose-colored glasses thing I do. Where I try to be happy and optimistic no matter what I am facing. He described it as:
Q. "How are you doing?"
A. "Oh I'm fine. I lost my right arm. It got tore off and I'm bleeding. But I still have my left arm so things are great! But you know...this is really good because it gives me a chance to make my left arm stronger."

It made me laugh. I know that I do that.

And somewhere in the middle is my Buddha nature. I am going to chant to the gohonzon as if it was a mirror...and to chant to be able to see my Buddha nature. Not just to develop my wisdom...but to be able to see it in myself. Being a Bodhisattva is easy enough. To stretch myself to have compassion for others is something that I have developed quite well within myself. But to make that leap...to move one step higher than that, and to not only extend that compassion to myself but to also be awakened. To see the world as it is. To see my problems for what they really are. To see my fortune for what it is. The people that I treasure. The profound gifts that are within myself. To honor myself and see my Buddha nature, and interact with the world around me from that place of joy, love, splendid happiness and wisdom. Confidence. Not the fake happy where I try to diminish my pain or challenges. But something genuine. Where I am really myself.

It is hard to imagine a me, that is really me...that can move mountains.

I have been living my life going through the motions. Saying inside "Fake it till you make it." Holding tight to my vision of what can be...while the reality of my situation keeps getting worse. I know that I will keep going through the motions. "Trying." But what if the world continues to crumble? As long a I am alive I have the power to *manifest* things. To *manifest* real changes in the world and in me. For that reason alone, I will keep walking through this fire. I will keep *trying* until *trying* falls away and becomes *doing*.