Sunday, November 14, 2010 at 3:36am
In my solitude, I have found my heart -so longing. Painfully aching for family. Missing my mother repeatedly. Over and over, day after day. Sometimes it is unbearable and hard to breathe. And then I hold my breath. A lump in my throat. Tears streaming down my cheeks silently. I miss her more than I ever thought or knew. Somehow, I thought that I would gallantly go on. Demonstrating the love that she instilled within me. Shining brightly throughout this dark night. By and by I find that this romantic fairytale of myself is simply not true. I hurt. And it is hard to rally. Hard to get up again. I wish that I was better than I am. But this is where I am. This is who I am. Perhaps one day I will be the person that I wish myself to be. I wish that I could feel her more. Or at all rather. There is so much emptiness in me. Roaring emptiness. So loud, that I cannot even remember her fully right now. I have such a hard time remembering what she was like before things got hard. Before she got sick. I don't know how that could be? We had so much more than just the end. A lifetime shared. And so much love. I know that. I know that I was deeply and truly loved. And that she was deeply and truly loved. I know that completely. But beyond that...the memories of her before, are so hard to recall. I don't know why that is? Perhaps it is myself? My psyche protecting myself from feeling the loss as much as I would, had I the ability right now, to remember everything? I can only remember the end. The struggle. How quickly things changed. How quickly she withered and faded. God, it's so not fair. She was meant to be here. Right now. She was meant for far better things. And to be loved. For much longer. Hugged for many years to come. Laughter that will never be heard again, hurts. The unheard laughter, is really only silence...but that is what I am hearing...when I hear nothing, I hear the absence of my mother. And my heart longs to hear her laugh. I long to hug her and be hugged. I find myself mourning not only her death, but the loss of the relationship that we will never have. Things which will never develop. I am older now. The conversations and maturity of our friendship would be different. If she were here, healthy, we would have a different mother/daughter relationship than we have ever had; simply for the fact of aging. People are so afraid of getting older. So afraid of not being young anymore. But the wonderful thing about aging, is that we develop into almost new people. We blossom. Our wisdom and compassion develop. We are able to love more deeply while also understanding and accepting those around us (faults and all) than we ever would have tolerated in heated youth. I am sad that I will never have that period of grace and mature understanding with my mother. I love her. And she loved me. But I was looking forward to growing older with her in my life.
Success in life is all dependent upon our ability to be adaptable to changing conditions. Those who can adapt will find themselves much happier in the end than those who cannot. I must find my way. Regain my footing. Find my heart.
In my solitude, I have found my heart -so longing. Painfully aching for family. Missing my mother repeatedly. Over and over, day after day. Sometimes it is unbearable and hard to breathe. And then I hold my breath. A lump in my throat. Tears streaming down my cheeks silently. I miss her more than I ever thought or knew. Somehow, I thought that I would gallantly go on. Demonstrating the love that she instilled within me. Shining brightly throughout this dark night. By and by I find that this romantic fairytale of myself is simply not true. I hurt. And it is hard to rally. Hard to get up again. I wish that I was better than I am. But this is where I am. This is who I am. Perhaps one day I will be the person that I wish myself to be. I wish that I could feel her more. Or at all rather. There is so much emptiness in me. Roaring emptiness. So loud, that I cannot even remember her fully right now. I have such a hard time remembering what she was like before things got hard. Before she got sick. I don't know how that could be? We had so much more than just the end. A lifetime shared. And so much love. I know that. I know that I was deeply and truly loved. And that she was deeply and truly loved. I know that completely. But beyond that...the memories of her before, are so hard to recall. I don't know why that is? Perhaps it is myself? My psyche protecting myself from feeling the loss as much as I would, had I the ability right now, to remember everything? I can only remember the end. The struggle. How quickly things changed. How quickly she withered and faded. God, it's so not fair. She was meant to be here. Right now. She was meant for far better things. And to be loved. For much longer. Hugged for many years to come. Laughter that will never be heard again, hurts. The unheard laughter, is really only silence...but that is what I am hearing...when I hear nothing, I hear the absence of my mother. And my heart longs to hear her laugh. I long to hug her and be hugged. I find myself mourning not only her death, but the loss of the relationship that we will never have. Things which will never develop. I am older now. The conversations and maturity of our friendship would be different. If she were here, healthy, we would have a different mother/daughter relationship than we have ever had; simply for the fact of aging. People are so afraid of getting older. So afraid of not being young anymore. But the wonderful thing about aging, is that we develop into almost new people. We blossom. Our wisdom and compassion develop. We are able to love more deeply while also understanding and accepting those around us (faults and all) than we ever would have tolerated in heated youth. I am sad that I will never have that period of grace and mature understanding with my mother. I love her. And she loved me. But I was looking forward to growing older with her in my life.
Success in life is all dependent upon our ability to be adaptable to changing conditions. Those who can adapt will find themselves much happier in the end than those who cannot. I must find my way. Regain my footing. Find my heart.
- Gina Papa likes this.
Vanessa Medina Thank you Gina. I love you too. I'm looking forward to girls night with you. :) ♥
November 14, 2010 at 11:43am ·
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