After doing what I must...I got to relax with a banana milk shake. I made one for me and one for my Mom. We had a liquid diet for dinner. Soup...and banana milk shakes. She had 4 pieces of buttered bread with her soup.
I can't tell you how much I am afraid of my life right now. I am so sad and scared. I just wish it was easier. And that someone else could take the reigns for a bit so I could have a chance to rest, feel cared for, and get my strength back. I feel like I am on the edge of a nervous break down. I'm crying and sad. And I just can't seem to shake it for more than a few hours today. It's not usually this high pressure for me. Or it is...but I don't feel it so much usually. I do a better job of it usually. I need to decompress. Too bad I don't drink or do drugs...or smoke even. Uuuuggghh. It would be easier if I zoned out. I wish I could turn my emotions off for a bit. Just not feel. Be placid and calm. I wish I had someone to protect me, to hold me, and love me. I never realized what a wonderful feeling protection was before. When I was a small child, I never felt this scared. I never felt afraid of my life like I do now. I was filled with such optimism, and calm steady warmth inside of me. I felt safe. Doubtless. Full of love. I miss that feeling. I wonder where have I gone? Where is the strong courageous me?
I can't tell you how much I am afraid of my life right now. I am so sad and scared. I just wish it was easier. And that someone else could take the reigns for a bit so I could have a chance to rest, feel cared for, and get my strength back. I feel like I am on the edge of a nervous break down. I'm crying and sad. And I just can't seem to shake it for more than a few hours today. It's not usually this high pressure for me. Or it is...but I don't feel it so much usually. I do a better job of it usually. I need to decompress. Too bad I don't drink or do drugs...or smoke even. Uuuuggghh. It would be easier if I zoned out. I wish I could turn my emotions off for a bit. Just not feel. Be placid and calm. I wish I had someone to protect me, to hold me, and love me. I never realized what a wonderful feeling protection was before. When I was a small child, I never felt this scared. I never felt afraid of my life like I do now. I was filled with such optimism, and calm steady warmth inside of me. I felt safe. Doubtless. Full of love. I miss that feeling. I wonder where have I gone? Where is the strong courageous me?
- Mood:
sad
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