April 27th, 2009; 3:08 PM
This morning, I tried to do my morning ritual, where I think about all of the people I love and how that makes me feel, then I think about all of the people that love me and how that makes me feel, then I imagine my life as I would like it to be and really feel that feeling then go. Usually I hop out of bed with eagerness and that Christmas morning feeling...but this morning my mind kept getting hung up. I couldn't focus. When I thought of the people that I loved, they seemed so distant, like faded memories, or imaginary friends. Something not real. Something that maybe once was, but was no longer current. And when I thought of the people who loved me, I just felt so empty. Like maybe there's someone out there that loves me? I'm not sure? I kept thinking that all of the people who really loved me deeply are either dead, or dying. Or if there is love, that it is shallow and pale. (Basically, I was feeling down.) It was hard to rally. I kept trying again and again, telling myself that I was not going to get up until I could get it right. Until I could get my head straight. I kept trying to force myself to envision my life in a great way. A positive outcome. Something wonderful and filled with safety, abundance, laughter, levity, joy, friends, family, my mom being well and happy. I just couldn't do it. It felt so fake. I kept thinking about my father (a man that I almost NEVER think about, except in times like these.) Unfortunately, when things are hard, somewhere deep inside of me is a persistent reminder, that my father is not here. That he never was here for me. That he is out there somewhere, living the lifestyle of an aging playboy/B-rate James Bond/Rockstar. A self centered, yet lavish and wonderful life. He's got the car, the boat, the plane, the penthouse, and endless nights out on the town, with countless women. He has the freedom to travel, and does often. And he feels no attachment or obligation to me. He does not really care about me. For the most part, I am ok and do not think about this. "So what" is my predominant attitude with regard to Edward. But I do feel cheated. Shortchanged. And I'll admit it, bitter. He should have been a better husband to my mother, a better son to my grandmama, a better brother to my Uncle Edgar, and a much better father to me. And I have to let it go and move on. I have before. I will again now. I have to stop thinking poisonous thoughts about why he never really loved me or has ever come to my rescue. I have to let that go for my happiness. And honestly, just say, SO WHAT! He's never shown up. It's not his style. That's ok. You are going to be just fine. You've never had him to help shelter you from day one, so who cares now? It's not like you are missing anything that you have ever become accustomed to. Think of the plus side? -You are much stronger BECAUSE he was never there. You have developed fortitude and the ability to overcome obstacles because you have had to. This is a blessing. It is a strength. And of course when you are in the process of learning new things and developing those strengths, it will not always be easy...in fact almost by definition, it will be hard...whenever you are stretching and growing, things are hard until you have mastered your new skill...so feel good about all of this challenge...feel proud and exceptional! You are growing! Tomorow you will be tougher and stronger than you are today. And one day, you will look back on all of this, with more wisdom and understanding than you have today. One day, you will be grateful for all of these life lessons.
Current mood:
blah
I'm having a hard time today. I want to be at work. I want my mom to be feeling better than she is, and able to go to the bathroom on her own. I also want to clip her nails and cut her hair (but she won't let me).blahThis morning, I tried to do my morning ritual, where I think about all of the people I love and how that makes me feel, then I think about all of the people that love me and how that makes me feel, then I imagine my life as I would like it to be and really feel that feeling then go. Usually I hop out of bed with eagerness and that Christmas morning feeling...but this morning my mind kept getting hung up. I couldn't focus. When I thought of the people that I loved, they seemed so distant, like faded memories, or imaginary friends. Something not real. Something that maybe once was, but was no longer current. And when I thought of the people who loved me, I just felt so empty. Like maybe there's someone out there that loves me? I'm not sure? I kept thinking that all of the people who really loved me deeply are either dead, or dying. Or if there is love, that it is shallow and pale. (Basically, I was feeling down.) It was hard to rally. I kept trying again and again, telling myself that I was not going to get up until I could get it right. Until I could get my head straight. I kept trying to force myself to envision my life in a great way. A positive outcome. Something wonderful and filled with safety, abundance, laughter, levity, joy, friends, family, my mom being well and happy. I just couldn't do it. It felt so fake. I kept thinking about my father (a man that I almost NEVER think about, except in times like these.) Unfortunately, when things are hard, somewhere deep inside of me is a persistent reminder, that my father is not here. That he never was here for me. That he is out there somewhere, living the lifestyle of an aging playboy/B-rate James Bond/Rockstar. A self centered, yet lavish and wonderful life. He's got the car, the boat, the plane, the penthouse, and endless nights out on the town, with countless women. He has the freedom to travel, and does often. And he feels no attachment or obligation to me. He does not really care about me. For the most part, I am ok and do not think about this. "So what" is my predominant attitude with regard to Edward. But I do feel cheated. Shortchanged. And I'll admit it, bitter. He should have been a better husband to my mother, a better son to my grandmama, a better brother to my Uncle Edgar, and a much better father to me. And I have to let it go and move on. I have before. I will again now. I have to stop thinking poisonous thoughts about why he never really loved me or has ever come to my rescue. I have to let that go for my happiness. And honestly, just say, SO WHAT! He's never shown up. It's not his style. That's ok. You are going to be just fine. You've never had him to help shelter you from day one, so who cares now? It's not like you are missing anything that you have ever become accustomed to. Think of the plus side? -You are much stronger BECAUSE he was never there. You have developed fortitude and the ability to overcome obstacles because you have had to. This is a blessing. It is a strength. And of course when you are in the process of learning new things and developing those strengths, it will not always be easy...in fact almost by definition, it will be hard...whenever you are stretching and growing, things are hard until you have mastered your new skill...so feel good about all of this challenge...feel proud and exceptional! You are growing! Tomorow you will be tougher and stronger than you are today. And one day, you will look back on all of this, with more wisdom and understanding than you have today. One day, you will be grateful for all of these life lessons.
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