Day Thirteen of the Juice Fast

Today, I cooked. I'm still juicing today, but I felt in control enough to actually set to work in the kitchen and make two big pots of ox tail stew with fresh pinto beans. They're on the stove right now cooking over a low simmer, and should be done in about three more hours. I haven't made this recipe since I was a teenager, but I felt confident that I could still make it from scratch, seeing as it was a general staple in my house growing up. My grandparents, who are originally from the Southwest and lived for many years in Colorado, had a large pot of this on their stove year round. It's actually a pretty healthy and tasty dish. It's filling and provides a lot of plant based protein, so I'm making it for my Cute Boy to nosh on while I continue on with the juice fast. 

For dinner, I also made him some light fluffy scrambled eggs and oatmeal buttermilk pancakes. I'm freezing the rest so he and the 'mates can have quick easy healthy breakfasts available. 

Now one would think that all of this cooking would send me into a rabid food frenzy, but strangely, it's just the opposite. I love to cook. Moreover, I love to feed and nourish the people that I love. It makes me feel good to take good care of them. I will admit, it's a comfort to me. It's one of the more pleasant memories and habits that formed over the  many years I spent caring for, and fattening up my terminally ill mother. And now that she's gone, it comforts me to be able to cook for others. I guess in some way, some part of me, imagines that she is still here somewhere...waiting for dinner. :) (Oh how I wish!) But even though she's not here to taste the food, I can still picture what she would say if she were here. She'd smell the fresh garlic and onions cooking, and turn the stew with the ladle to see how it was coming along. And right after her first bite, she'd say with enthusiasm "MmmmMmmm Mmmmmmm!" And now, the Cute Boy does it; and that fills my cup with love. 

An interesting side note about juicing in the midst of a kitchen full of tasty rich smells and food...the freshness of the juice was actually very nice. And I found myself happy to have it instead of something heavy. 

Things I learned today:

1. Juicing continues to get easier. 
2. Cooking gives me comfort and helps me de-stress, even if the food is not consumed by me. 
3. My heart needs people to love and people to feed. I guess this means I have the soul of a true cook. :)

Day Eight of the Juice Fast

sSo yesterday was day EIGHT! And I made it through! I even sniffed my housemate's pizza, and admired how nice it looked. OK so I know that sounds silly...and like I MUST be jonesing for a pizza if I'm *sniffing* it like a drug...but I just wanted to enjoy the smell. with out having to indulge in the actual pizza itself. -And I did! Being able to pass on foods that would usually send me spiraling into a mass craving attack is a skill that I am *actively developing* in myself...and that's pretty cool as far as I'm concerned. This kind of stuff has historically NOT been my forte. But I'm getting better at it and learning so much through this juice fast. 

All in all, the juice fast it's self went really well yesterday, and was one of the easiest days so far. I had very minor cravings, which were easily re-focused and re-directed. I enjoyed the taste of my juices. And overall felt really well. I did have a moment of sadness, when someone posted this meme on Facebook about moms. It went like this: 

The last part about being willing to give everything up for my Mom to be here with me really got to me. I realize in a way, I have given everything up, but that doesn't bring back a loved one. The tears welled up inside of me and poured out, as I contemplated all of those adult years ahead of me -a vast stretch of time to me, where my mom wouldn't be around. I grieved the loss of the adult relationship, that we will never have the chance to have. And there's some really good stuff there. It makes me sad to think about all of those milestones and victories that my mom will not be here to share with me and my family. I miss her so much. And I love her so much. Where ever she is, I love her bigtime. Man...I WISH that I could go over to my mom's house and see her. I WISH that when I get married some day that my mom would be there laughing, dancing, and celebrating with me. (So I guess I'll just have to imagine that that's what she's doing in heaven on that day.) I WISH that she would gently and proudly hold and sway and dance with her grandchildren and tell them how loved and how beautiful they are and how proud of them she is. I know my mom well. I know, that if she was alive and healthy, if her disease had never taken her life, that she would be doing all of these things. I miss her so much. She had a kind of magic and love that I really miss. 

Anyhoo...I just want to say...that this diet isn't a magic cure-all for never feeling sad again. I did feel very sad. But I also, cried and let it go, and then felt better. -So no *depression* after feeling momentarily sad. Which is pretty effin' cool! I also didn't go running to food to comfort myself. Which was also very cool. 

Yesterday, I got a chance to talk with one of my best friends about the juice fast, which was really nice. She had so many good questions and we talked back and forth about our mutual issues with food and cravings and how we relate with food. She inspired me to keep making positive strides towards my good health. Let me just say, I LOVE talking with my friends about things like this. I get so much feedback and learn so much from what their experiences are. Plus, many times, they have a perspective that is a little bit different from mine, and they teach me the things that they have already learned. -Which is very helpful. So thanks! :)

After our chat, I got on the interwebs and started looking at YouTube videos of other people who have done juice fasts. Wow! There are a lot of them out there. The thing that struck me about quite a number of them, were the unhealthy pallor that many of the juicers took on after doing extended juice fasting. Their skin did NOT look like mine. In the last week, my skin has become markedly better. It's more radiant. It's not perfect by a long shot, but I can tell over time, that my acne will be much better after doing this for a few more weeks. A lot of them had also lost substantial muscle tone -which is something that I want to avoid at all costs. I have a long history of weight lifting. It's something that I really enjoy and I plan on not only maintaining the muscle that I have, but on building more of it while doing this juice fast. One more thing that came up while I was looking at these videos was the strict and restrictive approach that many of these people had. It was like they expected to consume nothing but juice for 30, 90, 100 days...and then eat nothing but raw fruits and vegetables. Which struck me as totally crazy and untenable. No wonder so many people aren't able to stick to this for long. My goal is to keep on doing this juice fast until: 1. my GI Tract issues are resolved. I want to be off of my medication for these things, I want to feel good in my body, no more intestinal or abdominal pain, no more vomiting, no more chronic diarrhea, and I would like for my labs to be normal.  My secondary goal is weight loss. I want to be healthy. So far, I am well on my way to achieving all of these goals and it feels good to be making progress in a positive direction in my life. But I really have to come up with a plan for my juice fast. I am nearing the 10 day point. My initial goal when I saw the "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" documentary was to just juice like the truck driver until I was in shape. But after a few days, I switched my goal to doing 10 days. At which point, I will have a free day and then get back on the juice fast. I am tossing around a few ideas and am trying to figure out how I want to do this. What I'm thinking about doing (and most likely will) is incorporating several ideas that I have learned over the years, from "Body for Life" and also my years as a McDougall vegetarian. 

So...from "Body for Life"...I'm pretty much going to do the whole weight lifting and fitness regime. Weight lifting 3 days a week, and doing cardio on the off days, with one free day a week, where I don't have to exercise AND I can eat WHATEVER I WANT for 24 hours. :) I'm building up slowly to this goal and beginning with walking the dogs and going to the gym 3 times a week. Eventually I'll get up to 6 days a week. The idea of a free day seems so important to me though. I remember that it really helped me stick to the diet before. It was like a little mental trick, I knew I could eat healthfully because all I had to do was make it to Sunday and then I could have whatever special treat I wanted. And one day of eating what you want, will not stop weight loss. If anything it makes long-term healthy eating something that is actually *doable* because you have space for cravings and eating what ever you like without judgement or feeling bad. It's like a planned pressure release, so that I don't feel "deprived". The other thing that I was thinking about is doing one week of juice fasting, and one week of eating McDougall and juicing, and switching back and forth. I may end up doing this if simply juicing feels too restrictive. But I'm setting this up as the perimeter of my diet, so that I can fall back to it as a contingency plan if I need to, but also so that I continue on with my juice fast in some way. One other thing that I am thinking about is incorporating soy-based protein shakes because I really DON'T want to lose muscle. I don't want to end this thing looking gaunt and pale and like a good stiff wind will knock me over. I want to be radiant and healthy. Strong and full of energy. So, if I notice that I'm losing muscle, or if building muscle becomes too hard on this diet (which it *may* because I'm not eating very much protein...there is *some* protein in some of the vegetables that I am juicing...but who knows if it'll be enough to maintain healthy muscle tone?) I guess we'll just have to see and make adjustments as needed to address the issue of muscle building. Anyhoo...these are the things that I'm playing around with in my head. But I want to come up with a clear plan so that I am not just at the sway of my momentary instincts/cravings. So I'll be thinking about it. And have the plan in place by the end of day 10...which is TOMORROW!!!! YES! I am so excited. 

Things I learned today:

1. Juice tastes SO much better with a few ice cubes in it. Room temperature juice just isn't the same.
2. Talking with friends makes juicing easier and is a good way of getting feedback and ideas. My friends have a lot of wisdom to share. I bet yours do too!
3. The cravings really do get easier.
4. I'm paying more attention to the emotional connection to eating now. And noticing how stress cues my body to eat comfort food. -But not any more....I'm also noticing how I can change that, once I am aware of it, and the underlying emotional causes. SWEET!
5. I have to have a plan that includes enough protein to build muscle. Period. 
6. I also have to have an eating plan that is something that I can enjoy long-term. 

The 2nd Thanksgiving

Dear La Suprema,
I love you. And I miss you so much. I don't know how to do this without you. I was listening to a book on tape today "The Art of Racing in the Rain". It's about a guy and his dog. The whole story is told from the perspective of the dog, Enzo. It's a good story. And it seems so familiar. The narrative style, the intimacy and play between the dog and his owner. Enzo is old. He's at the end of his life. In the story, Enzo has an accident, and his owner hoists him up into the tub and cleans him up. Cradling him gently. "I wanted him to see the obvious, that it is OK to let me go...He needs me to free him, to be brilliant. He is so brilliant. He shines. I will miss him, and he will miss me, but I can't let sentimentality cloud my plan." He plans on coming back in his next life as a man, and finding his owner, to shake his hand and congratulate him. He has so much faith and love for this person. And it reminds me so much of you, it hurts. It also makes me think of this whole thing in a different way. Maybe, none of this was meant to hurt? Maybe the subtlety and nuances of human communication and understanding, have clouded the message that I am supposed to embrace. Perhaps this dog has it right? Maybe you had to go, to free me. Because you loved me so much. I would never have left you. I would have spent the rest of my life loving you and taking care of you. God I miss you so much. Mac and I have been having some stupid fights. He asked me how I was feeling about Thanksgiving, and if I wanted to talk about it. Usually, I don't. I don't want to talk about it. But I did this time. Compared to last year and the first Thanksgiving without you, this year was better. This year, everything felt like a let down. Pleasant but numb. Last year was a combination of terrible and beautiful. So I guess numb is an upgrade? But I wanted good. I miss family. I miss making you happy and seeing you smile. I miss hugs. I miss having someone who loves me so much, they just light up every time I see them. God I love you. Wherever you are. I love you.
Vanessa

The Comfortable Feeling of Being Known and Loved

She had a way of making you feel comfortable in your own skin, and just feel good. I remember days, times, being  together, just *being*. Laughing. Being known and loved. And feeling so content and full of joy that it seemed that the both of us just shined. Sunshine just shooting out of us from all angles.

We glowed together. 

I miss her. It's been over a year now, and I still miss her. I feel haunted. I went from not being able to dream of her, and wanting so desperately to be able to, just to be able to hug her and laugh with her, tell her I love her one more time, and to hear it from her; to dreaming of her almost every night. That's something only Mac knows about me. -And now you. I dream of my dead mother every night. In my dreams she comes to me. Sometimes I remember that she's dead in my dreams, and sometimes I don't. But always, we are together, and I feel the love.

Living in her old house, my childhood home, I realize that in some way, my heart has been waiting for her to come home. My family has been in this house so long, I know every sound. I even know the sounds of the cars in front of my house. I remember a younger me, sitting in my room; I would hear the muffled sound of my mothers Volvo come up the street and park in the driveway. Sometimes, she would stay in her car a few minutes longer enjoying the song that was on the radio. And then, I would hear her car door shut, and she would bounce up the front walk and steps, keys jingling, the all too familiar sound of her opening the lock in the door, and then bounding in the house. She'd call out to me and come find me, fresh faced and happy -always happy to see me. She loved coming into my room and sitting on my bed and catching up with me. I loved it too. I would do the same thing to her. When I would come home, I would find her and come sit on her bed. We'd talk about our days. The people in it. The things that frustrated us, or made us feel real good. She worked at the post office in Sonoma, as a window clerk. Sonoma's a small town. And everybody knows everybody else there. I remember times that I would drive the 45 minute commute (one way), just to have the pleasure of her company. We'd leave early in the morning, sometimes as early as 4 O'clock, when the world was still cold, dark and quiet. I would drop her off in the morning, and pick her up at the end of the day. Now that I'm older, and gas prices are obviously much higher, this seems like a strange thing to do. But we loved it. We both really loved each other. And being together, doing nice things for one another, was part of that joy. I hope to find that again. In me, and in other people. I love you Momma, and I still miss you. You were one special lady. 

Healthy, Healthy, Healthy Frog Ass

I just had to post this here. I was thinking about it today, and realized that I didn't want to lose or forget this.

Vanessa Medina

google translate just told me that the translation to one of my favorite cooing/soothing stories/songs that I know from childhood is actually: "Healthy, healthy, healthy frog ass." -Close google. Close but not quite. BUTT very amusing.

 ·  · October 3, 2010 at 11:14pm

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    Cody Refreshingbeveragegrinder Parson that is AWESOME! I have to know, which song?

    October 3, 2010 at 11:18pm · 
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    JoãochOx Vieira Jr. primaaa!! como estas??!!! se le quiere mucho!!

    October 3, 2010 at 11:26pm · 
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    Vanessa Medina ‎@ Cody: it's "Sana, sana, sana culita rana" it's basically the story of a little tadpole who's lost it's tail. And it hurts and it's sad. But the story goes "Don't worry little tadpole, though you've lost your tail and you may be sad and in pain right now, you will get better. And soon, you will be a great big frog." It's like a soothing cooing that my mother and grandmother used to do. When my mom got sick, I would do it to her too. The "sana, sana, sana" is the most important part. It's not just about the words, but about *how* it's done. It's an expression of love and care. Sana means heal. So you say "sana, sana, sana" (heal, heal, heal) and all the while you stroke the persons head/their hair. You soothe them. And kiss them/rock them/hug them, whatever. It's also a metaphor for change and how painful it can be sometimes...but also how it is growth. And at the end of it, one will be stronger than they are now.

    October 3, 2010 at 11:37pm ·  ·  1 person
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    Cody Refreshingbeveragegrinder Parson I dig it. and, yeah, good job Google lol

    October 3, 2010 at 11:41pm ·  ·  1 person
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    Vanessa Medina Yes google...some things just can't be translated into words I guess. lol

    October 3, 2010 at 11:53pm · 
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    JoãochOx Vieira Jr. is the form of lenguaje!.. xD

    October 3, 2010 at 11:54pm · 
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    Becky Sanchez that is hysterical, I love words lost in translations lol que viva Google!!!

    October 4, 2010 at 4:54am ·  ·  1 person
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    Vanessa Medina I know Beck, isn't it funny! Can't you just imagine..."Healthy, healthy, healthy frog ass." There. Now don't you feel better? ;)

    October 4, 2010 at 6:55am · 
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    Rainee Everett Stahr I've been using Google translate at work to help the students with their pre-trips and driving.... God only knows what I'm telling them to do......no wonder they don't stop....

    October 4, 2010 at 8:06am ·  ·  1 person

    
    

Letting Go A Little More...

So we (MacArthur and I) went out to the ocean today and scattered some of my mother's ashes. We hiked down to a beautiful small cove and said a few words. It was a strange combination of heavy, painful, and freeing. Such a weight was lifted when it was all done.

On the drive out to the beach, I was quiet. First, I got a call from Noreen (FHA president). She asked me how I was doing, and was actually very nice. I was glad I got a chance to connect with her, specifically *not* as her employee. For so many years, I worked for her, in such fear because of the things that my supervisor would say. She created an atmosphere of fear. I never really got to see Noreen as a whole person. As a human. I remember the guidance that I got from Niki was to keep under her radar. She made it seem like Noreen was a fire breathing dragon. When in fact, she's actually a very nice person. I mean she's just a normal human being. Powerful -yes. But that is *not* a bad thing. It's encouraging. I am always inspired when I get to see a strong woman in action. It's empowering *to me*. It helps me see that "I can do that too"! That I can develop those leadership qualities in me and help empower others (both women *and* men) in the world.

The next call I got on the way out... was from a gentleman from the cemetery. He told me that they had gotten the permit in sooner than anticipated, for my mother's burial, and that we could do it on Monday. So we moved it up a day.

The sooner the better is now my attitude. I realize that I have been carrying this enormous weight this last year. So much grief. So much seriousness and sadness. I feel like I have been dying slowly. On Monday, when we lay to rest, the remainder of my mother's ashes, I anticipate that it will not only feel like a relief and give my heart some peace and rest; but that it will also be somewhat like a symbolic death and burial of the last vestiges of the me that was before. The last of the old me. The child that could never imagine this kind of tragedy, or living past it alone. It's time to live. To embrace *living* -with joy. -Even without my mother. I'm kind of like a begrudging little caterpillar...that didn't really want to shed it's cocoon and blossom. I really didn't. I wanted to stay a caterpillar. Comfortable and loved by all of my caterpillar friends and family. But that's not how life worked out. I keep telling myself though that: this is a great opportunity to forge my life into whatever my heart desires. I'm casting off everything that I've ever known. Losing everything. Having my heart and family torn away. But having the space and opportunity to build a new life. Develop deeper relationships with distant family members and making them *not so distant*. -Close even. And I am so grateful for all of the people who have loved me through my darkness. And through my sadness. George, my mother's best friend, has always been a source of encouragement, strength, and laughter; which in my opinion is completely necessary for surviving the Spanish Inquisition. "No one *expects* The Spanish Inquisition" they say...but it happens to us all at one time or another in life. Heartbreak is part of being human. It's part of loving. And I guess it's worth it.

I felt so close to MacArthur today. So lucky that he is my love. And so sheltered from the storm by his love. Jodi put it well, when she said "I'm not the kind of person who believes in God. But if I *was* I would find it amazing that just as one great love of your life leaves...another one arrives." Truer words were never said. And I am so grateful for the grace that God, The Universe, or what-have-you has bestowed upon me.

I plan to go forward with my life, and live in a manor which would make my mother proud. I will be happy. I will have joy in my heart. And I will develop my abilities and contribute something of worth and value to the world around me. 

Interring My Mother's Ashes

This year has been a year of painful transitions for me. Things which I never thought would happen, have come to pass. And it's been hard on all of us. Next week, I will be laying my mothers ashes to rest. I've purchased a plot, in the same cemetery where my grandparents have been buried. MacArthur and I went there a couple of days ago. I can't exactly remember the last time I went to visit my Grandparents graves. But I remember doing it a lot with my mother. We would go, and bring flowers. Sometimes we would just go and lay on the grass together and look up at the clouds in the sky, and let our hearts do the talking to our ancestors. I feel strange this week. Tense. Kind of like that "deep bone ache" that my podiatrist was warning me about...only it's not in my recently healed bones...it's a feeling that I have in me. Deep down in me. My heart. My mind. The fiber of my being.

 I promised my mom that I would not hold onto her ashes forever. I would like to have them buried before the 1 year anniversary of her death. My Uncle Courtney asked that I wait till August, so that he could be here with me to bury my mom. I've waited. The waiting has been hard on me. It feels like dying slowly. The pressure of all of this unfinished business...grief that hasn't stopped flowing...has been very heavy on me this past year. I'm looking forward to interring her ashes and finishing up her headstone. I think it will give me a small bit more, of that peace which I am searching for. Uncle Courtney can't make it in August. But he will be here in September. By then, the headstone will be cast and in place. In a way, it seems better this way. In a way it seems so much more like what it was like when she was alive. In the end, again, it will be she and I.

I miss you so much mom. And I don't know when my heart will stop hurting. When breathing will become easier. I don't know when the memory of your illness will fade...and all that will be left are the good times. But I want that. I want it so badly. I feel myself grasping at life, trying to come back to life myself. But so far, it still hurts. I still can't believe that you're dead. I can't believe that everything has fallen apart. I don't know what to do. I am afraid of my life. It hurts so much without you. It feels like the center of my heart is missing. I wish you were here. If you exist...where ever you are...I hope that you are happy and loved. I love you, and I will love you forever. 

J-Lo The Whippet

Last night I started looking for places in San Francisco and Berkeley. Scoping out potential options for me. I've had it good here. For a long while, I've grown accustomed to the comfort, space, and privacy that living in your own house can provide. I have two dogs to show for it. And I love them. But they most likely will not be able to come with me if I move. We'll see about that. Nothing is decided upon for now. For all I know I may be able to stay here. It really all depends on the news I'll be getting this week. 

I thought about things from J-Lo's perspective: in a short while, her whole world has turned upside down. Her pack has been reordered considerably. She was my mom's dog -her favorite. She would spend her days lounging on her bed or on the couch with La Suprema. Looking out the window, or soaking up the sun. It's funny, in the summertime she actually gets sunburned if I don't put spray sunscreen on her belly. Her tender underside is a maze of little brown polka dots on a pinkish white stretch of fur and skin. Her life was that of a beloved friend. A constant companion. Even when my mother would spend long stretches in the hospital, I would take J-Lo to see her. Out of the two dogs, J-Lo was definitely most comfortable in hospitals. She just got it. Instinctively. She knew that it was a time to be calm and tender. Gracefully, as if she could fly, she would spring onto my mothers bed, landing softly. Then, in a protective manner; as if to give comfort, she would lay her head across my mother. Sometimes even stretching across her lap. She did this when my mother was so bad that she couldn't even speak. She was just writhing in pain. Moaning. Dying in a slow mysterious death that nobody understood, or could stop. J-Lo was not like humans. When she witnessed this, the only thing she knew to do was love. She wasn't afraid. She had a job. It was to be with her human and love her. Comfort her. Protect her. And let her know that she was not alone. 

For her loyalty, I made her a promise. She took care of my mother when I was not able to be there. She loved and protected her and gave her comfort. When La Suprema was alone, she could reach out and feel the warm furry body of her dog, and it would relax her. For all of this...and because my mother loved her and asked me to as well...I promised that I would take care of her. That after my mother died, that I would keep her and love her forever. I may not be able to keep that promise as I had originally intended it. Not because I don't love her or want her. But simply because it's almost impossible to find a share rental that will accept dogs. The cute boy has offered to take my dogs if the need arises. I'm grateful for that. But it doesn't seem right that he should have to shoulder so much responsibility for one of my promises. Not to mention the fact that he would be delaying/possibly forgoing one of his dreams...the dream of a basset hound puppy. We'll see what the future brings. For now, I am open to all possibilities. And I will make the best decision when the time comes. I am willing to give J-Lo to a loving home if I have to. She deserves to have space to run. And a family. 

Best Conversation With A Doctor. Ever.

Thursday, April 7, 2011 at 2:51pm

I just had the *best* conversation with a Dr. in my entire life. She reassured me that there was nothing that I could have done to prolong my mom's life. That her disease was aggressive and her case was a benchmark for how bad it can be. She told me that there was nothing Western medicine could have done for her. The only treatment that seemed to really work was *me*. I was by her side loving her, and that the love between us was inspiring and amazing. The only thing that really worked to prolong her life was me. And that I did a great job.

 ·  · Share · Delete

• Jeanie Olson, Natalie Rantanen, Shannon Hodges and 6 others like this.
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    Elise Baril Vanessa, what a wonderful thing that the doctor took the time to tell you that. You really loved your Mom and stood by her. You are to be commended, honored and respected for that. It is much harder to watch someone you love die, than can possibly be said.

    April 7 at 2:53pm ·  ·  5 people
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    Karen Anne sometimes you just have to hear it from an "expert" to believe it

    April 7 at 3:04pm ·  ·  2 people
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    Catherine Loftus What a great doctor. It's awesome she saw that! I'm so glad she shared it with you. ♥

    April 7 at 3:17pm ·  ·  3 people
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    Diana Elrod YES!!!! Victory!!

    April 7 at 3:44pm ·  ·  2 people
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    Alexia Woolley We all knew this already. I'm glad you finally believe it, my love.

    April 7 at 6:28pm ·  ·  1 person
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    Jodi Arata I have to second Karen -- We've all been saying this all along, but sometimes you need to hear it from someone with the right credentials. Your love is powerful medicine, baby.

    April 7 at 6:45pm ·  ·  1 person
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    Leslie LCreezy Crebassa A daughter's love is the best medicine. :) And I am heartened to hear that a doctor had a conversation like that with you.

    April 7 at 10:35pm ·  ·  1 person
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    Elizabeth Diane Medina Congratulations Princess.

    April 7 at 11:03pm ·  ·  1 person
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    Elizabeth Diane Medina I think that was long due to help you ease your mind. Lots of

    April 7 at 11:04pm ·  ·  1 person
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    Anthony Montoya You are a wonderful person, V.

    April 8 at 5:37am ·  ·  1 person