*blackbird*: Christmas

Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Working On It

Friday, December 24, 2010 at 10:21pm

Spoke with George. I'm feeling better. He sent me a Christmas card this year saying that I "was his hero." It totally made me cry because *he* is MY hero. So of course I had to tell him that. It made him happy to hear. He said "Good. We've got that down." Kind of like saying "Hey. Everything between you and me is good. We have an understanding and a solid love and rapport for one another." Now all I have to do is work on my relationship with my mom. George calls it "Studies in the spirituality of love." He says that I can still talk to my mom. And even give her soul hugs. And *get* soul hugs too. I just have to work on developing that connection. And I have my whole life to learn how to do this. So I'm working on it George. And I'm working on it Mom. George says that when I smile, it makes my mom smile too. I feel like there's a lot of truth in that. So I'll work on that too. I don't want to be sad forever. But it's very natural. Right now. This first Christmas. How I'm feeling is very natural. And it will pass. I will get through to the love again. I will feel it again one day. Maybe even tonight? I love you mom. I love you George. I love you friends and family. I love you Cecino (my new puppy). I love you deeply loyal J-Lo (my whippet not the singer). I love you world full of people. Friends that I have yet to meet, I love you even now. Good night world. And a merry Christmas to all.

Christmas Note

Friday, December 24, 2010 at 6:36pm

Dear Mom,

Merry Christmas. I love you. I'm having a hard time getting going right now. Not just today (meaning out the door) but in my whole life. There are people waiting for me: Uncle Edgar, Aunt Marianne, Jenna, Mark, Daniel, Grandmama, maybe even Aunt Eli? Eva, Jon, Amanda, and Ron are also waiting. Thank you for all of the Christmases before this, that you made so wonderful. I really wish you were here. I miss you. My heart is still broken and I feel like I'm going crazy. It hurts so much every day without you. I want to look at those pictures I took on my old phone of two Christmases ago. The ones where you are in bed and I brought in all of those presents. You were so surprised. And so cute. It was the year of slipper socks (but in a good way!) We both love having cozy tootsies. And you hugged my feet and even kissed my tootsies. You loved me so much. I don't have that in my life right now. I have friends and co-workers. And people who *do* love me, but not in that deep amazing mom sort of way. This Christmas, I have been either sad or numb. Or debilitatingly depressed. The worst part is all of this sadness has also made me scattered. I can't even *find* my anti-anxiety medication (which I'm pretty sure would actually help in this situation.) And I'm not motivated enough to call up the Kaiser pharmacy on Christmas Eve to go get a refill. :P I feel like I suck all around. Talk about an unhealthy hate-spiral. My inner-critic is pretty vicious. I'm not functioning well, and I'm not able to say it or get help. I think I'm not supposed to. I think I'm supposed to just go. Do it. Be OK. Even when I'm not. My Christmas present to you this year admittedly sucked. But it was practical. I made another payment on your plot at the cemetery. At this rate, I'll have you buried by June. :p I think that will help me a lot in moving on. I know why you didn't have one. No one expects to die so young. Why would you? You had planned on being here now. Me too. None of this was supposed to happen. This is not how our lives were supposed to turn out. I am devastated by it. I am completely shattered without you. I feel like a ghost. I can't feel the happiness that I used to. When I was dropping my car off at the mechanic and paying for my AAA renewal, I thought of you. These were things that I know you would have liked. Insisted on. I know that no amount was ever spared when it came to my safety. You treasured me even more than I treasured you, which is pretty amazing because I really, really treasured you. I love you BIGTIME! I love you tomorrow. I love you forever. Merry Christmas mom. God I wish I could hug you. Please come to me. Let me know that you are OK somehow. Please give me a sign. I wish I could feel your hug. I wish I could know you were happy. I wish I could know that all of this sadness is just transient and that I will be OK and get through this all. I wish I knew that I would see you again one day, in good time, after living my own life. I love you. I will always love you.

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Judith Menendez Quiroga likes this.
- Ronna Somers Merry Christmas, Vanessa
  December 24, 2010 at 6:53pm ·
- Jodi Arata I love you and I am thinking of you.
  December 24, 2010 at 6:55pm ·
- Perian Sully Awww, honey. You are loved ~hugs~
  December 24, 2010 at 6:56pm ·
- Elizabeth Diane Medina God is with you Princess and Vivian is keeping her lovng eyes on you.
  That recovery takes time, be patient. Vivian was your whole world.
  You need timeto adjust and accept the change.
  Lots of love mija, I will pray for you :-)
  December 24, 2010 at 10:14pm · · 1 person
- Vanessa Medina Thank you Auntie.
  December 24, 2010 at 10:22pm ·
- Mark Christian Medina I love you cousin. I'm crying with you right now. The arms from my heart are around you.
  December 25, 2010 at 7:38am ·
- Cathy Wade Shepard Sending love and light your way, now and always.
  December 25, 2010 at 9:44am · · 1 person
- Jenna Medina I love you Vanessa! Merry Christmas. I will pray for you God is with you!Never forget that!
  December 25, 2010 at 12:00pm · · 1 person

Christmas Ribbon

Tuesday, December 7, 2010 at 10:30pm

I put up the Christmas decorations today at work. As I was opening these boxes from last year, I recognized the purple ribbon from my mothers gifts. I had brought in the remainder of the roll to decorate the tree. It made me think of a conversation I had with Jess once about how the last time you kiss or have sex with your boyfriend/girlfriend...you have no idea (hopefully) that it is the *last* time you will ever do so. Wrapping those gifts in the glittered dove paper with the purple wire ribbon, I had the understanding that it *may* well be the last Christmas to enjoy with my mom. But deep down inside, I never really believed it. I always thought there would be more. More Christmas mornings. More surprises. More of everything wonderful to be shared with her. I miss you mom. Dreadfully.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Dec. 29th, 2009
7:30 AM

I passed out from exaustion last night. Luckily I was on my bed. I woke up surrounded by Christmas presents and gift wrap. I bought my mom some wrist weights and the "Riddick Trilogy". She loves Vin Diesel and I thought she could use a little pick-me-up. Anyhoo...I know it's late, but I was about to wrap her Christmas presents and was thinking about what I was going to make for dinner. And I passed out completely. I just woke up half an hour ago. Took the trash and recycling to the curb. And now feel compelled to tell you all about the strange dream I had...
I was walking in a glass conservatory. Some place large. With high arched ceilings and trees and bamboo stretching to the sky. It was night time. And as I was walking through with my collegues/friends/family these huge owls kept swooping down on me. They liked me. And what they were trying to do was actually land on me. Ideally they wanted to perch on my hand. But I didn't have any gloves on and I knew their tallons would hurt. Finally one managed it, and I held his feet like a farmer would hold a chicken. I tried to hold him down and away from me, but he managed to hold onto me. I even tried shaking him off and throwing him like a discus...but he came back. All the while more were swooping down towards me and following me wherever I went. I could hear the weight of their wings in the air. Feathers and muscles hard at work, pushing against the air. And then the completely divine, predatory silence of when they would simply coast in the air, in the moments before they would swoop down upon their prey.
Groups:Inner Circle Peeps
Mood: hungry

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Side note 82749B

December 26th, 2008; 7:31 PM

Current mood:excited

Oohhh. Countdown to tea begins now! Who knew tea could be such a highly anticipated event? :-)

Christmas was lovely. And relaxing. I still have beignets to make. And my rack of lamb is also waiting. We were so stuffed from our late brunch (dinner time brunch) that we opted to make some chinese dumplings for snacks instead of the full monty. And now...the countdown to high tea is here!

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Side note 82749B

My favorite thing that I got for Christmas was a donation made in my name that will provide $700 worth of goods to needy children in the US. I thought that was pretty awesome! And super generous! Thanks Beth!

Tooth, Blood, Carols, Friends...All within 24 hours

December 23rd, 2008; 11:11 PM

Current mood:adored

Couldn't get my wisdom tooth extracted today. Meh. I have to go to my physician and get the green light first. But in a way...it's all good. I was meaning to go do that anyway. I just never got around to it because it wasn't a really pressing issue. -My blood doesn't clot very well...so I have to go see my doctor and see where we are at with that now. I'm an adult now..and it really hasn't been much of a concern for years. Just minor things here and there...But nothing has sent me to the hospital in ages. Who knew a tooth would make me think about this stuff again?! Meh.

On the bright side: My doctor's really nice. I'll be doing something I should have done a long time ago. I'll be able to eat solid foods at Christmas. And I'll be able to do the full sedation dentistry thing now if I want...now that the time crunch is off. Plus...if by chance...I have been wandering around completely oblivious to the seriousness of my disorder...well then...I'll get the chance to be enlightened about it through adult eyes. Meh.

I also got to see one of my favorite people in the world: Eva. My best friend, soul mate, and the hippest chick I know. Ooh and she has *procreated*! So I got to spend some time with her mini-me too! He daughter is so sweet, and smart, and really compassionate for a 3 year old! Wow. She blew me away. It is so neat to see your best friends have children (Well...not always...but in this case YES!) Eva's such a great mom. And Jon's not too shabby either! It was so much fun. We had dinner, and gabbed. We showed each other our new cars... Eva, Jess, Amanda, Ron, Mishio, and I. It was the stuff that life should be made of! -Camaraderie and love!

Last night was like that too..just with different people. Binky, Lindsay, and Nick showed me their cool new(ish) place. And I had dinner with the EC crew and got to sing carols, warm myself by the fire outside, and gather christmas cookies too! Chritsmas is upon us. I haven't hung the stockings yet. But I am not going to fret. I am chill, zen, and ready to have a good time.

Well Timed Man

December 22nd, 2008; 2:25 AM

Current mood:adored

Beautiful, lovely, dearly beloved Joshua.

Aaahhh. We just got off the phone. He seriously should have been in bed. *I* should have been asleep too! But I am so glad he called when he did. I tell you, that boy has the best timing sometimes! He called me just in the nick of time. We had a great talk, he supported me, he loved me. It was great. And now.. I am going to bed with a smile on my face and the warm feeling of comfort and love in my heart. Christmas is going to be A-OK.