Swimming The Ocean

December 1st, 2008; 7:17 AM

Current mood:determined

Life really is like swimming the ocean. My Uncle used to tell me that I had to conserve my energy. That I had to have some energy in reserve for the unexpected things that would surely come my way (since they happen to us all.) I really get this more and more as I get older and more mature. This whole thing (life) is really a long ordeal. And for most of us, victories are not won overnight, but rather things that are subtly built up to with thoughts, words, and actions. For most of us it takes a lot longer to get to our dreams than we thought it would be. And also our dreams are not the final destination...it seems to me that dreams give birth to more dreams. I feel so behind schedule with my life. And sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with circumstances and hardship that it's a real challenge to keep my focus and march on towards my desired outcome.  But here I am. The real challenge lies in being happy with yourself, and life, and those you love; while in the midst of your challenges. -While pursuing your dreams. It seems so easy to get off track, or even to forget who we are and what we really want?!? How can this be?

I am in love with a man who seems to think that he has found his true happiness and the career that he wants to do for the rest of his life. It's possible. I really don't know. I'm not him and so the best I can do is just trust what he says. Something about it however, seems like it is not the real deal, but rather an easy distraction. Because to pursue the real deal, he'd have to face many scary things. He'd be forced to grow. And the distraction doesn't demand that of him. The distraction is safe and comforting, and takes him as he is now. He told me what his big dream was many years. He'd be good at it. But since telling me, he hasn't taken any steps to get closer to it. He did however achieve another more easily accomplished life dream. And I am really proud of him for doing this. But now it seems like time to move forward on the harder stuff.

But enough about him! He's my distraction. Truly it's time for ME to move forward on the harder stuff. He has his own life and path to follow. And we might travel together (hopefully -fingers crossed!) or we might travel our own paths in different directions. But I have to move on with my own goals. I love him. And I tell you...My heart longs to be with this man. And I really think the best way for me to make that possible is to go work on my own shit. I need to get on the ball so that life doesn't leave me in the wake wondering what happened. I have a great job. TWO great jobs. But neither of them are my higher calling. And they also don't feed my soul. I need to educate myself so that I can reach the kind of existence that I dream of and yearn for.

Last night, I found myself sitting at a table of my peers, and I realized that the conversation was so unusual. It wasn't something that most people would be discussing. The topics ranged from O-Chem, to cadavers, to what kind of people volunteer to be the test patients for med school students...particularly when they are giving prostate exams. It was so funny. I realized that most of my friends are very well educated, and are also in pursuit of MORE EDUCATION. And that I have left their ranks. It was a momentary hiatus, and a good decision. But it's time for me to rally and get back in the game. No more standing on the sidelines catching my breath! I deserve a great life. And the only way I'm going to have it, is if I go out and make it happen for myself. So here I go! Back to school tra la tra la! And I'm open to moving tra la tra la! I've decided that I will try my best to get the best education I can. No matter where that takes me. -And my mom.