Monday, May 11, 2009 at 9:33pm
I took my mom to see her friends this weekend. I have been having such a hard time...SHE has been having a hard time. Things have just been rough and scary. And I've been battling myself to maintain my inner fortitude, and external composure. It's hard sometimes. I have been crying way too much lately. And sleeping way to little. My nights are restless, and when I do sleep I have nightmares. And then I thought about my Grandma. She was ONE TOUGH BROAD! No matter what, she was always making new goals, and working towards them. And she would push herself to go after them. So I did the same. (And took my mom along for the ride.) This week has been really bad for her. And I was very tempted to just say, we're staying in bed and resting because that is the wisest thing to do. But Then I realized that it may never get any better than how it is right now. What if this is it? I determined that if this was as good as it got, then we would still have great lives. Even if we had to force ourselves to do it. So, I got my mom ready, and took her out. I put her in the wheelchair, and then popped her in the car, and we went to Sonoma to a BBQ at her friends house. It was really good for my mom to see her friends. To be around people that loved her, that weren't me. I think it is so important for us to be connected to other people. It feeds our souls. And calms the heart. She was having a hard day...When I told her that I was taking her to a BBQ, she laughed and said "Dream on." Unfortunately, I forgot to take a picture of her at the BBQ, so I got a couple as we were about to leave, and we were packing her back into the car. Looking at these photos, I am glad that I got her out of the house, but the expression on her face is what has really worried me. It's not the tough times that worry me. It's when my mom stops smiling. It concerns me because she has always been one of the most consistently happy, and kind people that I have ever known. You have to understand...when she used to go into get her chemo infusions, she would often times get in trouble for laughing too much. She just has a great attitude, and a little twinkle. But lately, that has gone out of her. She is not herself. She is exhausted, and ill, and afraid. And that's just not like her. She is usually smiling no matter what.
More Mom and Monica
Monica and Mom (Mom was about to puke..you can kind of tell by her expression)
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