"Ow" -"Stop Poking It"..."Ow" -"Stop Poking It"..."Ow" -"Stop Poking It"...

Jun. 1st, 2009 at 3:19 AM

You really broke my heart. I feel totally out of control. I know what I should want. I know how I should behave. I know how I should feel and what is logical. I know what I would tell someone else in my situation. I also know from a strategy point, what is the best course of action. But I cannot stop myself. I just can't. Even with medication, I can't. I wish I had more control over myself. I wish I could stop and just be good to myself. I just feel inexplicably drawn to you. Where ever you are is where I want to be. I love you. I want you by my side every night. I want to share everything wonderful with you and love you deeply forever. I want to feel what it is like to be included and held by you. To have you be good to me. But that just isn't going to happen. Or rather, it isn't going to happen in a reliable and consistent way. There will always be some sort of painful pulling back of you from me. There will always be the mean-spirited child inside of you that doesn't want to invite me to your birthday party but does want me to invite you to mine. Or the selfish child that just want his way all of the time, with no regard for the feelings or lives of others. I cannot win in this situation. To continue on would be tantamount to me electing to live a life of pain and sorrow. To put myself through vouluntary pain. And I (with the exception of you) am no wrist-cutter. I need to end this exception. It is very bad for me. I have honestly used you as a distraction from the pain of losing my mother to her illness. Only a more vicious and shocking pain could compete with her loss. I've thought long and hard about it, and that is the only logical reason that I can find, as to why I would keep loving you and keep you around in my life after all that you have done to me. -You have served a purpose. But it is so bad for me. It is killing my spirit every day that I continue on this way. And I am poisoning my ideas of what love really is and feels like. Before you, I had never known the pain of a broken-heart. I was unafraid and loved freely, deeply, and without restraint. And you basked in that love. You soaked it in and felt adored. But unlike me, you were not able to love like that. Your love was filled with pain, and fear. Scorekeeping and grudge-matches. Your kind of love was all about evening the score and punishing those that you felt had wronged you. You were selfish and cruel with me. Unfair, and deeply hurtful. I have learned all about untrustworthines, and deciet from you. I have learned about holding back the good stuff, and how some people can sadistically trickle out just enough love for their partner to subsist and stay, but never feel drenched in it. Never feel completely content and safe in that love. And yet, I still adore you. Worship at your temple. Want you so badly that my heart aches. I have to stop myself. I'm going to process this out of my system. Weather I like it or not. I have to find a way to fall out of love with you. I miss you so much. And you never responded to my letters like you said you would. When we spoke in person, you still said you were planning on it, but it's been a month now. You responded that you didn't put a date on it. And my heart broke again at your callousness. You are so sadistic and hurful. Anything that you can do to keep drawing out the pain, is what you do. And I have to just say no. I realize now, that I will never be loved by you the way that I want to be loved. The way that I deserve to be treated. I will also never get the closure I seek from you. Because as long as you have the power, you will not let me have closure. You will keep me drawn in as your adoring fan. As your constant soft place to land. As your love when you need it. Basically as the ego boost/back up plan. But I do not want to be anyone's emergency back up plan. I want to be first. I want to be chosen. I want someone who wants me in their life so much that they would do anything to make sure that I felt loved, supported, appreciated, and secure. I want someone who is my friend and partner. Who is honest and trustworthy. Who is forgiving and focuses more on what is trying to be conveyed and the heart of the matter instead of the minute details of technicalities and "no, no, no, you said this!" I want someone who cares about my feelings deeply and in a way where his actions demonstrate that care and love. Who doesn't do things like cheat on me, steal, and lie. Someone who maybe even had a happy childhood, and perhaps even loves his mama. That would be nice. I want someone who doesn't yell all of the time. Who listens to me. Who doesn't push me so far that I finally crack and scream out what I've been holding in and trying to quash with forgiveness, patience, compassion, and endless second-chances. I don't usually scream. I don't actually lose my cool *that much*. But with you, it's a whole other story. I find myself regularly feeling livid. Feeling like shit. Feeling so much pain that I feel the tears welling up and wishing that a broken heart could just kill me. To be out of pain. To find peace. I wish so many things in such divergent directions. I wish I was with you right now, being loved by you and held by you. Holding you in return. I want you here with me. I also wish I had never met you. Never loved you. Never felt such unspeakable lows and disgrace as I have felt with you. I hate myself for not being able to switch it off.
Groups:Inner Circle Peeps

Alison

May 7th, 2009; 11:52 PM
I don't need to know her name.

I don't want to know her name.

It's just one more thing to wrap my head around, and take up the time that I don't really have anyway. One more thing to poison my thoughts and upset my sleep -that is, if I was getting any these days.

The last thing in the world that I wanted was to actually talk to her. And yes, I must agree with you. -She is stupid. I remember sitting there in shock, at how much you went on and on about how dumb she was. I thought at the time that you were being cruel, and trying to pull me into a mean spirited joke, as if we were old-friends-like-minded-and-playing-for-the-same-team-of-losers. But I am not your co-conspirator. And I feel ashamed for my moment of weakness, when I told her all of the hurtful things you had said to me about her. I do not like her. I do not respect her. And I do think that she is mentally inferior. But that does not give me the right to hurt her. To use my words and wit like a sharp sword against her. I have pride in being a nice person. In being the kind of daughter that my mother can be proud of. Of including people, and always trying to see the good in others and hard situations. And I lost myself there, for a moment. I lost my composure. My equilibrium. And I sank to your level. I do not wish her any ill will, (even though I do wish she could form sentences a little bit faster.) And I do not wish you ill will either. I only hope that you get everything that you have given and more. I hope you learn to feel. I hope you understand one day how to treat people. People like me. And I hope that you require more of yourself. I hope that you learn to fulfil your obligations to others. Such as repaying debts, being on time, caring for others (even sometimes FIRST! GASP! What a revolution that will be for you my friend! To think of someone else's feelings!) In short. I hope you grow up and get your shit together sir! Good luck. And good bye.

Things That I Will Probably Never Say

January 5th, 2009; 11:58 PM

Current mood:lonely

I wanted to talk with you tonight. I had a small window of opportunity, shortly after work, before ladies night, and while I was *not* on the highway (because I know how much you hate to talk with me while I'm driving -the sound of the freeway is annoying I agree.) I called you while I waited in line at the drive through prescription window at Walgreens. Or is it Wallgreens?? Whatever that place is called...I called you from there. It was probably too soon for you. My guess is that you were most likely still in your gear, or just getting home and cleaning up. Or resting. I know how you usually need to unwind after work and like to take a nap. It was the only time I had available in the window of acceptable times to call (between 5 and 8 PM). Oh well. I wish you would just call me. Right now. You're probably still pissed off at me. In which case, it's probably for the best that we do not speak. You've never been good at making peace and getting down to loving. You like to stay rummy. When you get in a pissy mood, you like to hang out there for a good while. I hate that about you. I wish you could just talk, focus on harmonious communication, work things out well, and then love. I miss your love. I wish I could hear your warm, deep, relaxed and friendly voice right now. Instead I have the I'm pissed off at you silent treatment. The I want you to "meditate" on what you've done wrong treatment. Word MF? The term "MEDITATE" has nothing to do with ruminating over all of the things that you hate about me. Nor is it a *healthy* or even *nice* thing to do, to try to force someone to beat them self up mentally and hate themself as much as you hate them. SO...I PASS on that invite. I am Russia. I veto. However, if you want to have a heartfelt dialogue I am totally game. I love you very much. And if it pisses you off that I won't join you in the misery then oh well. I hope you join me over here soon though. Because yet again. I do love you very much.

Metaphor

July 27th, 2008; 12:13 AM

"I have. love. for. you. -Like a dog, or a cat, or a really good steak burrito...well maybe not *that much* love..I guess it's more like a so-so-bean-burrito-kind-of-love. I mean, steak burrito's are fuckin' rad."

-Yeah. That's about how I feel he loves me. He doesn't love me more than a steak burrito. And frankly I'm coming a close 2nd to the dog. I think the cat beat me out though. ;-)

Well...since I'm vacillating between throwing myself down the well of despair, and actually forcing myself to be optimistic and feel good no matter what god damn it! -I think it's time for me to get out of this fucking house and go distract myself with something/some people/some place that is actually good. I need to get my head on straight and get busy getting happy. -Right now.

Sex Without Love

September 12th, 2007; 4:15 AM

I just slept with you. There are so many things that I don't think you understand or pay attention to..but that I don't say either. Some of them would be: 1. You are not all that in bed. In fact. You are not very good at all at oral sex. And your fingering skills are really bad. You are not a very good lover. You can be sometimes...but now...not so much. But even when you did try...you still didn't know your way around a vagina with your mouth. 2. I am having sex with you but I am not in love with you anymore. I know you seem to think that I was joking when I said: “This doesn't mean anything to me..really. Now let's get back to just being friends again.” I really did mean that. You laughed and joked in a cute doe-eyed way...which told me that maybe this meant something to you...probably not though... But I don't think you know it means nothing to me. That was just sex. Not love. I have learned from you, how to separate my heart from the act of sex. I just wanted to get a blow job. I didn't even want to reciprocate. I ended up doing that just because. But I really have not been after you for the last few days...as you seem to think. I wish my vibrator was here..I would stop resorting to using your cock. But honestly...I do not feel any love when we are having sex. In fact I like someone else. So I really should stop having sex with you. I need to demonstrate to him that he actually means something to me. And he will never give me his heart with your cock in my pussy. So get out!  

Blargity blargity blarg

Jul. 12th, 2007 at 1:57 AM

I feel horrible right now. Maybe horrible is an overstatement but maybe not. I don't know I feel sad though. And deeply hurt. There's nothing like "fresh new hurt" to instantly revive your memory of "deep old hurt". I hate him. I really do. (well not really) BUT! I do feel like putting a dead fish in his car. Something broke and now his back window won't roll up all the way, and I am sadly tempted to use this to my advantage. But I won't. :-( Tempting. But sadly...I am only marginally above that type of behavior.) I wish I wasn't though. And then there are so many miscommunication's that some part of me feels like I really don't have to be this upset. Even typing this and acknowledging this fact has calmed me down a bit. He (Joshua) is so confusing to me. He .......[OK. I just called him. Isn't that horrible and evil and wrong. Oh Fucking Well!] *sigh* I feel much better right now. Much calmer right now. My heart is still flooding my body with needless emotion. Why can't I have an on off switch for this stupid heart of mine!? I talked to him and at least cleared up one thing that was really hurting me. And it was just him saying something that did not have the meaning that I attributed to it. And he did not fully understand the whole situation which is common enough. He doesn't bother to find out if he is missing info before he blurts out his thoughts...That's just his style. But OK OK let it go. Deep breath. (Fuck him!) Ok wait no...I don't really want to put out that kind of energy but honestly that is where I am right now. I want every bad thing that he has ever done, said, or failed to do (but should have done), to come back to haunt him. I want instant Karmic retribution! I want to smite my enemies...NOT *decimate* ...There will be no survivors! I want him to be deeply humbled. Crying on his hands and knees. Knowing what a tool he has really been and how he ROYALLY FUCKED UP WITH ME! How he made the biggest mistake of his life by NOT treasuring me and treating me well.

I need to go away from him. I need to cut him off and kick him like a bad drug addiction. (But then how will I see the pathetic downfall of his life? -I want front row seats.) 

So where does this all begin? A couple of days ago everything was fine. And Joshua was not dogging me out like he is at this very moment. Yesterday. He was having a very bad day. I spoke with him on the phone, and he had just gotten word that he had lost a court case and that he would have to pony up $5,000. He wasn't going to be able to go back to school. His life was generally in the toilet. And I told him that I could help him if he wanted help. I've grown somewhat adept at seeking out and getting scholarship and grant money for school. (something that he and his friends know NOTHING about). And I offered to help him with this. Because a measly 5K should not stand between a person and their college education. It was a friendly gesture and I was trying to cheer him up an let him know that it was only a momentary setback. I wanted him to put it all in perspective and not be defeated by it. ....And then I told him "I love you." Those are words that I have not uttered to him since we broke up 4 months ago. I have pointedly NOT said those words to him. Something that used to flow from my lips so easily. --Like water. I just gave it up freely all the time; it would be impossible for him to NOT know that I loved him. That was how I was raised, and how I wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted him to feel loved, cherished, adored, treasured, and truly and deeply special. --He was to me. But then we broke up and that changed things. I stopped saying I love you. Not that I stopped *feeling* the "I love you's" inside...but I stopped conveying the message. I was trying to turn off the switch. I figure that falling out of love is just as gradual as falling in love. It'll take time but eventually I'll get there. And I was well on my way. Until I said "I love you." I didn't mean it in a "Hey I love you let's get back together sort of way." But rather a friendly, chuck on the shoulder...you've still got me as a friend and "I love you" sort of way. BARG! ENTER BIG TIME CONFUSION NEXT! He...was all emotional and he got all quiet...and his voice got all squeaky, with a lump in his throat, he could barely talk....and he eeked out a moony eyed "I love you". (It's true I couldn't see his eyes but I just KNOW they were mooning!) It was not the same kind of "I love you" that I gave him. There was meaning in that moment. Big meaning. Barg! 

He came over to my house. We had a great time just talking and hanging out...and then yes. we had sex. I know I shouldn't have done it. But I did. And I might just do it again. (Did I mention I'm losing my humanity?) I was trying to be a "big girl" and was very clear to him that I knew it didn't mean anything. And that I suffered no delusions that we were getting back together or that this meant anything. I knew it was just sex. Or so I said..and really believed at that moment. I was fine with it. After all I've been dating someone else who is completely amazing and so much better and nicer to me than Joshua is, was, or most likely ever will be. (add in guilt now..because although said fabulous guy knows that I am dating other people..he does *not* know that I am having *sex* with anyone --Particularly my ex!) I have not had sex with mister fabulous...but I am having sex with Joshua. But let's put Mister Cool on hold for a minute and finish with Joshua. 

Last night could have been amazing. It had moments of amazingness. The intimacy and camaraderie were there. He held me and didn't want to let go. He was so loving. I don't know if I hurt him but I think I did. It was a preemptive strike. I was protecting myself from him. But in doing so I think I helped change the dynamic of that moment. I made it seem like I had no attachment to him and that I was happily dating someone else. And that this moment was just sex. And that I was totally up for sex without love. I didn't love him anymore. I tried to sound casual and aloof. But I think it hurt him. And then he turned his casual aloofness on me. He is much better at this game than me. I folded. I said a few hurtful things that I know I said because I was trying sooooo hard to seem detached but they of course had the exact opposite effect. I said in a cold and businesslike tone: "I have no illusions as to what I mean to you. I *know* that I don't mean anything to you. We are not getting back together. You do not love me. And I am very clear on that." I hurt him. I was so hurt. I need to get away. Clear my head and think. I know he loves me and that I just hurt him and he did it right back. Only in the end *I* am the dope who is seriously derailed. I am the one who feels it the most. (maybe that's not true...but it feels true right now...) Oh...here's the clincher...so the guy that I totally like right now...Well..Joshua actually mentioned him. He said that he would be happy for me and happy if I was in love with someone else as long as it wasn't so and so. Hehe. Funny that he'd say that. And I feel momentarily that I AM NOT READY FOR LOVE. I want peace. Good sleep. Fun. And I wonder why Joshua mentioned him...how did he know? If he knows? And if he really means that? And then even if he does mean it...why should I care? I could be friends with Joshua and reduce mister wonderful to a friend...and probably keep them both in my life. Or I could really go for Mister Cool and see if Joshua would never talk to me again...or what? Or I could date Joshua...and I think Mister Cool is sooooo cool that he would be hurt, but I bet he would still be my friend. Or I could NOT DATE ANYONE until I know WTF I am doing!?! Everything was so easy. Why do I still have these stupid heartstrings. BLAH! I am not datable right now. Eva thinks that I need to tell Mister Cool that Joshua and I had sex. She thinks that a relationship can't start on a lie. And I agree with her in principal. But I just think that if Mister Cool knew that I'd had sex with anyone he would be crushed. Only the other night we were both fawning over "how SPECIAL" we were to each other. And he told me that he wold prefer if I didn't date anyone else. He was trying to be non demanding. He is so sweet. Is it possible to be in love with 2 people at the same time? I have no idea. But if he knew I am afraid that he would be so hurt that that would be the end of us. If I broke it off with him and got back together with my ex...then he could be my friend..but if he knew that WHILE he was loving me and I was falling in love with him...I slept with someone else...especially under the pretense of it being "empty meaningless sex"...that would hurt him. I feel like I have turned into the worst kind of person...and I am like a bee going from flower to flower. This is such a long ramble...and I am sure it hardly makes sense. It makes very little sense to me too. I need sleep. Will figure it out in the morning.

Frustration...I never knew that being *pissy* could be catching.

• Jul. 1st, 2007 at 1:35 AM

Really now. I sometimes find myself wondering *WHY* I even attempt to be friends with Joshua. He has a long standing history of *not* coming correct. He doesn't just do this with me, he does this with his so called best friends, his father, his work (previously), his "guild" (total dork!), and pretty much anyone he comes into contact with given enough time and experience. I know we all have moments like this. I do too. It is a fact unfortunately, that if you know me and are my friend long enough, I will eventually do something inconsiderate. I never have the intention of hurting peoples feelings..and I usually make good on the things that I do wrong. I think mistakes are all just a part of being human. So..with the occasional mistake, I am more than understanding and forgiving because I do it too. But with Joshua..geeze...It's more like a deep seeded psychological problem. He is destructive to himself. It's almost a compliment to have him *not* see what a cool person I am and how lucky he is to have me as a friend. So much of the time he isolates himself and when he does surround himself..it's with people who look the other way while he self destructs. -Not exactly good friends in my book. One particular person...his current and longtime best friend (who happens to be a girl who has had the most enourmous crush on him since like FOREVER and was a total thorn in my side throughout my 3 and a half year relationship!), is actually "KNOWN" for how awkward and unsociable she is. In some ways she promotes and relishes in this identity. Her tag on myspace is something like "Grumpy". And she's always saying things like: "I'm grumpy. ...I'm in a bad mood today. ...I'm in a "funk". ...It's grump day." Well Woo fucking Hoo! Who wants to even be around people like that?! -I don't. But for Joshua...people like that are like home. I think it's a sickness really. Those are not the *uplifting* sorts that I would want to foster deep and lasting friendships with...but hey...that's just me...and that's just my preference. *sigh* I don't know! I am definitely "challenging my Buddha-nature" here folks. But beyond spirituality and trying to overcome obstacles..particularly with regards to my relationship with Joshua...(I only want a friendship)...I have my "rational side". The thinker in me...who says things like: "Fuck friendship! Fuck Buddha-nature! This DOUCHE doesn't deserve you in ANY WAY. He didn't love you and cherish you as a girlfriend. And he doesn't cherish you as a friend. He really isn't the kind of person you would even want to be friends with if you met him today and had no prior history...He's opinionated but ignorant..(a very bad combination). His friends are about as friendly and cheerful as the black plague. WHY even try?! Is my *trying* my own sickness?? -Perhaps.

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• Mood:  annoyed

Nothing *sheepish grin*

• Jun. 2nd, 2007 at 11:16 AM

He wrote about me. And mentioned me by name...so there is no guessing as to who he was talking about. Apparently he writes about me often enough in his real life, tangible, hold in your hands, journal. It is in his words..."A juicy saga between his heart and Vanessa." Just knowing that changes a lot for me. To know that he thinks of me and that as far as all of the women he has known...I am *the juicy saga*...well, that just plum touches my heart! It makes my heart sing! *sigh*..(get a hold of yourself girl...)

• Mood:  touched

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Being Human Means Sometimes Being Lost

April 30th, 2007; 3:12 PM

I talked with him today. He hurt me again. New. Fresh hurt. I keep trying and he keeps hurting me. And all he can see is that I have hurt him.  He doesn't give a shit about how he treats me. He doesn't love me. He doesn't even want me around. He does not want to be my friend. He does not want to put right the things that he has done to me. He does not feel bad about anything except trusting me and loving me and being around me. He feels bad about that. He is so hurtful to my spirit. I try to put things right and be friends, and he is so angry. The only things that come across are his anger and his disinvestment in knowing me. I am in wretched pain. My heart is a new, fresh, gaping wound. And he probably doesn't even give a shit about it.He is cruel. I feel so helpless to change our dynamic. I wish I was not in pain. My heart hurts. I need a bubble-wrapped-heart. Protect me lord. Make me not feel anything anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I just want to forget everything. I want to forget him and Bree. Oshyan, Marika, Sophie, Julie, Noah, April, Austin, Mike, Marie, Jordan, Faith, Face, Jeremiah, Jessica, Bella, Tom, Rayne, Carson, Damian, Gay, Lizzy, Liz, Raven, His Aunt, Rene, Paula, Lisa. I want to forget Joshua Ryan Bourque Bolin Queen. I want him to be nothing to me. I don't want my heart to linger on still loving him. I want to forget his name, face, pain, words, misdeeds, everything. I want to forget his insensitivity and selfishness. I want to forget that I ever loved him or ever felt pain over him. I want him erased from my memory. Goodbye. I don' want to be nothing to him. It breaks my heart. I am a liar. I am not over him. I love him. He is a liar too. But the only problem is...I don't know what he's been lying about and what parts were the truth. He says things just to hurt me. He undermines my trust and self-esteem. I don't know how to have a good friendship with him where we are at right now. It would require me to be patient and see through his mean words to get there. And I don't want to be abused. He dishes it in abundant servings. But he never talks about himself in depth. He doesn't feel compelled to seek my forgiveness or make things good with me. He just wants me to go away for now. But I wonder if "for now" really means "forever".
Sansho Shima...keep chanting.