September 26th, 2009; 3:08 PM
Current mood:disappointed
None of those conversations ever go the way I wanted them to. Never in the midst of the conversation, after I have opened up and been vulnerable and told the guy what it was that I *really* meant, and what I wanted to have happen...does the guy ever say in an epiphanal mannor, (light bulb goes on!) "Oh wow! Oh no! I totally get what you are saying! Oh my gosh, and that time that I thought you were saying this, it turns out you were really trying to say this instead. I totally get what you mean. I'm sorry that I responded that way. I get how that would be really disappointing to you, to be trying to connect and be open, and have me get mad instead. And I *do feel that way* I *do* appreciate what you were trying to do. Let's start again shall we? Now where were we..." That just NEVER EVER happens. (In real life). In my imaginary life it happens all the time, which must be why I keep trying (with out any success mind you) to say these words that are better left unsaid. Things that should die silently inside of me. Better forgotten, or just shrugged off as nothing much.
In my mind it seems like it's such a good idea. -To try to do your best. To be open. To have relationships with people that are clean and when problems arise to address them immediately, (or as immediately as you can...as soon as you figure out what exactly is going on...) It seems like when you have a moment that doesn't feel good, that you should express that and give the other person some feedback, especially if 95% of your interactions are good...it seems relevant and important for the guy to know that when he said X to me that it actually *did* have an effect (often times more than what he would imagine or what I let on in the moment.) Because I don't know how to handle everything. I don't know how to process my feelings all the time right away. So sometimes when I have a rummy interaction, I try not to feel it. I try not to be bothered or hurt by it, but I think that honestly a person should know that that was the effect of their actions on me because I'd like to think that no one would really want to make me feel that way. And if a person knew how to avoid it, they would. But maybe not? I'm not saying that I think that people are intentionally hurtful or desire to see the pinpricks of stinging words make their recipient flinch or cry...but that we are all like blind mice, bumping about in the dark with one another. Mostly we have fun and are good, but sometimes we run smack dab into one another and get hurt.
It's frustrating to me that these extensions of trust and vulnerablility are never really understood. Are never really met and appreciated. And that they never get an extension back. Maybe guys are just chicken shits? That seems quite possible...or maybe it's that it's all just too much work for most? I only know of one GUY who really does this in his life. And I love him for it! He messes up all the time, but it's really easy to be forgivning and understanding with him and to see throught the Mis-Takes that he makes because at the heart of it, you KNOW that he is a great person, and that he actually WILL think about it later on. He actually WILL try to understand and communicate in a better way in the future. He actually WILL extend himself in the most beautiful and vulnerable, honest, and imperfect way...and that things will be discussed and even if the problem is not completely solved...that things are moving in that direction and that the underlying feelings of mutual love, camaraderie, and gentleness are always there. I wish most people worked that way.
Current mood:disappointed
None of those conversations ever go the way I wanted them to. Never in the midst of the conversation, after I have opened up and been vulnerable and told the guy what it was that I *really* meant, and what I wanted to have happen...does the guy ever say in an epiphanal mannor, (light bulb goes on!) "Oh wow! Oh no! I totally get what you are saying! Oh my gosh, and that time that I thought you were saying this, it turns out you were really trying to say this instead. I totally get what you mean. I'm sorry that I responded that way. I get how that would be really disappointing to you, to be trying to connect and be open, and have me get mad instead. And I *do feel that way* I *do* appreciate what you were trying to do. Let's start again shall we? Now where were we..." That just NEVER EVER happens. (In real life). In my imaginary life it happens all the time, which must be why I keep trying (with out any success mind you) to say these words that are better left unsaid. Things that should die silently inside of me. Better forgotten, or just shrugged off as nothing much.
In my mind it seems like it's such a good idea. -To try to do your best. To be open. To have relationships with people that are clean and when problems arise to address them immediately, (or as immediately as you can...as soon as you figure out what exactly is going on...) It seems like when you have a moment that doesn't feel good, that you should express that and give the other person some feedback, especially if 95% of your interactions are good...it seems relevant and important for the guy to know that when he said X to me that it actually *did* have an effect (often times more than what he would imagine or what I let on in the moment.) Because I don't know how to handle everything. I don't know how to process my feelings all the time right away. So sometimes when I have a rummy interaction, I try not to feel it. I try not to be bothered or hurt by it, but I think that honestly a person should know that that was the effect of their actions on me because I'd like to think that no one would really want to make me feel that way. And if a person knew how to avoid it, they would. But maybe not? I'm not saying that I think that people are intentionally hurtful or desire to see the pinpricks of stinging words make their recipient flinch or cry...but that we are all like blind mice, bumping about in the dark with one another. Mostly we have fun and are good, but sometimes we run smack dab into one another and get hurt.
It's frustrating to me that these extensions of trust and vulnerablility are never really understood. Are never really met and appreciated. And that they never get an extension back. Maybe guys are just chicken shits? That seems quite possible...or maybe it's that it's all just too much work for most? I only know of one GUY who really does this in his life. And I love him for it! He messes up all the time, but it's really easy to be forgivning and understanding with him and to see throught the Mis-Takes that he makes because at the heart of it, you KNOW that he is a great person, and that he actually WILL think about it later on. He actually WILL try to understand and communicate in a better way in the future. He actually WILL extend himself in the most beautiful and vulnerable, honest, and imperfect way...and that things will be discussed and even if the problem is not completely solved...that things are moving in that direction and that the underlying feelings of mutual love, camaraderie, and gentleness are always there. I wish most people worked that way.
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