Sometimes things happen, that are not connected, but initially it's hard to see that. Well..for me anyways. I'd guess that's true for most people too though.
I came home the other day to find that someone had turned over a stack of plastic storage boxes that I had by my front door. Whoever had done it, had also taken the time to move the small bag of potting soil I had -probably contemplating weather or not it was worth taking. They pushed some vases and tiles that I had soaking to clean in one of the plastic boxes, onto the ground. They also turned over a beautifully aged pot that I had with plants in it. They dumped out the dirt, smothering the plants beneath, and took the planter. They also took a shovel while they were at it.
Coming home to this, was kind of a surprise. It felt like such a violation. I thought to myself "What kind of person does this and thinks it's OK?!? I felt like this person could strike again at any moment. I felt unsafe in my home. So much so, that I hid out at my boyfriends house largely for the next few nights. I didn't want to deal with that feeling. So putting some time and distance between me and the event seemed like a good idea. But after a little while, I felt depression creeping in. How strange? I didn't want to go out. I just wanted to curl up on the couch and cuddle with the Cute Boy and the dogs. But then, I went to see my therapist. And she had some very amusing and useful insights that I thought I'd share with you.
Part of the alarming thing to me was the feeling of depression coming over me. It was something that I had dealt with many years ago, and had believed that I had conquered and vanquished from my life. How wrong I was. It had returned with a vengeance. Mainly by making me feel sleepy and constantly hungry too. Nice combo for the love-handles!
Sabrina noted the way I talked about depression. Like it was mine, a thing that belonged to me. An intrinsic part of my nature. Like because at one point in my life I had ever felt it, and admitted to feeling it, that there was now a *seed* of depression planted within my soul and I was now forever marred by it. I would be forevermore someone who struggled with *depression*. I was one of those *depressed people*. "Sign me up for the meds doc, I've got the blues...forever." She actually laughed a bit about it. We both did. She said, I think it would be more useful to think of it like getting the flu or a cold. I would never say. "Well...I had the flu once when I was a teenager. Ya know...typical teen angst flu. And well. I thought it had gone away, but then...I got the flu again. It came back. But it turns out...I had the flu this whole time. I only *thought it was gone*. But it turns out, I'll have this flu for the rest of my life." So that's how I'm trying to look at it. Right now, I'm feeling a bit of depression. But I'm managing it. And I've got a pretty good plan for overcoming it. Bipedal locomotion will be involved. I plan on walking, biking, and swimming a lot. Also seeing my friends and laughing as much as possible. Getting good food and sleep. And also focusing on 3 things that are going to go well today (in the morning)...and visualizing them going well. And then at the end of the day, 3 things that went well and the reasons why. Even looking at depression this way helps. It feels less invisible. Less a part of me. Less entwined with my nature and spirit.
I came home the other day to find that someone had turned over a stack of plastic storage boxes that I had by my front door. Whoever had done it, had also taken the time to move the small bag of potting soil I had -probably contemplating weather or not it was worth taking. They pushed some vases and tiles that I had soaking to clean in one of the plastic boxes, onto the ground. They also turned over a beautifully aged pot that I had with plants in it. They dumped out the dirt, smothering the plants beneath, and took the planter. They also took a shovel while they were at it.
Coming home to this, was kind of a surprise. It felt like such a violation. I thought to myself "What kind of person does this and thinks it's OK?!? I felt like this person could strike again at any moment. I felt unsafe in my home. So much so, that I hid out at my boyfriends house largely for the next few nights. I didn't want to deal with that feeling. So putting some time and distance between me and the event seemed like a good idea. But after a little while, I felt depression creeping in. How strange? I didn't want to go out. I just wanted to curl up on the couch and cuddle with the Cute Boy and the dogs. But then, I went to see my therapist. And she had some very amusing and useful insights that I thought I'd share with you.
Part of the alarming thing to me was the feeling of depression coming over me. It was something that I had dealt with many years ago, and had believed that I had conquered and vanquished from my life. How wrong I was. It had returned with a vengeance. Mainly by making me feel sleepy and constantly hungry too. Nice combo for the love-handles!
Sabrina noted the way I talked about depression. Like it was mine, a thing that belonged to me. An intrinsic part of my nature. Like because at one point in my life I had ever felt it, and admitted to feeling it, that there was now a *seed* of depression planted within my soul and I was now forever marred by it. I would be forevermore someone who struggled with *depression*. I was one of those *depressed people*. "Sign me up for the meds doc, I've got the blues...forever." She actually laughed a bit about it. We both did. She said, I think it would be more useful to think of it like getting the flu or a cold. I would never say. "Well...I had the flu once when I was a teenager. Ya know...typical teen angst flu. And well. I thought it had gone away, but then...I got the flu again. It came back. But it turns out...I had the flu this whole time. I only *thought it was gone*. But it turns out, I'll have this flu for the rest of my life." So that's how I'm trying to look at it. Right now, I'm feeling a bit of depression. But I'm managing it. And I've got a pretty good plan for overcoming it. Bipedal locomotion will be involved. I plan on walking, biking, and swimming a lot. Also seeing my friends and laughing as much as possible. Getting good food and sleep. And also focusing on 3 things that are going to go well today (in the morning)...and visualizing them going well. And then at the end of the day, 3 things that went well and the reasons why. Even looking at depression this way helps. It feels less invisible. Less a part of me. Less entwined with my nature and spirit.
