It felt good to stand up for myself. He was quiet for a moment, and his eyes looked down, and then he apologized. I honestly didn't expect that. This is a person who could use a good deal of anger management, and although I had contemplated offering up this suggestion, I decided against it. He is the one who must make that move. And I don't want to *coerce* anyone into doing something that they don't want to do, no matter how helpful it may be for them in the long run. There are a few exceptions to this statement such as: children who need guidance, nurturance and structure...in that case I would not be above devious mom-like tricks. Whatever it takes really to help my beloved. But this person is not that close to me. He's a *friend* but not a best friend. And it seems that he needs to find his own path. I hope that he does. Living his life the way he does, with such consistent anger and disrespect towards approx. half of the population, ironically primarily hurts him. It ensures that he will be without a mate -because no self-respecting woman would choose to be with someone who has no respect for her or her sisters. It also pushes people away from him (his male friends AND me). -From what I can tell, I think I'm actually his ONLY female friend. That's pretty telling in and of itself! It limits the kinds of jobs that he can have and do well in. His whole life really. The longer he lives with this bitterness in his heart, the more self-fulfilling his beliefs become. He said something about love never working out and always leading to pain. Well...if you really believe that...then I'm afraid, that's what's going to be true for you in your lifetime. I know that a lot of his anger towards women stems from his still hurt feelings from past relationship failures, and for that, I have compassion. It's hard when things don't work out or when people don't treat you the way you'd like to be treated. It's sort of like he was once a beautiful butterfly who's had his wings crushed and mangled with defeat, and now, instead of straitening out his wings and giving himself all of the healing and love that he deserves, he's embraced the mangled crushed look, and become a curmudgeony old bug instead of a dazzling monarch. I wish you well butterfly. Get back to your roots because at the heart of it, I know you're a beautiful person. Learn to love and appreciate women. See them as your equals. Treat us like your beloved sister or mother, friend, or child. Learn to love with your whole being. I will be rooting for you. ...But just in case...I will also be carrying a fly swatter for when you get out of hand. ...Just sayin'...
Thank you for the above post. I recently worked with a colleague who treated me differently to other women ie, in that he ignored me (I was his associate) and he constantly put others first esp males (he was gay). I knew that he didn't like me. I go to work to get the job done and be pleasant and polite to people. I spoke to him about his behaviour - for eg. not telling me about major things that were happening at work which affected our environment and day-to-day tasks, others knew and he had discussed with them (other females and staff) and not me. I think his behaviour was not only misogyny but also bordering psychopath. As an example, I had returned from being ill and advised him that I was still a bit unwell and he said that he didn't have to care. No matter what strategy I took, nothing worked. After speaking to HR a year ago, I left recently. I am disappointed about this that no other manager or anyone did anything or speak to him about his treatment towards me. He would just charm them esp. HR and they all took his word as a manager against mine. Anyway, I think his new boss, has caught onto it and now he is looking to move internally. Shame that I had no other options.
ReplyDeleteDear Anonymous,
DeleteI'm going to say to you, something that my cousin told me once "Sometimes when you 'take out the trash' you take out AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaall the trash!" In other words, I applaud you for getting out of that toxic work environment. It takes a lot of courage and chutzpah to make a move away from a job whose work environment doesn't work for you. It sounds like not having to see that guy every day, is an instant *upgrade*. The fact that your company did nothing to stop his abhorrent behavior tells me that they had poor leadership. A truly great leader, would never alow that kind of hostility and misogyny to permeate the work environment. I'm sorry you had to go through that. But I think that speaking up, and being willing and able to move onto better things is exactly the kinds of actions that will eventually change our culture, and make this type of behavior less socially acceptable. Good for you! Bravo!