February 19th, 2009; 12:44 AM
Q. "Do you know where you are?"
A. "Yes of course. I'm in San Francisco." (For some reason when my mom is really sick she always seems to think she's in San Francisco...often times it's more specific...like San Francisco at the post office.)
Q. "What year is it?"
A. "I know what year it is...dont you? It's the new year."
Q. "Who's the president?"
A. "The president is the president of course. Why do you want to know? He was just elected."
My mom is very good at giving round about quasi reasonable answers. It's not so good because she doesn't complain much and doesn't let you know when things are really bad for her. The plus side is she's a pleasure to have around. But I still need to know what's going on for her.
I don't think there is anything gracefull about me right now. I'm snotty, my eyes are red, and I'm covered in salty tears. I would like to behave in a way where I will be proud of myself one day looking back. I think about people who are rock solid and calm in moments like this and wonder how the fuck do they do it? It must be valium. I'm sure of it. I've decided to break down and finally see my own doctor and get a prescription for some sort of anti-anxiety medication. This has been recommended to me in the past by two doctors. I think I'm the only person I know who gets advice like "Go have a fling...and let me write you a prescription for some valium." Oy gevalt!
Current mood:
exhausted
Today has been a monumentally ball kicking day for me. I won't even go into everything. My mom was just fine today at lunch. But when I returned home after work, she seemed ok at first. But then she said that she needed me right now. I went to her room (she never says things like I need you right now, so it worried me a bit.) She didn't know where she was. (in her own bedroom, in a house that her parents bought over 30 years ago.) She was also scared. When I asked her what she was afraid of she couldn't put it into words. She then said something about having to pee. So I started to help her, and at her doorway, she wanted to turn back. I noticed the strange way she was standing. She was holding herself up by holding onto the doorway, and her leg was slack, like she had no control over it. She had to go to the bathroom but didn't want to tell me that she couldn't make it, even holding onto my arm she couldn't make it. So I had to carry her. I was worried at this point. My mom is almost always a little confused, but today for a while she couldn't conrol her legs or make it to the bathroom. Tomorrow we are going in to see her doctors. The medical advice nurse wanted me to bring my mom into the emergency room tonight. But I've seen this before. It freaks me out, mainly because I know that we have run the gamut with her chemotherapy. There is no more chemo. The thing that bought us our time has run out. And now we get what we get. My mom is tucked into bed right now with the dog at her side. She was slightly better and in high spirits when I put her to bed. I'm glad for that. I'm just also afraid of what we are going to find and what hard news might be coming. I know that her disease is progressive. And that she's been pretty good for a long time. I haven't had a day like this in a long while. When my mom was on the phone with the nurse, the nurse kept asking her questions that theoretically everyone would know...things like: exhaustedQ. "Do you know where you are?"
A. "Yes of course. I'm in San Francisco." (For some reason when my mom is really sick she always seems to think she's in San Francisco...often times it's more specific...like San Francisco at the post office.)
Q. "What year is it?"
A. "I know what year it is...dont you? It's the new year."
Q. "Who's the president?"
A. "The president is the president of course. Why do you want to know? He was just elected."
My mom is very good at giving round about quasi reasonable answers. It's not so good because she doesn't complain much and doesn't let you know when things are really bad for her. The plus side is she's a pleasure to have around. But I still need to know what's going on for her.
I don't think there is anything gracefull about me right now. I'm snotty, my eyes are red, and I'm covered in salty tears. I would like to behave in a way where I will be proud of myself one day looking back. I think about people who are rock solid and calm in moments like this and wonder how the fuck do they do it? It must be valium. I'm sure of it. I've decided to break down and finally see my own doctor and get a prescription for some sort of anti-anxiety medication. This has been recommended to me in the past by two doctors. I think I'm the only person I know who gets advice like "Go have a fling...and let me write you a prescription for some valium." Oy gevalt!
