"Friend"

February 22nd, 2009; 1:01 PM

Current mood:betrayed

I am all too familiar with this feeling by now. I've been here before. I've been here but worse before. (Thank god it's not that bad this time.) -I think the gradual numbing of my heart is why it's not as bad as it could be, this time around. And you are operating as you usually do. I've changed my profile to private this week. Pulled off a lot of data that was on it. And even though I haven't been writing very much at all lately, there has been a notable spike in the amount of views of my blog. Now it could just be the curiosity of my friends...as I do share quite a bit about what is going on in my life on there (not everything though -hard as that may be to believe -but admittedly a lot). My friends might be checking on me to make sure I'm OK-Dokey (which I am/not/will be/and kinda am again).  My life is on fire right now. Romance-wise and family-wise. Things are burning all around me and it's scary for me. But then I think about what George always says: “Steel is hard because it knows the white heat of the furnace and the sting of the hammer.” Well...I've taken my lumps this week...and I'm still in the fire...so I guess this means I'm going to be one tough son-of-a-bitch when this is all over! It's funny though how much of history repeats it's self. I don't know if anyone ever noticed (I sure did) ....but Joshua is not, nor has he ever been my “friend” on myspace. Or on facebook. Or on livejournal. (Secret's out folks...now you know the truth about me...I'm whoring around on myspace with other networking sites! And loving it! If you're on those too...let me know...we can be friends there as well.) ...But I digress... Joshua has a myspace account. He started it two years ago when we had another major break up. Some girl who he started dating spent a lot of time on there...and influenced him with her appeal to sign up and get an account. He did. Eventually, they broke up and she deleted him from her account. And eventually we got back together, and even though I sent him friend invites and actually verbalized how I would like him to "friend me"...even though it's not a major thing..it kind of is too...I want my life to have some clarity. I want one of the most significant people in my life to at least have me in his circle of friends on his myspace and facebook accounts. To which he always replied: “I never go on there. It doesn't mean anything.” It's partially true. He hasn't officially logged in on myspace in about two years...since Lizzy dumped him via e-mail. He has however been on the site and I know it. He's checked out my blogs in the past when I was logged in...and left all of these (cute at the time) comments on my pages which make it seem like I've got split personality disorder...because it's really him commenting not me. I highly suspect, although I cannot confirm, that he may be one of the reasons that there has been a spike this week in views. I've set my profile to private...but soon realized that I do not know of a way to set my blogs to private...I thought I had, but then found out that nope...everyone in the world...logged in or not...can view them unless I specifically go back into each and every one of them and set them to diary or viewable only by friends. I have a crazypants amount of blogs. I write a lot. And I have mixed feelings about this all. I wish for right now, there was an immediate way to make all writing of mine private, with the ability to, at a later date change my mind without too much work involved. There isn't. It would take editing each and every one of them. -Lamepants sir! Oh...but this takes me to facebook. I had in the past sent Joshua a friend invite there. A friend of mine had told me a story about how she had sent this guy that she had previously been interested in, an invite on facebook, and then things didn't work out...but the invite was still out there. There's no way to see the invites you've extended and cancel them once they have been sent. So low and behold...several months go by...practically a year later...and who should be leaving a post on her page?...and who had had access to all of her photos and writing?...and the comments of her friends as well?...*that guy*. I decided to preemptively avoid all of that by simply blocking Joshua in facebook. And guess who has decided in this week to finally add a photo to his profile?...and friend a bunch of people? (before he had no photo and only one friend). -Joshua. And guess who is not one of his friends, even though I think I have wanted to be one much more and much longer than anyone? -Me. Now here is where the word betrayal comes to mind. Betrayal is the perfect word because on one hand I feel very betrayed by his actions. It's like he couldn't find the time to make a minor gesture that would have meant a lot to me in the past. But right after we break up, suddenly...he's making posts and showing the world what a friendly and social guy he is. And I am not included. Even though I can't express in words, how much I wanted to be. -It really makes my heart break. This is all too familiar territory. I feel like a river guide that has been down this treacherous stretch of river infested with anacondas, piranha, caimans, crocodiles, and gators. It's also the complete and shocking difference in how our images are right now. Right now..I'm down. And the things I write and say are authentic and appropriate for what I'm going through. And his image is hey I'm happy, frisky, and there is no mention of me, us, what is going on, or anything. I tend to think that it is in part a veneer. A show for all to see...but not the real truth. But who knows? Maybe it is the real truth? Maybe 5 years of loving someone means nothing at all to him? Ouch. ...Back to betrayal...I have betrayed myself by even wishing that I could be his friend and by feeling bad about this situation of not being one on frigging facebook!? -Like that's real life anyway? I did make the call to block him. But even if I didn't...he wouldn't have friended me anyway. Yep. 
Mentally fade up music: Beck's song “Loser” ...”Soy un perdedor...I'm a loser baby...so why don't you kill me?”...That's about how I'm feeling right now.