Aug. 12th, 2009


7:59 PM


Got out of the house. Met up with Sasha and two of her friends at the Wednesday night market. I honestly don't like her two friends, but shrugged it off because I needed to get out and socialize. I wanted to be with people and feel alive. Sasha asked me quietly when Cat and Stephen were getting a deep fried twinkie if I was ok? I smiled and shrugged. Indicating that I was so-so. She knew I wasn't ok. and asked what was up. I didn't want to talk about it because it was the whole reason I was getting out of the house in the first place. Then she told me that she had seen Joshua. She and her boyfriend ran into him at Oliver's. She said it was about two weeks ago. It must have been when he first came into town. I shrugged it off and tried to focus on being at the market. But I just felt like I was about to cry. I didn't want to. So I looked at a few booths trying to shrug off that feeling, but it kept coming up again and again for me. I would push it down, and it would come back up. Finally I just told Sash that I was taking off and hugged her goodbye. I made it all the way back to my car, and almost home before I began to cry at a stoplight. I hate that. I was crying as I came into the house. I washed off a fresh peach and gave it to my mother and gave her some fresh raspberries, and then told her that I needed a moment to myself in my bedroom but that I was going to be allright. I feel horrid. I don't know how to fix this. I am so sad and broken feeling right now. All that I want is for him to be here. I really love him.
Groups:Inner Circle Peeps

Hard

May 9th, 2009; 8:03 PM
Good day went to bad day. This morning, she seemed so clear. It was a good day. So I made a flurry of phone calls to her friends so that they could talk with her. With each person, I saw her eyes light up. She was so happy. And then, this afternoon, she collapsed. I couldn't hold her up. She couldn't even hold her head up. She just kept telling me “I feel sick. I don't feel good. I'm afraid.” Her jaw went slack. It was that same thing, that I had seen before in the beginning. It looks like a stroke, but it's not a stroke. It's developing lesions. And at that moment, something had just happened in her brain. Some connection that was there before, was obliterated. The road through her Tioga pass was blocked. I was afraid she was going to die right there in my arms. “Please help me.” -She just keeps saying that. And I'm trying to. But I can't. I can't stop this from happening. I can't make any sort of a difference. And it hurts so bad. My heart is so broken. I had to pick her up, and drag her to her bed. And then pick her up again to put her Depends on. I thought this weekend would be nice. Relaxing. Good. But it didn't turn out that way. I need:

A miracle cure

If not that...a case of Depends...because we're almost out -AGAIN!

An extra set of sheets for her bed

A functional wheelchair

Dinner

A friend

Love

Sleep

To relax

To laugh

Millie

March 19th, 2009; 6:30 PM


I went over to Millie's today after work. I thought I'd just pop in and say hi. I hadn't seen her an a while, and I always love getting a hug and hello from her. Her son answered the door. He doesn't talk very much. I thought I heard a noise coming from the back, and that paired with his blank stare and silence...to me was totally misunderstood. I *thought* he was trying to say *she's in back*...nope. I was wrong. She moved a week ago to a care facility. I was seriously shocked and also sad. I get it. I really do. I just also always thought that Millie would be there in her house. I love Millie like family. And I was surprised by this. Big time. Her son gave me her new phone number and address. He talked about trying to find a caregiver for her so that she could come back to her house. (I REALLY hope this happens soon!) Millie is a big reason that I love where I live. She makes this neighborhood great. We used to take walks, or go to Community Market together. We used to even walk down to the pub and have dinner and a pint. I really don't like this change. I came home and gave her a call right away. She didn't sound happy to be there. She said that it was breaking her heart to be away from her home. We made plans to see eachother tomorrow after I get off work. I hope she comes home soon. She was the only friend my mom had, who she saw regularly. My mom's been too weak to go visit in the past weeks...But I'm sure when she gets better, she's going to want to walk across the street and go visit Millie. Only she won't be there anymore. This situation is making me cry. Phooey!