I spoke with Joshua last night. And I found out a lot of stuff. I have to say that I'm glad I'm in my super honesty phase. It allowed me to say that little extra sentence or two that I might have left out before because I would have thought..."gee this is uncomfortable to say..and I also think he already knows it without me having to say it...therefore...I won't say it." But nope. I said it. And I'm so glad. He agreed that he would have already known it without me having to say it...but what wouldn't have happened, is me knowing his response and what it means.
He told me that he was really excited about being a ski instructor. And that he is working on his level II certification (which you need in order to be an instructor in another country)...Yes! That's right! I said ANOTHER COUNTRY! He is hoping to have his level II by the end of this season, but it most likely will be by the end of the winter season next year. I am mixed. I am the one who encouraged him to go in the first place, and I am also the one who planted the seed in his head ..that maybe he could get his level II THIS season...and that he should just try and see. So I have no one to blame but myself. I am really happy for him. It's good to see him taking off like this and doing so well.
He said that he would most likely be coming back to Santa Rosa for 6 months and then going back up to Northstar...and then hopefully Canada or Australia. And that he hopes to do this for the next 5 or so years. Bah! At this point my elation turned to heartache. I asked him if his roommates knew?...and he told me "Oshyan kicked me out. Didn't I tell you that?"
.....Ummm... No.
Apparently Oshyan sent him an e-mail (coward!) and said that he has missed Joshua since he's been gone, and that he realized this was the first time he has missed him in a long time. And for the sake of their friendship, he thinks it would be best if Joshua doesn't come back to Clark Street, where they lived together.
....Nice.....I have no problem with Oshyan saying he doesn't want to live with Joshua, and that he thinks their friendship would be better if they didn't...but to send an e-mail was lameness IMO.
And then Joshua asked me what I thought. I told him I was glad that he was doing so well, and that I would never try to stand in the way of his happiness, so I wouldn't try to tell him "No don't go!" (Although I jokingly reserve the right to say it at a later date.) He knew all of that. He asked me how I felt. And I told him glad, happy, and also a bit sad. I was hoping that there would be some possibility that we would build a life together. And the way I was initially interpreting him saying that he was planing on cycling between Northstar and international jobs for the next 5 years, kind of left me out of that picture. I realized that waiting a season is no big deal. Waiting 5 years!! IS! I clarified that it was not merely about friendship (I could be friends with a person no matter where they were in the world.) It's the deeper stuff..the romantic attachment...and hoping to be together one day that makes his plans sad for me. He was so awesome. His response was great. He said that first off nothing (meaning his job plans) was set in stone. And that these were just ideas that were rattling off in his brain. He really didn't know what he was going to be doing. He also said that Truckee wasn't that far away. And that him being a ski instructor doesn't mean that we can't be together. We then talked about him coming back and staying with me after the season ends this year. To which we are both still thinking about. It's probably going to happen. But it's good to not be impetuous. So that's the news with the boy. Oshyan is going to go visit Joshua sometime next month. They'll talk then. I hope that they work out their friendship, and that things are good for both of them. Joshua was saying that he didn't feel good about getting the e-mail. Which is understandable.
I am honestly apprehensive about Oshyans visit. Part of me thinks it's really good, and that they will have a good time bonding and talking about stuff that needs to be talked about. The down side to this would be that I know Oshyan knows that he is very influential with Joshua, and I just hope that he doesn't abuse that position. Things with Oshyan and I left off on a lame note. And I guess I'm afraid that he will try to erase me and make it so that he is likely to never see me again. If Joshua and I are together, this is not likely. Anyhow. I guess no matter what it will be good. This will be my opp to learn to trust. And know no matter what the outcome that it is the best thing for me.
- Mood:busy
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