Thinking More About Stuff....

Aug. 13th, 2009 at 11:57 PM

I went for a late-night ride. It felt great! I had a wonderful time. It's late at night so I'm feeling a little abandoned right now. I still wish he was here. I have to think about all of the reasons why this is a good thing. 


1. He doesn't love me &  I want to be loved...and if he's not going to do it, then it's best that he clear the way so that someone else can. My heart has been on reserve for him. Truthfully it still is, but after this break up stands long enough, I know that feeling will lessen. And eventually, I will be free to love again. I think/I hope/I wish. My mom says that he loves me, and who knows? Maybe, in his own fucked up way he does? But I'm talking about real love. The kind that is gentle, and obvious. The kind that is strong enough and courageous enough to weather any storm. The kind that keeps loving even after it's been hurt. The kind that heals and gets stronger and better with time. The kind that never loses it's ability to reconnect with it's mate. I want that. And he doesn't have it. For anyone. Not just me. 


2. He hates his parents. In particular, he hates his mother. This is a really bad modeling structure that he's had for primary relationships. I want a guy who hopefully likes his parents and even LOVES? his mama? That would be sweet!


3. He slept with another woman. 


4. After we got back together I wouldn't have sex with him without a condom and he had the nerve to get pissy with me and grumpy. 


5. So yeah...I tried to make a joke that wasn't funny. I'm sorry. I take it back. I think we all know that it was just a joke. For anyone who knows me at all...knows that how I handle serous conversations, is usually with a joke. It doesn't make me a bad person, or a threat to society. Anyhow. I'm sorry about that. Yeah. But for him to manipulate the situation and make it into this big thing when it was just a joke...well it just adds insult to injury. 


6. My friends don't like him.


7. My therapist has told me that he has at least 8 identifiable mental disorders. 


8. He himself has told me that he suffers from Manic Depression and his father told me he was diagnosed with Dissociative Disorder. 


9. He is currently in a major depression. 


10. He's unemployed.


11. He smokes


12. Let's face it...he's stinky. He has some hygine issues -still. It's gotten much better since he's been dating you...but let's face it, with every improvement, came a bit of hurt, anger, and resentment from him. In the end, it felt like I was "Mean-Mommy" making him do things like: shower, wash his armpits with soap (twice if need be), and oh...brush his teeth after his cigarettes and before he came to bed. Put on clean clothes. Yeah. So I don't want that dynamic. And I guess it would be asking a bit much for him to notice that I've helped him improve and also be grateful. Yeah. That's just not going to happen. He felt rejected by me and acted like a punky little kid...like what I'd imagine a stinky 8 year old Joshua would be like. I don't want a stinky boyfriend, and I don't really want anyone who would be resentful of me either. 


13. He was a great lover often, but also all too often would finish and then go to sleep leaving me to finish myself. Lame. I want a guy who won't stop until the job is done, and we are BOTH satisfied. 'Nuf said. 


14. His friends hate me. 


15. His family hates me. 


16. The reason they hate me probably has a lot to do with him and how he's represented things. He never went to bat for me. He also never told the complete honest truth to them, which would have included how he's treated me. Even if he never told them anything bad...he's also never told them anything good either. It was never apparent to them that he loved me and that we were a team. Early on April got it in her head that she could be rude to me and treat me however she wanted because I was not sticking around. In the end, it turns out she was right. He never went to bat for me with her and told her to just stop it. That he loved me, and he wanted her to just grow up and work it out. 


17. He takes but doesn't give. 


18. He quckly resorts to anger and yelling. 


19. He holds a grudge longer than anyone I've ever known. 


20. He called Alison (the girl he slept with this winter) "a fucking bitch" repeatedly to me. I don't know her. I don't want to know her. I don't like her. But even then...for all I know she could be a perfectly nice person (after all, I am?). And on that note, when he does that, I don't think that she's a fucking bitch...what comes across to me is that for all I know, this is how he talks about me to his friends when I'm not around. For all I know, he's painted me as a "fucking bitch" or a "crazy bitch" or a "psycho bitch"...insert any derrogatory cliche statement that men make about women followed by the word "bitch", and it seems possible that  he's said it about me. (Well not really..but you get the idea...by him putting her down, it just tells me about HIS character, not hers. Which then leads me to wonder how he's spoken about me, particularly in his less than happy moments with me.) It doesn't give me a sense of love and stability. Which is what I want in a relationship. I want to be loved. I want to be respected. I ALSO want to have room to have my feelings and be angry sometimes...especially if he does something that isn't nice. I should be able to be angry about it and not be marginalized as a fucking bitch. My feelings should be heard and cared about. And he should want to TALK. And work things out. Joshua doesn't work this way unless it's convenient and easy. Only when he needs something does he do that. It's hard for me to put a finger on it...but that last sentence was getting closer...I think what I want is a man who will want to talk and work things out even when it's hard, and he doesn't necisarily "have to"...not because he stands to gain something...I want a guy who can stand alone, so that for him to want to come and talk with me really is optional, and for him to do it, is because he really wants to and he really wants me. Because he loves me. 


Groups:Inner Circle Peeps




Comments



witty_banter wrote:
Aug. 16th, 2009 05:34 am 
Wow, I had no idea you had posted so many LJ entries recently! Let alone so many reflective and wise ones. 


This is a good exercise for you -- maybe it would even help to write down the things you do like? For a balance? I don't know.


I definitely DO agree with your doctor on the at least 8 identifiable mental disorders... 


Anyway -- this reveals a lot about the depth of love you have for yourself, despite everything, and that's the most important thing for a girl to have.





vanmedi wrote:
Aug. 16th, 2009 08:36 am 
Thanks. At first I was a little afraid that people would think that I had gone off the deep end. But then I was like "no no...I have to work this out with myself and process my feelings...and reflect on the situation." And writing just seemed to be one of the best ways to do that, especially since it was always readily available to me no matter what time of night it was. :-)

Aug. 12th, 2009


3:56 PM


I have managed to waste most of the day -AGAIN! 
I am taking a shower NOW. And getting dressed to my shoes. Then I am cleaning my sink. And listening to my Anthony Robbins DVD. Momentum is a hard thing to muster sometimes, when you're down. I find the strenth to read articles, not books; play Farmville, yet not turn over my own *real* soil awaiting me in my front yard. I dream of my life as I want it, and yet am unmotivated to move. Or rather too sad to take action. Ultimately, I just have to do it. Come hell or highwater, I have to do something. On the plus side, I am doing laundry, and I have managed to be neutral emotionally for the most part. I'm trying to gear up to happy and vibrant though and I keep getting stuck in this same rut (my bed).


Groups:Inner Circle Peeps

My Wubby

August 4th, 2009; 7:24 AM
Last nights sleep was very calming and restorative. I strangely kept dreaming/thinking of the term "my wubby". It was like I was wrapped up in my own soothing comfort and love. Tenderness for me. I awoke to realize that it's ok. Everything is ok. I am more than capable of taking care of myself and dealing successfully with this. And in all honesty it will only be a matter of time until I am upgraded in life to a first-class dude. I just have to be smart enough to take the ticket this time and stop flying coach. I can do this. Really I can. I am rising to this challenge and calling off the 24 hour open window. The window to talk is now officially closed. Because I really want someone who deals with things in a calm and open/honest manner. Someone who treats me well and does what they say they will do. And someone who reciprocates my kindness, love, and nurturance. Joshua is not that guy. And it's ok. I will be fine with this. In fact, if I search deep, I can actually start to get excited about this. He is not the one! I don't have to help him, or deal with his psychological issues. I don't have to take care of him or forgive things that are very hard and hurt me deeply. I can actually have a space to feel my true feelings and be pissed off about this. And it's ok. I can also just tell him to go jump in the lake with all of his high-drama bullshit. I don't need it in my life. I am going to be just fine. I don't have to fight my friends to "give him a chance...blablablalbla...he's really a nice guy..bla blablabity bla bla...he just had a rough childhood, which is now impacting his ability to (insert whatever ball he's dropped recently that you feel you need to make an excuse for here)...." Nope! I don't have to do that ever again. He really is broken. And that's OK. I can wish him luck or not...but the most important thing is for me to disentagle myself from him. To stop caring about what he thinks/says (particularly about me and our relationship)/feels and how he represents "the truth". I need to be ok with just not giving a damn about him and his circle of peeps. They can have their rumor/gossip mill if they want to waste their time. And I can just get on with the business of living life. I used to think that it was really important that Joshua understood how much I loved him and that we worked out any misunderstandings or bad communications. But now I see that NO...it really isn't important that he understands any of that. What IS important is that I stop caring about what he gets and what he doesn't. What IS important is that I just cut him off and out of my life. No. I don't want to be "friends." My bar for friendship is much higher actually...and he doesn't even come close to meeting the criteria for friendship. None of my friends would ever treat me this way. Period. Being calming and comforting to myself helped me to realize all of this. I treat myself much better than Joshua ever did or is capable of. And it is prefferable to be alone in my bed (calm, happy, and feeling loved...even if it's only by me!) than to be stressed out with a guy who treats me like shit repeatedly.

For Real This Time

June 16th, 2009; 9:35 PM
You've never responded. At this point I don't expect you to. I check my email everyday in the hopes that I am wrong or that I have somehow misunderstood you or underestimated your love for me. But I haven't. I am well aware of the limits of your love and feelings with regard to me. They simply do no exist. Or if they do, they are pale cheap imitations of the love that I want. The kind that my Grandparents had. The kind that lasts forever and through anything. An everlasing kind of love. My heart sinks when I see that it is yet another day with no word from you. She has returned now, and I am sure that for the present moment, your thoughts are preocupied with her. So I have a choice. I can torture myself with thoughts of you and the love that you are giving to someone else, or I can push you out of my mind and move on. I can focus on more important things like my mom, her care, and my life. Heck, even walking the dog is going to have to be more important than you from now on. I am setting a deadline for myself. By tomorrow, I will have swept the front portch and disposed of your cigarette butts which you left in my meditation stone. I will fill it up again with clean water, as it was always meant to be, and I will press onward and upward. You have until the end of the month to make up your mind. But I know now that there is no real hope. By now you should know. You should know if you are coming home or not. And as I have had no words of apology or reconciliation, I think that is enough. I see that you are not coming home to me ever again. It hurts. But I will live. I miss you right now, but I will not miss you forever. And one day there will be someone new. Someone who will love me for real this time.

Same Same

May 19th, 2009; 9:37 PM
Lisa is his friend on Facebook! Lisa! That old married lady that has been stringing him along for years. She is so like him, in that they are both completely self centered. She is married. She has two kids. She also has caused immense pain to me, and also pain to Joshua. She has helped create a situation, where Joshua cannot be in a healthy relationship and neither can she. I mean how loving can her marriage be if she makes causes like these? If she lies and does things which would undermine the intimacy, trust, stability, and happiness of her whole family? He is by no means innocent. He after all maintained this relationship with her, all while telling me that it was over between them. They seem to have a shifty version of morals if this type of behavior is *understandable* and OK for them. To me, they just have a complete disregard for the feelings and wellbeing of others. It's just all about them. I doubt that their "thing" will ever result in actual sex, or a real relationship. But what it does do is make a distinct wedge between him and I and makes it so that I cannot fully trust him, or give him my heart. To do that would be bad for me. I would not be a wise person if I gave him those things, since he has shown how he cannot handle them with care. He is not a good stuard of my trust or love. As Niki would say: "He doesn't deserve you."

*

May 18th, 2009; 8:24 PM
You make me feel like shit. -So why do I love you? Why do I compulisvely seek you out? How come it is so hard for me to simply fall out of love with you, and have no desire to see you? Why do I defend you when my friends all seem to think that you are slimy and not good enough for me? This is the part that is broken in me. I have a faulty wire somewhere in my brain that keeps telling me that if I am persistent and patient enough, that someday things will end well for us. But trying and trying again and again. Loving you no matter what. And forgiving your many indescresions and heart breaking moments will never end up with me as the winner. I will never get what I want from you: love, compassion, respect, nurturance, and appreciation. I will only get a heaping serving of dirt sandwiches from you. I need to finally see that and let go. You are not kind to me. You are only kind to yourself. Good bye. If you cannot treat me well. Then good bye.

Let It Go

April 27th, 2009; 3:08 PM

Current mood:blah

I'm having a hard time today. I want to be at work. I want my mom to be feeling better than she is, and able to go to the bathroom on her own. I also want to clip her nails and cut her hair (but she won't let me).

This morning, I tried to do my morning ritual, where I think about all of the people I love and how that makes me feel, then I think about all of the people that love me and how that makes me feel, then I imagine my life as I would like it to be and really feel that feeling then go. Usually I hop out of bed with eagerness and that Christmas morning feeling...but this morning my mind kept getting hung up. I couldn't focus. When I thought of the people that I loved, they seemed so distant, like faded memories, or imaginary friends. Something not real. Something that maybe once was, but was no longer current. And when I thought of the people who loved me, I just felt so empty. Like maybe there's someone out there that loves me? I'm not sure? I kept thinking that all of the people who really loved me deeply are either dead, or dying. Or if there is love, that it is shallow and pale. (Basically, I was feeling down.) It was hard to rally. I kept trying again and again, telling myself that I was not going to get up until I could get it right. Until I could get my head straight. I kept trying to force myself to envision my life in a great way. A positive outcome. Something wonderful and filled with safety, abundance, laughter, levity, joy, friends, family, my mom being well and happy. I just couldn't do it. It felt so fake. I kept thinking about my father (a man that I almost NEVER think about, except in times like these.) Unfortunately, when things are hard, somewhere deep inside of me is a persistent reminder, that my father is not here. That he never was here for me. That he is out there somewhere, living the lifestyle of an aging playboy/B-rate James Bond/Rockstar. A self centered, yet lavish and wonderful life. He's got the car, the boat, the plane, the penthouse, and endless nights out on the town, with countless women. He has the freedom to travel, and does often. And he feels no attachment or obligation to me. He does not really care about me. For the most part, I am ok and do not think about this. "So what" is my predominant attitude with regard to Edward. But I do feel cheated. Shortchanged. And I'll admit it, bitter. He should have been a better husband to my mother, a better son to my grandmama, a better brother to my Uncle Edgar, and a much better father to me. And I have to let it go and move on. I have before. I will again now. I have to stop thinking poisonous thoughts about why he never really loved me or has ever come to my rescue. I have to let that go for my happiness. And honestly, just say, SO WHAT! He's never shown up. It's not his style. That's ok. You are going to be just fine. You've never had him to help shelter you from day one, so who cares now? It's not like you are missing anything that you have ever become accustomed to. Think of the plus side? -You are much stronger BECAUSE he was never there. You have developed fortitude and the ability to overcome obstacles because you have had to. This is a blessing. It is a strength. And of course when you are in the process of learning new things and developing those strengths, it will not always be easy...in fact almost by definition, it will be hard...whenever you are stretching and growing, things are hard until you have mastered your new skill...so feel good about all of this challenge...feel proud and exceptional! You are growing! Tomorow you will be tougher and stronger than you are today. And one day, you will look back on all of this, with more wisdom and understanding than you have today. One day, you will be grateful for all of these life lessons.

The Horse You Should Put Your Money On

March 30th, 2009; 1:19 AM
Can I say something? -Yeah sure. Why not?
I have the worst taste in men. But not this one. This one is the best. I was sitting around thinking about the call my cousin gave me, just to inform me that I *am* the girl in the "He's Just Not Into You" movie/book. (yay me) When who should call me but him. He called me three times this weekend. We talked for ages. I love talking with him. When he calls, it's real. We're real. And there is depth and intimacy. He is one of my best friends, and I am one of his. He gets top marks on my top three: intelligence, kindness, and intimacy. Give the boy a gold because he's got it all! He's is into me. He calls me. He cares about me. Joshua hasn't called me in over a month. He however called me three times this weekend, and we regularly log in conversations that last over an hour. Sometimes two, three, and once four. The point is...we have a bond. I should fall in love with him. He's the kind of guy worth risking everything for. Worth going after. Worth loving and giving your heart to. He's got a future ahead of him that is going to be something great! I just know it. He's brilliant, hard working, humble, and sweet. And I know that this is going to take him far. He also loves his parents and siblings. He regularly visits them. And when he talks about them...it's nice stuff. No sad childhood stories. Just nice easy going funny stories. I feel comfortable around him. And known by him. I love him already as a deep deep friend.

One Monkey Don't Stop No Show!

March 25th, 2009; 8:15 PM

Current mood:flirty

There is a part of me that is not only 5 years old inside...but also male. I say that because I remember how boys would do the dumbest things when I was that age...they'd pick on me, wrestle with me, push me, tease me, etc...and in the end it was all because they had a crush on me! Bah! And honestly...there is a part of me that is like that. I love the delicious feeling of camaraderie and joyful playing and teasing that is really just an unverbalized extention of my inward feelings of like/admiration/attraction/and friendship...plus the feeling of gee-I-wonder-how-it-would-feel-to-snuggle-up-next-to-you? The joy of spending a moment with someone and just being glad that you are both there! I am feeling great today.