Saucer Magnolias

there was a place that I lived, where there were great big Saucer Magnolia trees that would reach gracefully into the April skies. Their pink thick petals stretched open and full. It reminded me of cold dark skies and having to rush home quickly after school before nightfall. The crisp rush of the cool night air, and thick clouds of smoke billowing out of the brick chimneytops. Was this Colorado? Or here? I don't remember. All that I remember was that she was there. Smiling, laughing, gregarious and full of life. We were together. 

Seeing The Legacy That I Am Here To Change

Uncovering more and more with my Ancestry.com membership. I discovered last evening that my beloved Grandpa Henry was Pueblo Indian from Colorado. I had heard that Grandpa was probably some sort of mix between Native American, White Man, and Mexican (whatever that meant? Aztec Indian? Spanish Invader? Mix of both?). But I discovered some census reports that gave me the names of my Grandpa's parents and siblings. This then led me to an Indian Census report (I had no idea that our country did this), and on it, I read that my Grandpa's sister was Pueblo Indian from Colorado. It said she was "F" for Full Blooded Indian. Which was so strange to me. I am still pretty sure that what my family said was correct and that this Indian Census report is just some broad strokes by a census worker. The strangest part was an Indian Allotment number? What is this?

Reading about the General Allotment Act of 1887 (The Dawes Act), and coming to understand the timing of this document and my family's migration from Colorado to the Southwest in New Mexico, and I see that I am not alone in losing a home. That my family, people that I love and had great respect and appreciation for, have also gone through this. Have faced being alone. Stripped of all grace. Taken to the ground. They've had great wrongs done to them. Lost everything. And in some cases, there was no happy ending. Sidenote: I found this book originally in the Library of Congress website when I was researching Pueblo Indians of Colorado (which is where our family is from), It is written by a man who was embedded with an American military regiment that did a survey of this area and its people, my people. This was compiled in 1875 and 1876. Just 11 years before the General Allotment Act of 1887 when so many Indian lands were stripped from them and sold to white men as "surplus lands". Stolen. The cruelty and theft given legitimacy by our government and the white men and women who benefited from this system of injustice and inequality. Anyhoo...It's interesting to think that this book contains an outsider's views on my ancestors. I can't wait to read it one day.

"A-Saddle in the Wild West: A Glimpse of Travel Among the Mountains, Lava Beds, Sand Deserts, Adobe Towns, Indian Reservations, and Ancient Pueblos of Southern Colorado, New Mexico and Arizona" by William Henry Rideing

I had no idea that my very happy, sweet and beautifully engaged and open Grandpa had such roots in oppression, unfairness, hardship, and poverty born out of a nation of theft. But he did. And most impressively, he only learned and grew in strength and wisdom because of these events. He knew people. He knew human nature. He was one of the wisest people I have known because of all that he went through and how it made him the wise man he came to be. And I am the same in that respect. All these things are only making me the brilliant, wise, powerful woman that I am destined to be. God is strengthening me through hardship, preparing me for my future where I will have to go up against greater challenges than I have before. And when I get to the most important battles of my life...the reason that I am here on this earth...I will be prepared. I will be strengthened. I will be hard and tough. And I will be victorious.

Somehow knowing that there has been an invisible legacy of hardship, oppression, tragedy, and loss, of being unstable. Not having a home. Not having the financial space to breathe, dream, and grow. Of never speaking of these things because to look back would bring up too many memories of pain, only making today that much harder to get through...and we are not people with spare energy to waste. Our lives are hard. We need every bit of mental and physical, energy and space. There is nothing to waste here. Knowing that my Grandma grew up in that, losing the family farm after one bad crop. Of my Grandpa's family being Pueblo Indians, who were forced to leave their tribal lands and relocate far away, eventually ending up working and living on a ranch in the Southwest. Of how they would come together and buy a home in Denver, only to have to leave when their son was stoned at school for not being white. The bank stealing my mother's home and duplex after she died, completing this cycle of theft and hardship. I see now that this was all just meant to happen. I am here to level this. I am here to break this. I am here to find a way through and make it better for all that follow me. 

Writing a New Chapter Journey: What is something you need to let go of. What is haunting you or weighing you down? How can you make peace with this or rid yourself of these ghosts?

I need to let go of all of the rejection I've felt in my life. The deep wound and pain of having a father that never loved me or showed up for me in my life. I  need to let go of the questions I have and let go of ever trying to figure it out. There is no magic right answer to change this history. And Edward is never coming to be my father and love me. Time and time again I've thought that I had overcome this foundation of pain and rejection...but I have not struck a final victory blow. Rather, I've chipped away at the pain, self-doubt, feelings of inadequacy...of never being enough for him to actually care and love me as his daughter. I've started to honor the Queen in me, and hold my head up high, my crown is always on my head, I wear it on the inside. The grace and strength in me is not something that can be stripped away with censure or somebody's lack of appreciation for who I am. And there is no woman on earth that I am in competition with. There is only one me. Nobody does her better. Nobody ever will. I am the only one who can shine my light, speak my words, and bring my talents and gifts to the table. And I refuse to buy into that old patriarchal bullshit where we try to pin one beautiful talented woman against another. I got that message from Edward. Always trying to pin his two daughters against one another and playing favorites with them as though they were playthings, and he wasn't actually tasked with being a father and raising them, teaching them their worth, what true sisterhood and family love are. He had none of that wisdom to teach or share. Nothing but flash and the superficial. The things that truly don't matter in life. When I feel self-doubt, or the creeping feeling of imposter-syndrome... like I don't actually know what I'm doing. I'm not as good as people think. I made it this far, but I'm about to fuck it all up by just being myself and nobody wants that. When I start to feel that way...I want to let that go. Let the wind blow through my soul and clear out all of those years of conditioning, that kept me from knowing my worth. Get rid of the belief that I am not worthy, or that my story doesn't have a happy ending. When I feel like that, I'm going to pick myself up, tip my crown, and keep going Queen! I need to make peace with my past and not wear it as a badge of shame anymore. I can own it and know that my difficulties in life have taught me about compassion, strength, resilience, to focus on what really matters and not the superficial, and it has taught me how to keep going and have grit. Not seeking approval or company of people who try to make me feel like I need to be in competition and that I'm never enough, will make this easier.