Hold My Hand...We'll Get Through This Together.

He told me to hold his hand. "Just hold onto my hand, and relax. Just hold on and breathe and let it pass. This will pass. And you will make it through. Just hold onto my hand." It was the same comforting message that he gave me when I was in the midst of an anxiety attack. When my emotions would well up inside of me and become uncontrollable staccato. Jerky breathing and movements. Unable to get a good gulp of fresh air. I would pinch my eyes shut as tightly as possible and feel his hand in mine and breathe.

It's no wonder that I'm having these feelings so much right now. I am at a precipice in my life. And beyond this point is the unknown of my life. Nothing will ever be the same again. But I'm glad to have someone kind and gentle to remind me that if I just hold on, that this will pass, and I will make it through...and he will hold my hand the whole way. Thank you. I needed that. 

Further Away Into The Blue Sky

Apr. 8th, 2010 at 9:45 PM

Sometimes I get truly tweaked. It's a combination between overburdening stress...levels that are so amazingly high and intense that it actually makes me sad and scared. I have always had a streak of this in my nature. I remember as a young child being freaked out by the immense weight and deafening sound of space and eternity. It sounds so strange to me now. But I vivdly remember being hysterical. Crying. And truly feeling like I could hear eternity. It was a roar that was so loud and deafening that it could drive you crazy. I thought I could hear something that was far out in space, so far away, but so loud to me. I don't know why? As an adult, I would guess that I was having a hard time adjusting to the new living situation with my step-father and step-brothers. Suddenly being thrown into a situation that I had no control over, no vote or say on, and having to just make the best of it weather I liked it or not. My life is a lot like that now. So it's no wonder that these same anxieties are surfacing again. I don't think I can hear eternity now...but that same familiar feeling of stress...that just rises up like an ocean swell and overcomes me is something that I have to deal with. It's so hard taking care of my mom. It's just so hard. And I am so fucking tired all the time. Sometimes my mom fights me too. She hates to have her nails trimmed...and it's so hard cutting someone's nails when they are not letting you. She's strong enough to fight me. Strong enough to hurt me sometimes too. I hurt my back a couple of days ago lifting her. I know she's strong; she's a fighter. And I just wish that she would use that strength to HELP ME, HELP HER. Just help me. Work WITH me and not against me. I tweak out sometimes when I am facing not only the typical day to day challenges (which never get easier)...but also unecissary struggles with her being dificult. Making me hold her whole weight when I know she can help me. I think when things get this hard, I have to be ok with just getting her to bed. Even if it's not perfect. Even if the bed isn't made the way I usually would, or her nails aren't cleaned or trimmed or filed...just get her to bed, make sure she's got a baseline of safety and comfort, tuck her in, and then just take care of me. Take a walk, see a movie, cry, take a shower or a bath, and take a fucking xanax. Fuck. I'll feel better in a little bit. I've taken my anti-anxiety medication. And it's strange. I still feel everything. But it gets a little more fuzzy and numb as it starts to kick in. I care a little bit less about whatever was upsetting me a moment ago. It's like being a passenger in a hot air balloon ride and having it lift off the ground and drift further away from your stress...That's how it feels. Further away.
Groups:Inner Circle Peeps
Mood:  stressed

Aug. 14th, 2009


4:05 PM


I went to see the Doctor. She increased my dosage for my anti-anxiety medication, and also gave me a supplementsl in-case-of-emergency-freak-out medication. I explained that I needed to be functional at work. I hope this helps. I came home to my mom. She needs to take a bath but won't. I told her we could do it tomorrow then. Whatev.
Groups:Inner Circle Peeps