Sunday, September 19, 2010 at 6:58pm
I miss you so much mom. My heart is very heavy these days. And I feel broken. I'm trying my best to get in touch with all of the love that you gave me. The endless understanding, grace, and forgiveness. I want to feel comforted like I did when you were here. I want to hear your laugh so much. Or to make some joke that you and I would laugh hard and loud at. I want to hear your noises. The simple noise of you moving through the house. Your feet padding on the hardwood floors. Or the sound of you sitting down on the bed beside me. I just want to see your head pop in the doorway and see your big broad smile. I want to hear you say "Hi there!" Or "Vaness, is that you? I'm so glad to see you! I love you." I just want so desperately to say I love you to you and to hug you. I want that so much it hurts everyday. And I can't. And I have to adjust to that.
"Soul hugs." That's what George calls them. I have to get used to giving you "Soul hugs" now. And feeling your "soul hugs". I need to let them in, and feel them down to the bone. But right now I just feel empty. Hurt and empty. I want to feel them. I want to be back in that place I was that first Wednesday, when I had just come from my therapists office. I felt great. I was open. Accepting. But now that I think of it, I must not have been all there. Some part of me had to have been partitioned off...numb and in denial. Because I was handling it so well back then. But now, it's hitting me so much harder. I've had time to miss you and feel it more. Time for it to really sink in, that you are not just around the corner or waiting for me at home. It's not like those times that you went to the hospital but always came home in the end. This time the doctors prognosis actually came true. This time it really was the end. And it hurts so badly. I am so wounded. I'm down. My heart is saying "uncle". "I surrender".
I will rise again. Right now, it just really hurts.
Jodi Arata You're in my heart and I am sending you a "soul hug" right now. Please don't hesitate to call if you need ANYTHING. Even if you just need someone to come buy with a tub of ice cream, I can be that someone.
September 19, 2010 at 9:39pm ·
Vanessa Medina Jodi...I totally will. PS. I like rocky road Häagen-Dazs
September 19, 2010 at 10:39pm ·
Jenny Kaplan OH Girl.....sigh....I SO know what you are feeling...keep letting it out keep processing and keep talking and chanting and feeling and loving yourself...it's all here for you...be open and it will come! xoxo Jen
September 20, 2010 at 3:50am ·
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