Showing posts with label Overcoming Obstacles. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Overcoming Obstacles. Show all posts

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Sometimes the Best Quality People Go Unappreciated by the Crowds


My Grandma wasn't the kind of woman that everyone could appreciate. In a lot of ways, she was a hidden treasure. Not because she hid herself...but more...because the culture we live in doesn't tend to gravitate towards the quieter ones. She was amazing, smart, funny, and cool. When I feel the pressure of life pushing down hard on me, I think of her and try to emulate her. Sort of like "What Would Jesus Do?"...only it's more like "What Would Grandma Do?" (no offense JC...you're pretty cool too...it's just this old lady really had it going on).

Grandma was one of the younger children. She grew up in the southwest, on a farm. She had a bunch of siblings, most of them older than her. Her mother, was a notoriously hard woman. She was known for her fits of temper and rage. Her father, was a quiet man. Kind to his children. But submissive to his wife's anger. Cacimira had a right to be angry. Life had not been fair to her. She was smart. And as a child held much promise. But one day of acting out in school...a school where her father was the headmaster, shamed him so much, that he punished her forever. She was never allowed to go to school again. Never allowed to learn. To grow. To become what she could be. To become what she knew she had in her. Cacimira was robbed. And forced to live a life of hard physical labor. -Lack of education will do that. She was married off to a man (Santos) who would be kind to her, and who loved to read, but was also destined for a hard life of labor. They worked in the fields of many different farms. Bringing with them, their children, to work as well. School was a luxury. My grandma loved school. She told me stories of walking in the frozen, icy desert...walking in the dark for hours, so that they could go to school. In the Winter months, there was no agricultural work. So that was her time for education. She and her siblings would each get one hot potato for breakfast, and they'd carry it in their hands or pockets to keep warm on the way to school.

When Grandma was a teenager, her older sisters Nellie, Irene, and Gloria would go to the local dance hall on weekends. Compared to my Grandma, her sisters were glamorous women of the world. They wore makeup, and had shoes with 1" heels on them. -Not the farmer's work-boots my grandma wore. But one night, they took pity on her, and brought her along. Lord knows why!? They made it a game to make fun of Grandma usually. They called her "Piano Legs" because her legs were so long and skinny. She was skinny growing up. And she didn't have a very womanly form. Grandma speculated that perhaps one of her older brothers made them...or maybe it was their parents... for whatever reason, they took her. It was her destiny to be there that night. Because that was the night she met Henry, my grandfather. For him, making friends and being social came easily. He was a charmer. Everybody loved Henry. He spotted my grandma sitting alone at a table, in a back corner of the dance hall. My grandpa was the kind of man who always imparted to me the importance of being inclusive. So it's no surprise to me what came next...he crossed the room to go talk with my grandma. He lured her out of her shyness and asked her to dance. He didn't care that she didn't know how. He'd teach her! The main thing was, he didn't want her to feel alone. That night, he walked her home. It didn't matter to him, that there were at least a dozen other *prettier* girls there that night, all of whom could cut a rug better than grandma. -he liked her. And she liked him back. Theirs is the closest, I've ever seen to a "love at first sight". They spent the rest of their lives together. Very much in love, and dear friends, the whole way through. I hope that one day I will feel that kind of connectedness with my mate.

When Grandma got older, she had struggles with racism, and illness. No matter what came her way though, she was the most determined woman I've ever known. She kept her head high, wrote her goals down, prayed for god to watch over her and her family and friends, and for god to bless her with the right opportunity to change things. Most of the time, her prayers came true. All of the time they were answered. 

Monday, September 3, 2012

Overcoming Obstacles: The Foreclosure & Being Robbed

So many things have happened to me since I last posted. I'm surprised that the blog has kept a fair amount of readers coming back. To those of you who just kept coming back, and perusing my older posts...thanks.

I wasn't exactly sure where to begin, with what has been going on with my life. And that initial "not knowing where to start"  quickly became overwhelmed and just deep-bone-tired. I didn't want to look back at what I had just gone through. It was too painful and too fresh. I just wanted to move forward with my life and just keep going. But even those intentions seemed to befuddle me. I've been waiting to write, so that when I did, it would be something positive. Something useful. I didn't want to seem like a sad or broken person. Or like someone who whined a lot or was constantly down. So I waited. I waited for the wisdom and the beauty of life to occur to me. I waited to see the deeper life lessons that could be gleaned from tragedy. I know they're there. But honestly. I am a little wounded. The things that I've been through *did* hurt. A lot. And they still do. Don't feel sorry for me folks, 'cause I'm making it through just fine. But denying the pain of it, just isn't helping me any. So it's time I just get back to trying to be real. The real me. With everything that entails. -Including being hurt and sad at times. So here it is: my childhood home, a place which should be mine today, was foreclosed on. The bank refused to speak with me, after my mother died, and refused to acknowledge me as the rightful owner. They wouldn't accept any payments from me. And in the end, stole my family home. A place, where my grandparents lived and died. A place where my own mom, lived and died. A place where in some ways I have lived and died a little too.

I never thought I would see this day; when my home was not my *home* anymore. The word "home" has so many connotations. And I've been struggling with it ever since the move. When my mother died, I struggled with it then too. I didn't feel like that house was home anymore, without her there. It was hard coming home to an empty house, with no one to greet me, and no one to love. The place that I live in now, is so different. The people are very different, and not very warm in the way my family was. So it's hard. I miss that. I miss feeling like "I belong" here, and that "this is my home" because my heart tells me so. My heart keeps telling me that this current place is not my home. It's just a temporary place. A tent in the desert..but not the promised land. I know that I should be grateful for what I've been given, and I am. I just also, feel very alone and adrift right now. And I *want* to feel that wonderful feeling of *home* again. The feeling of love, and warmth, and comfort. It has very little to do with the actual house really, and so much to do with the people. -I miss my family. Deeply. Every day.

I am loved. I know that. And I do experience joy, and happiness. But not in the same quantities or frequent daily occasions that I used to. Not to the same depths either. It's a hard adjustment to make. And I get stuck on how to appropriately express this grief, while not insulting those who actually do love me and are here for me. -I don't want to hurt their feelings, but I know that I do. Just by being sad, I do.

Somewhere in this whole ordeal, I was robbed. The robbers took everything of value. It's been several months since this happened, and the things that they stole that I was most upset about (my grandparent's wedding photo's) -which I'm sure they weren't *trying* to take, but unfortunately were stored with other things that they did want; have luckily been replaced! How can a wedding photo be replaced you ask? Well I'll tell ya! Luckily for me, in an old antique chest in the garage, my grandparents had ONE duplicate copy of their wedding picture inside the church
...and to my surprise...ANOTHER photo that was taken of them *outside* the church!
YAY! Awesome discovery!!! Also...since my mother was adopted, I thought for sure I would never get another copy of her birth parent's wedding photo...but because it was an adoption within the family (the woman I know as my grandma was biologically my great-aunt) there was a copy of that photo given as a gift to my grandparents. :)) YES!
So the most priceless things have been replaced. The diamonds, the gold, the money, the china, the furniture, the antique silver, my photography and computer equipment are all replaceable. Sure it won't be the exact same pair of earrings that my mom gave me, to remind me always that "you are special".  But it doesn't need to be. I know I'm loved. I know I am special. And I know that I will make it through this period of my life and onto greater things. And when I do...I am getting myself a pair of diamond earrings to celebrate. In the mean time...I'm back, I've got my fighting spirit back, and I'm ready to enjoy what there is to enjoy about life.

...Just for good measure...I'm including another awesome photo I discovered in the trunk:
This is my Grandpa when he was a little boy. The year is 1922. The woman with him is his mom, Edith. From what I've been told, Edith was a very loving woman. She used to make fresh whipped cream (whipped by HAND in those days!) EVERY DAY to go with whatever dessert she made. Talk about love!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Day Eight of the Juice Fast

sSo yesterday was day EIGHT! And I made it through! I even sniffed my housemate's pizza, and admired how nice it looked. OK so I know that sounds silly...and like I MUST be jonesing for a pizza if I'm *sniffing* it like a drug...but I just wanted to enjoy the smell. with out having to indulge in the actual pizza itself. -And I did! Being able to pass on foods that would usually send me spiraling into a mass craving attack is a skill that I am *actively developing* in myself...and that's pretty cool as far as I'm concerned. This kind of stuff has historically NOT been my forte. But I'm getting better at it and learning so much through this juice fast. 

All in all, the juice fast it's self went really well yesterday, and was one of the easiest days so far. I had very minor cravings, which were easily re-focused and re-directed. I enjoyed the taste of my juices. And overall felt really well. I did have a moment of sadness, when someone posted this meme on Facebook about moms. It went like this: 


The last part about being willing to give everything up for my Mom to be here with me really got to me. I realize in a way, I have given everything up, but that doesn't bring back a loved one. The tears welled up inside of me and poured out, as I contemplated all of those adult years ahead of me -a vast stretch of time to me, where my mom wouldn't be around. I grieved the loss of the adult relationship, that we will never have the chance to have. And there's some really good stuff there. It makes me sad to think about all of those milestones and victories that my mom will not be here to share with me and my family. I miss her so much. And I love her so much. Where ever she is, I love her bigtime. Man...I WISH that I could go over to my mom's house and see her. I WISH that when I get married some day that my mom would be there laughing, dancing, and celebrating with me. (So I guess I'll just have to imagine that that's what she's doing in heaven on that day.) I WISH that she would gently and proudly hold and sway and dance with her grandchildren and tell them how loved and how beautiful they are and how proud of them she is. I know my mom well. I know, that if she was alive and healthy, if her disease had never taken her life, that she would be doing all of these things. I miss her so much. She had a kind of magic and love that I really miss. 

Anyhoo...I just want to say...that this diet isn't a magic cure-all for never feeling sad again. I did feel very sad. But I also, cried and let it go, and then felt better. -So no *depression* after feeling momentarily sad. Which is pretty effin' cool! I also didn't go running to food to comfort myself. Which was also very cool. 

Yesterday, I got a chance to talk with one of my best friends about the juice fast, which was really nice. She had so many good questions and we talked back and forth about our mutual issues with food and cravings and how we relate with food. She inspired me to keep making positive strides towards my good health. Let me just say, I LOVE talking with my friends about things like this. I get so much feedback and learn so much from what their experiences are. Plus, many times, they have a perspective that is a little bit different from mine, and they teach me the things that they have already learned. -Which is very helpful. So thanks! :)

After our chat, I got on the interwebs and started looking at YouTube videos of other people who have done juice fasts. Wow! There are a lot of them out there. The thing that struck me about quite a number of them, were the unhealthy pallor that many of the juicers took on after doing extended juice fasting. Their skin did NOT look like mine. In the last week, my skin has become markedly better. It's more radiant. It's not perfect by a long shot, but I can tell over time, that my acne will be much better after doing this for a few more weeks. A lot of them had also lost substantial muscle tone -which is something that I want to avoid at all costs. I have a long history of weight lifting. It's something that I really enjoy and I plan on not only maintaining the muscle that I have, but on building more of it while doing this juice fast. One more thing that came up while I was looking at these videos was the strict and restrictive approach that many of these people had. It was like they expected to consume nothing but juice for 30, 90, 100 days...and then eat nothing but raw fruits and vegetables. Which struck me as totally crazy and untenable. No wonder so many people aren't able to stick to this for long. My goal is to keep on doing this juice fast until: 1. my GI Tract issues are resolved. I want to be off of my medication for these things, I want to feel good in my body, no more intestinal or abdominal pain, no more vomiting, no more chronic diarrhea, and I would like for my labs to be normal.  My secondary goal is weight loss. I want to be healthy. So far, I am well on my way to achieving all of these goals and it feels good to be making progress in a positive direction in my life. But I really have to come up with a plan for my juice fast. I am nearing the 10 day point. My initial goal when I saw the "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" documentary was to just juice like the truck driver until I was in shape. But after a few days, I switched my goal to doing 10 days. At which point, I will have a free day and then get back on the juice fast. I am tossing around a few ideas and am trying to figure out how I want to do this. What I'm thinking about doing (and most likely will) is incorporating several ideas that I have learned over the years, from "Body for Life" and also my years as a McDougall vegetarian. 

So...from "Body for Life"...I'm pretty much going to do the whole weight lifting and fitness regime. Weight lifting 3 days a week, and doing cardio on the off days, with one free day a week, where I don't have to exercise AND I can eat WHATEVER I WANT for 24 hours. :) I'm building up slowly to this goal and beginning with walking the dogs and going to the gym 3 times a week. Eventually I'll get up to 6 days a week. The idea of a free day seems so important to me though. I remember that it really helped me stick to the diet before. It was like a little mental trick, I knew I could eat healthfully because all I had to do was make it to Sunday and then I could have whatever special treat I wanted. And one day of eating what you want, will not stop weight loss. If anything it makes long-term healthy eating something that is actually *doable* because you have space for cravings and eating what ever you like without judgement or feeling bad. It's like a planned pressure release, so that I don't feel "deprived". The other thing that I was thinking about is doing one week of juice fasting, and one week of eating McDougall and juicing, and switching back and forth. I may end up doing this if simply juicing feels too restrictive. But I'm setting this up as the perimeter of my diet, so that I can fall back to it as a contingency plan if I need to, but also so that I continue on with my juice fast in some way. One other thing that I am thinking about is incorporating soy-based protein shakes because I really DON'T want to lose muscle. I don't want to end this thing looking gaunt and pale and like a good stiff wind will knock me over. I want to be radiant and healthy. Strong and full of energy. So, if I notice that I'm losing muscle, or if building muscle becomes too hard on this diet (which it *may* because I'm not eating very much protein...there is *some* protein in some of the vegetables that I am juicing...but who knows if it'll be enough to maintain healthy muscle tone?) I guess we'll just have to see and make adjustments as needed to address the issue of muscle building. Anyhoo...these are the things that I'm playing around with in my head. But I want to come up with a clear plan so that I am not just at the sway of my momentary instincts/cravings. So I'll be thinking about it. And have the plan in place by the end of day 10...which is TOMORROW!!!! YES! I am so excited. 

Things I learned today:

  1. Juice tastes SO much better with a few ice cubes in it. Room temperature juice just isn't the same.
  2. Talking with friends makes juicing easier and is a good way of getting feedback and ideas. My friends have a lot of wisdom to share. I bet yours do too!
  3. The cravings really do get easier.
  4. I'm paying more attention to the emotional connection to eating now. And noticing how stress cues my body to eat comfort food. -But not any more....I'm also noticing how I can change that, once I am aware of it, and the underlying emotional causes. SWEET!
  5. I have to have a plan that includes enough protein to build muscle. Period. 
  6. I also have to have an eating plan that is something that I can enjoy long-term. 


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Day Four of the Juice Fast

I made it through day four. The temptations and cravings are still everywhere. But I'm playing with it now a little bit more than before. I'm noticing how I can get a craving for say...a toasted onion bagel with cream cheese, or a bagel dog with mustard. and I can think about it, feel the pang inside my body, and then just divert my attention CONSCIOUSLY to something else; thereby, letting the craving and pang inside my body go. It's like my body has been in control of me, my cravings for fatty, salty, creamy junk food were running full speed, with no real control. And I'm learning control. It's not easy yet, but I feel myself growing here and am very proud of the last few days.

I watched the documentary that kind of kick started this "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" again today. It helped me recommit to doing this juice fast, and also let me know that it does get easier. Apparently, I'm still in the "detox" phase...well...according to the timeline that truck driver gave his overweight brother. He was trying to get him to try juice fasting for his health...and he said that he should try it for at least a week because the first week you are not feeling your best. Meh. Who knows? I am feeling better. Still off of the stomach acid suppressants and I haven't had to take the anti-nausea pills, or the muscle relaxer for my intestines. So I'd say, this thing is still going as planned, and I look forward to seeing what changes may come. :)

Things I learned today:


  1. I can refocus my attention at will, including times when I am having a physical response to hunger cravings in my body. I can actually do something else, and my craving will go away within 20 minutes. 
  2. That taking control of one aspect of your life, no matter how small, leads to other positive changes too. 
  3. The Cute Boy must really think my skin is looking better because he mentioned it again today.  
  4. Good nutrition actually does give you pep!

Monday, March 5, 2012

The Juice Fast Days 1 and 2

The first 24 hours were the hardest so far. But I made it. I stuck to the juice fast. But today (day two), The Cute Boy's sister came to pick-up her pooch from our house, and as a thank you for watching Winnie, her basset hound, she brought us two chocolate cup cakes from a local bakery. ZOMIGOD! At first, Cute Boy told her he was sorry, but we had already started a juice fast. But when he turned to me and asked if I wanted to break the fast for these cupcakes, I eagerly said YES! I thanked her and then as soon as she left, The Cute Boy and I ate them. They were good, but I didn't fully enjoy it because of the guilt I had from throwing myself off of the wagon for a cupcake. And once that floodgate was opened, I had to have the chicken hotdog that I had been jonesing for during the first day. My boyfriend and roommates tried to keep me on my fast, but I refused. At this point, my hunger welled up inside of me like a lion, and I had to eat a CHILI DOG! I nuked the hotdogs, and ate one plain and made myself another one with chili, cheddar, and onions. My tummy ached as I ate. But I managed to keep down my food.

Afterwards, I cleaned up and got back on my fast. I refuse to feel too bad about eating these things today. It's true, I let myself down, but that's to be expected sometimes. Creating new habits and paths in life includes the times that we try and fail, or just don't do it perfectly. So what! Even with this little misstep, I'm still very proud of what The Cute Boy and I have been doing. During the last two days, we've juiced more fruits and vegetables than most people will eat in a week. -EASILY. I am proud of getting through the first 24 and for NOT diving into a big bowl of pasta or a cheese pizza like I was tempted to do countless times that day. I'm developing self-restraint and discipline with my food choices. This stuff all relates to deep karma for me, so it's pretty hard stuff to change. But I'm going for it!

I have learned a few things so far:

1. Stick to your goals. Don't make exceptions because it just opens the door to other *exceptions*. If you don't stick with the juice fast perfectly, don't waste any time feeling bad about it, just get back on the juice fast.

2. The first 24 hours are by far the hardest. It's like your body can't believe that you've actually begun this crazy thing. But don't worry...it gets easier. And the hunger pangs and random wild cravings do diminish. Eventually your brain will stop brainstorming about all of the nummy food that you can no longer eat and get with the program.

3. It feels good to be tempted and to have the strength to *not* react to that impulse of momentary temptation.

4. Juicing tastes great! The mixes that we've been making are approx. half veggies and half fruit, and it tastes so fresh and really good.

5. Drinking lots of water helps to feel full and stay hydrated.

6. It really does feel better. I say this while also admitting that I have been in a lot of pain the last few days from my GI tract issues, but the longer I stick with it, the better my body feels and seems to be reacting to this.

7. I think eating fruits and veggies will be much easier after this. 

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Dealing With Misogyny

Yesterday, I posted something about being a woman dealing with misogyny. And I am happy to report, that after my musings were posted, I spoke with the gentleman who's behavior led to that post.  I said what I had to say, politely, and simply. I called him out on his behavior and told him that it was not O.K. with me. That even though I had, in the past, smiled and made light of it, that, that was a CHOICE made on my part in order to quell the situation, and maintain a peaceful environment. I let him know that I would like to work it out, but I did not offer up any solutions at the time. I just wanted to make him aware of the situation, and make it clear that I would stand up for myself if he ever disrespected me in a major way again. Then I put the ball in his court. I had thought about a few suggestions or alternatives to offer up. I thought back to my younger days when I had learned all about "I" statements. But ultimately, I decided to *not*  process everything with this person. -I didn't need to. It's not like he's my boyfriend. He was just a guy who was treating me differently (with less general respect) simply because I was the only female in his environment. I also wanted to give him a chance to come up with these solutions on his own. It hampers people's development as human beings, when you provide all of the answers for them. Not only is it disrespectful to do ('cause the underlying message in that is: "Hey, I'm going to fix this for you and tell you what to do because I don't think you're capable of figuring this out on your own.") it makes the solution something external rather than internal. Fundamentally I believe in this person's ability to get there on his own. It may be a long path, but I think he's on it -even if he's not aware of it.

It felt good to stand up for myself. He was quiet for a moment, and his eyes looked down, and then he apologized. I honestly didn't expect that. This is a person who could use a good deal of anger management, and although I had contemplated offering up this suggestion, I decided against it. He is the one who must make that move. And I don't want to *coerce* anyone into doing something that they don't want to do, no matter how helpful it may be for them in the long run. There are a few exceptions to this statement such as: children who need guidance, nurturance and structure...in that case I would not be above devious mom-like tricks. Whatever it takes really to help my beloved. But this person is not that close to me. He's a *friend* but not a best friend. And it seems that he needs to find his own path. I hope that he does. Living his life the way he does, with such consistent anger and disrespect towards approx. half of the population, ironically primarily hurts him. It ensures that he will be without a mate -because no self-respecting woman would choose to be with someone who has no respect for her or her sisters. It also pushes people away from him (his male friends AND me). -From what I can tell, I think I'm actually his ONLY female friend. That's pretty telling in and of itself! It limits the kinds of jobs that he can have and do well in. His whole life really. The longer he lives with this bitterness in his heart, the more self-fulfilling his beliefs become. He said something about love never working out and always leading to pain. Well...if you really believe that...then I'm afraid, that's what's going to be true for you in your lifetime. I know that a lot of his anger towards women stems from his still hurt feelings from past relationship failures, and for that, I have compassion. It's hard when things don't work out or when people don't treat you the way you'd like to be treated. It's sort of like he was once a beautiful butterfly who's had his wings crushed and mangled with defeat, and now, instead of straitening out his wings and giving himself all of the healing and love that he deserves, he's embraced the mangled crushed look, and become a curmudgeony old bug instead of a dazzling monarch. I wish you well butterfly. Get back to your roots because at the heart of it, I know you're a beautiful person. Learn to love and appreciate women. See them as your equals. Treat us like your beloved sister or mother, friend, or child. Learn to love with your whole being. I will be rooting for you. ...But just in case...I will also be carrying a fly swatter for when you get out of hand. ...Just sayin'...

Monday, February 27, 2012

Act of Valor

I actually saw "Act of Valor" last night with the dudes. (T'was a dude pick) The first 20 minutes were slow and I found myself feeling a bit like I had paid $10 to see a propaganda film that the U.S. government should have been paying *me* to watch. But once the action picked up, I found myself actually liking *parts* of it and thinking more deeply about the roles of our civic leaders and how that interacts with military. One of the things that I really took away was that the Navy Seals portrayed in this film were actually pretty good guys. They did not want to go to war, were not blood thirsty mercenaries, and if left well alone, would have been more than happy to live their lives in peace and service to their country and families. That ultimately, what they really wanted was peace and safety. Now this is either true, or one of the most influential pieces of propaganda that I've ever seen with my own eyes. Either way, it got me thinking about leadership and responsibility. And what occurred to me, was that our politicians weren't as driven as the men and women of our military, to be honest and to shoulder the responsibility (good or bad) for the outcome of their decisions. They actually seem compelled by the political structure of our country and how we integrate media into that mix, to lie and be deceitful about who they really are and what they really think. And when they make a mistake or leave someone waving in the wind all alone, political strategy would dictate that it would be a preferable course of action, to attempt to deflect and distance. To pretend that it was not them, who made the mistake. To find somebody else to blame. I'm sure you can see the problems that arise from this. We are living through them today. We are living in a world that often times seems lacking in humanistic values. Where mistakes are made -and repeated multiple times because no one is willing to take responsibility when things go wrong and say "OK this isn't working, we need to change somethings." Caring about one another, being compassionate, and working together to help create the solutions to our world's problems is everyone's responsibility. It's hard work embracing this type of ideology, but I think it is what will lead us to the collective outcome that we would all want: world peace. Or at least a world with less poopy stuff.

And at the end of the movie last night, I was introduced to a lovely poem by Chief Tecumseh, which I will leave you with to ponder. I love it. ...I may even frame it above my desk to inspire me daily. Here it is:

So live your life that the fear of death can never enter your heart.
Trouble no one about their religion;
respect others in their view, and demand that they respect yours.
Love your life, perfect your life, beautify all things in your life.
Seek to make your life long and its purpose in the service of your people.
Prepare a noble death song for the day when you go over the great divide.
Always give a word or a sign of salute when meeting or passing a friend,
even a stranger, when in a lonely place.
Show respect to all people and grovel to none.
When you arise in the morning give thanks for the food and for the joy of living.
If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies only in yourself.
Abuse no one and no thing, for abuse turns the wise ones to fools
and robs the spirit of its vision.
When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled
with the fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep
and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way.
Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.

~Chief Tecumseh, Shawnee Nation 

Friday, February 17, 2012

Reframing Depression

Sometimes things happen, that are not connected, but initially it's hard to see that. Well..for me anyways. I'd guess that's true for most people too though.

I came home the other day to find that someone had turned over a stack of plastic storage boxes that I had by my front door. Whoever had done it, had also taken the time to move the small bag of potting soil I had -probably contemplating weather or not it was worth taking. They pushed some vases and tiles that I had soaking to clean in one of the plastic boxes, onto the ground. They also turned over a beautifully aged pot that I had with plants in it. They dumped out the dirt, smothering the plants beneath, and took the planter. They also took a shovel while they were at it.

Coming home to this, was kind of a surprise. It felt like such a violation. I thought to myself "What kind of person does this and thinks it's OK?!? I felt like this person could strike again at any moment. I felt unsafe in my home. So much so, that I hid out at my boyfriends house largely for the next few nights. I didn't want to deal with that feeling. So putting some time and distance between me and the event seemed like a good idea. But after a little while, I felt depression creeping in. How strange? I didn't want to go out. I just wanted to curl up on the couch and cuddle with the Cute Boy and the dogs. But then, I went to see my therapist. And she had some very amusing and useful insights that I thought I'd share with you.

Part of the alarming thing to me was the feeling of depression coming over me. It was something that I had dealt with many years ago, and had believed that I had conquered and vanquished from my life. How wrong I was. It had returned with a vengeance. Mainly by making me feel sleepy and constantly hungry too. Nice combo for the love-handles!

Sabrina noted the way I talked about depression. Like it was mine, a thing that belonged to me. An intrinsic part of my nature. Like because at one point in my life I had ever felt it, and admitted to feeling it, that there was now a *seed* of depression planted within my soul and I was now forever marred by it. I would be forevermore someone who struggled with *depression*. I was one of those *depressed people*. "Sign me up for the meds doc, I've got the blues...forever." She actually laughed a bit about it. We both did. She said, I think it would be more useful to think of it like getting the flu or a cold. I would never say. "Well...I had the flu once when I was a teenager. Ya know...typical teen angst flu. And well. I thought it had gone away, but then...I got the flu again. It came back. But it turns out...I had the flu this whole time. I only *thought it was gone*. But it turns out, I'll have this flu for the rest of my life." So that's how I'm trying to look at it. Right now, I'm feeling a bit of depression. But I'm managing it. And I've got a pretty good plan for overcoming it. Bipedal locomotion will be involved. I plan on walking, biking, and swimming a lot. Also seeing my friends and laughing as much as possible. Getting good food and sleep. And also focusing on 3 things that are going to go well today (in the morning)...and visualizing them going well. And then at the end of the day, 3 things that went well and the reasons why. Even looking at depression this way helps. It feels less invisible. Less a part of me. Less entwined with my nature and spirit. 

Friday, July 29, 2011

Letting Go A Little More...

So we (MacArthur and I) went out to the ocean today and scattered some of my mother's ashes. We hiked down to a beautiful small cove and said a few words. It was a strange combination of heavy, painful, and freeing. Such a weight was lifted when it was all done.

On the drive out to the beach, I was quiet. First, I got a call from Noreen (FHA president). She asked me how I was doing, and was actually very nice. I was glad I got a chance to connect with her, specifically *not* as her employee. For so many years, I worked for her, in such fear because of the things that my supervisor would say. She created an atmosphere of fear. I never really got to see Noreen as a whole person. As a human. I remember the guidance that I got from Niki was to keep under her radar. She made it seem like Noreen was a fire breathing dragon. When in fact, she's actually a very nice person. I mean she's just a normal human being. Powerful -yes. But that is *not* a bad thing. It's encouraging. I am always inspired when I get to see a strong woman in action. It's empowering *to me*. It helps me see that "I can do that too"! That I can develop those leadership qualities in me and help empower others (both women *and* men) in the world.

The next call I got on the way out... was from a gentleman from the cemetery. He told me that they had gotten the permit in sooner than anticipated, for my mother's burial, and that we could do it on Monday. So we moved it up a day.

The sooner the better is now my attitude. I realize that I have been carrying this enormous weight this last year. So much grief. So much seriousness and sadness. I feel like I have been dying slowly. On Monday, when we lay to rest, the remainder of my mother's ashes, I anticipate that it will not only feel like a relief and give my heart some peace and rest; but that it will also be somewhat like a symbolic death and burial of the last vestiges of the me that was before. The last of the old me. The child that could never imagine this kind of tragedy, or living past it alone. It's time to live. To embrace *living* -with joy. -Even without my mother. I'm kind of like a begrudging little caterpillar...that didn't really want to shed it's cocoon and blossom. I really didn't. I wanted to stay a caterpillar. Comfortable and loved by all of my caterpillar friends and family. But that's not how life worked out. I keep telling myself though that: this is a great opportunity to forge my life into whatever my heart desires. I'm casting off everything that I've ever known. Losing everything. Having my heart and family torn away. But having the space and opportunity to build a new life. Develop deeper relationships with distant family members and making them *not so distant*. -Close even. And I am so grateful for all of the people who have loved me through my darkness. And through my sadness. George, my mother's best friend, has always been a source of encouragement, strength, and laughter; which in my opinion is completely necessary for surviving the Spanish Inquisition. "No one *expects* The Spanish Inquisition" they say...but it happens to us all at one time or another in life. Heartbreak is part of being human. It's part of loving. And I guess it's worth it.

I felt so close to MacArthur today. So lucky that he is my love. And so sheltered from the storm by his love. Jodi put it well, when she said "I'm not the kind of person who believes in God. But if I *was* I would find it amazing that just as one great love of your life leaves...another one arrives." Truer words were never said. And I am so grateful for the grace that God, The Universe, or what-have-you has bestowed upon me.

I plan to go forward with my life, and live in a manor which would make my mother proud. I will be happy. I will have joy in my heart. And I will develop my abilities and contribute something of worth and value to the world around me. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Facing My Knorr Addiction

On Monday, Mantights sat me down and had a serious talk with me about training, diet, sleep, everything. Since then I have been thinking more about what I eat. And pondering *what* exactly is my downfall? I like food. I like flavor. I like to have fun with my friends...and enjoy a meal together. So there's certainly a social aspect. But there is most definitely also a stress relief aspect too. I have very few vices. But honestly food is one of them. I was talking with some of my girlfriends once, and one of them came up with a very astute observation...which is also partly why food is such a tricky vice to have: Food is not like other vices. It's not like drugs or alcohol or cigarettes. With those things...you can cut them out completely. And although it's hard. There's no need to be a recovering heroin addict who just so happens to keep heroin in the house. Not so with food. You need food. Intimately.  Every day, for the rest of your life. So it's a harder relationship to maintain. You can't get rid of it entirely. You have to be able to have it around and make good choices.

Agh! Such a struggle! 
I love salty, fatty, and delicious. Knorr onion dip with ruffles.
(Also known as: god's perfect food.)
Butter? -Hell yes! 
Cream? -I don't mind if I do. 
And soda! Even diet soda is a no-no. I drink plenty of water...but there's something special about a carbonated ice-cold drink that is just such a nice treat. It's refreshing. Anyhoo...I'm thinking about it. And working on it. I'm scheduling an appointment to talk with a nutritionist, since clearly I am not doing this stuff on my own. 

Good bye heroin. It's been a nice ride. :p It's time to replace you with asparagus apparently. 

Sunday, July 24, 2011

The Dog Officially Hates Me

So the whippet has lost all respect for me. It feels like we are an old married couple. And the resentment and unsaid things and assumptions are seeping into our marriage. It all started with losing my mother. No. Check that. It began before that, with the stress of my mother's illness. Dogs pick up on human emotions. Many a time, when my mother was in the hospital, I would come home to a huge mess on the floor. Not because the dog couldn't hold it or didn't have access to the outside potty. But more as a little doggie post-it note saying: "Hey! Fuck you! I have feelings too ya know. What's going on!?! I've been a wreck over this. Somebody come hold me and give me some treats."

Things admittedly got back on track for a while. For a while, I would hold J-Lo all the time. And then...I got 
Señor Piccolo. Her new BFF *and* arch rival for my affection. For a while there, I thought that Ms. Lo was going deaf. I would call her, and she wouldn't come. I would call her even louder and with more enthusiasm -even promising her treats...and she *still* wouldn't come. Eventually I realized that this was her way of saying "Piss off!" OK. Ms. Lo. Point taken. I need to spend more one on one time with you. I had no idea that one day I would be getting *attitude* from a dog. :p 



As if life wasn't complicated enough these days...

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Survival Of The Fittest Vs. Survival Of The *Just Good Enough*

My mother was not a perfect woman. She was, in many ways, an incompetent mother. Now that sounds harsh. Even to my ears it sounds harsh. But it's not. It's not even a bad thing. It just was. I loved my mother, and she loved me dearly. Love is wonderful that way. -You can love someone...even with all of their glorious imperfections. Now, I wasn't beaten...or severely abused. I always had a home. My mother was always gainfully employed and hardworking. And from the outside, everything probably looked just fine. But on an emotional level...the stuff on the inside...I missed out on a lot. Yet again, this is not because my mother did not love me -She did. It really had more to do with how much *she* knew as a person. How developed *she* was, by the time she decided to have me, and what wisdom she had to impart to me.

My friend, Leslie, introduced an idea to me. She studied anthropology at Berkeley, and while she was there, one of her professors stated that the idea of "survival of the fittest" was a fallacy. That in fact...one doesn't have to be "the fittest" or the best to be a reproductive success. It's more like "Survival of the just good enough"! This idea was hysterical to me. I totally agreed. Do you have to be the best father? Mother? Parent? Do you have to even stick around and be there nurturing your young so that they develop under optimal conditions...so that they feel safe, secure, loved and confident. -No. And that's a fact.

Look around you. How many of your friends parents are still married? How many people do you know that were raised by TWO healthy, successful, loving parents? From what I've witnessed and experienced first hand, many times the father is out of the picture.

My own father, was out of the picture respectively, shortly after I was born. He and my mother had been married for several years before my birth. Edward was not a very good husband. He cheated on my mother throughout their marriage. -Even on their honeymoon. My mother stuck around in part because she loved him, but also out of her own childish ignorance. She seemed to think that if she was somehow better...sexier...smarter...more of a perfect wife and homemaker...someone who was loving and gentle, etc...that it would induce my father to love her more. See that she was clearly the best woman for him. That plan never worked. It was, a complete and utter failure. By the time I was created, my parents marriage had almost ended.

I had a question for my mother at this point..."Why *have* a child, under those circumstances?" "Why was I ever born?" Her answer made me think of how young she was emotionally. She knew she wanted to have a child. She knew she wanted ME. And even though she didn't really know if her marriage with Edward would survive, she knew that she loved him. So to have a child, that came from two people who loved each other, seemed like a good enough plan for her. At this point, I was touched. I also asked her if she had ever thought of a sperm bank? I mean...really now...at least with a sperm bank, it's all on your terms. 

I'm glad that my mother wasn't that logical. If she was, I never would have had my family on my fathers side, who I love so much. My little cousin Jenna calls me periodically and posts Facebook posts on my wall just to say things like "Hi!" and "I love you!". I have a grandmama who inspires me with all of her good deeds. The bags of groceries that she packs up weekly for the food bank...the cooking that she does with such love and care. The love and understanding that she gives me in my darkest hours. Never judging me. Just being there. Loving me. Supporting me. Encouraging me. Her sister Eli, does the same and is a vocal advocate for me. My many cousins who span the globe, and give their love and support. My uncle who came after my mother died to make sure that I was ok. His wife, my aunt, who is always so calm and confident. I have many reasons to be thankful that my mother *did not* use a sperm bank. -Even though I do sometimes jokingly think of my father that way. 

My parents were...Just good enough. The question that I have now is: If you were raised by someone who didn't know any better...Didn't give you all that you really needed in order to develop certain qualities to their fullness (for me that would be inner calm and confidence.)

-The belief that no matter what comes my way, that :
1. I am going to be ok.
2. I can handle this.
3. The world is a friendly place filled with many loving people.
4. I am intelligent and capable of overcoming my obstacles.
5. I can create my life to be whatever I want.
6. I am loved. and
7. (said enthusiastically) -This is going to be just GREAT!

The question remains...How do you get that? How do you develop those things in you, which you've never had before?

The answer: You give them to yourself. 
Even if it's not perfect. 

I come from a long line of "just good enough". So I really shouldn't be daunted by my imperfections as much as I am. :) I will do things. -Imperfectly. But the most important thing is that I do. That I try. That I tell myself the things that I need to hear. -As a loving mother would. To guide myself through the obstacles in life...and get to my goals on the horizon. 

Thursday, June 23, 2011

J-Lo The Whippet

Last night I started looking for places in San Francisco and Berkeley. Scoping out potential options for me. I've had it good here. For a long while, I've grown accustomed to the comfort, space, and privacy that living in your own house can provide. I have two dogs to show for it. And I love them. But they most likely will not be able to come with me if I move. We'll see about that. Nothing is decided upon for now. For all I know I may be able to stay here. It really all depends on the news I'll be getting this week. 

I thought about things from J-Lo's perspective: in a short while, her whole world has turned upside down. Her pack has been reordered considerably. She was my mom's dog -her favorite. She would spend her days lounging on her bed or on the couch with La Suprema. Looking out the window, or soaking up the sun. It's funny, in the summertime she actually gets sunburned if I don't put spray sunscreen on her belly. Her tender underside is a maze of little brown polka dots on a pinkish white stretch of fur and skin. Her life was that of a beloved friend. A constant companion. Even when my mother would spend long stretches in the hospital, I would take J-Lo to see her. Out of the two dogs, J-Lo was definitely most comfortable in hospitals. She just got it. Instinctively. She knew that it was a time to be calm and tender. Gracefully, as if she could fly, she would spring onto my mothers bed, landing softly. Then, in a protective manner; as if to give comfort, she would lay her head across my mother. Sometimes even stretching across her lap. She did this when my mother was so bad that she couldn't even speak. She was just writhing in pain. Moaning. Dying in a slow mysterious death that nobody understood, or could stop. J-Lo was not like humans. When she witnessed this, the only thing she knew to do was love. She wasn't afraid. She had a job. It was to be with her human and love her. Comfort her. Protect her. And let her know that she was not alone. 


For her loyalty, I made her a promise. She took care of my mother when I was not able to be there. She loved and protected her and gave her comfort. When La Suprema was alone, she could reach out and feel the warm furry body of her dog, and it would relax her. For all of this...and because my mother loved her and asked me to as well...I promised that I would take care of her. That after my mother died, that I would keep her and love her forever. I may not be able to keep that promise as I had originally intended it. Not because I don't love her or want her. But simply because it's almost impossible to find a share rental that will accept dogs. The cute boy has offered to take my dogs if the need arises. I'm grateful for that. But it doesn't seem right that he should have to shoulder so much responsibility for one of my promises. Not to mention the fact that he would be delaying/possibly forgoing one of his dreams...the dream of a basset hound puppy. We'll see what the future brings. For now, I am open to all possibilities. And I will make the best decision when the time comes. I am willing to give J-Lo to a loving home if I have to. She deserves to have space to run. And a family. 

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Fighting Spirit

Wednesday, June 1, 2011 at 5:59pm



For those of you who have suggested it...I thought I should let you know. I have contacted the following: Len Tillem, BBB, Congresswoman Lynn Woolsey, and Legal-Aid (because as awesome as my lawyers are...I can't afford them without a job.) & 7 on Your Side is coming. I just have to write a letter or two before that. Oh dear god...I guess this means I'm getting my long lost *fire in my stomach* -Be forewarned obstacles; I'm coming for you.
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  • Bud Owens and Andrea Stevick like this.
    • Jodi Arata YES YES YES YES YES!!!!
      June 1 at 10:02pm · 
    • Jodi Arata I forgot about 7 On Your Side! GO YOU!
      June 1 at 10:02pm · 
    • Charles Carter Len Tillem is a good attorney who we work with regularly. If you wanted someone closer in Santa Rosa though, Teresa Norton or Kristen Ingersoll at Beyers Costin are also great and know a great deal about your situation. Their number is (707) 547-2000.
      June 2 at 10:35am ·  ·  1 person
    • Leslie LCreezy Crebassa Go go go!
      June 2 at 11:25am · 
    • Alexia Woolley Go girl!
      June 2 at 7:23pm · 
    • Jodi Arata Charles Carter YOU KNOW LEN?!!?!?! I love Len.
      June 2 at 8:29pm ·  ·  1 person
    • Charles Carter Lol yes I know the majority of probate attorneys in Sonoma county now :)
      June 2 at 8:39pm ·  ·  2 people