Le Petit Pomme De Terre Et De L’Epine

December 30th, 2008; 8:48 PM

Current mood:contemplative

Stuck in a small room today, with a large man -who farted. He didn't say anything. I didn't say anything. I just kept my polished exterior. The veneer was intact. Placid and poised. And I waited. And waited. And waited. And evenutally just breathed subtly out of my mouth while I waited for the scanner to reboot. Yep. I was going to show him how to send a large file and reduce the size so that it would go through. Farting is so much more fun when you can laugh about it. It's downright awkward when you have to be professional (and not laugh.)

----------------------------------------------------------------

Finally got a brusque return call, from someone who waivers between extreme warmth and love and abrupt rudeness and coarse feeling conversation (or lack there of). Yeah. I don't know exactly how to manage this with aplomb. I try. But I fall silent sometimes. Get all shut down. I trample easily. When my spirit needs to be more like a sturdy, thorny, obulae vulgaris. I don't like being treated rudely, and then having the person treat me like *I* am the one who is being lame for calling them on it and asking to be treated with more courtesy in the future. If I was not me, but rather a person playing a game of strategy...I would make this player go play with other people who can play on a higher level. Basically invest in the good and abdicate all attachments and or responsibilities to the bad. Irregardless of the past, love, or loyalty. I would make my player seek out the good. Period.

I have a history (in my recent life -like the last 5 or so years) of having remarkably lamepants New Years...followed shortly by even worse Valentines Day's. And every year, I swear to myself that I will change this losing streak. That I will do something different and rise above the circumstances which make this so difficult. But every year, there are few differences. The only ones I can clearly see...would be that I become more and more numb. That hurtful things hurt less. I get less *emotional*. But at the same time...I get more closed and my standards have admittedly plummeted. I do not expect monkeys to behave like grown men with manners. Or for the familiarity and warmth of my circle to radiate forth from the cold of the Arctic (code for: a man in a "funk") Seeing this change in me...I tend to think that all of that back patting I give myself sometimes for becoming more and more "mature" when dealing with emotional disapointment isn't necisarily a good thing. It's good to not have small things like heartbreak rock your boat. Particularly when compared with more substantial and important things like your mother's mortality...men, are small potatoes then. But it is also true that we "teach people how to treat us", and if I let it be OK-business-as-usual when I am treated poorly; then *I* am the one who is making the standards lower. *I* am the only one in my personal life who raises or lowers the bar. And I chose accordingly the people that I surround myself with. The bar's been on the ground too long. My choices equate to my character, and eventually the life that I live. And I have all the power in the world to make good choices and be happy...if I chose it. So let's get busy.