Know When To Hold 'Em, Know When To Fold 'Em: Two Basic Rules For Knowing When It's Time To Let Go

Imagine a color, that you've never seen before. Something new. Something that is not blue, red, orange, yellow, green purple, pink, black, white, brown, or gray. Something else entirely. My mind starts to think of textures when I do this exercise...but remember, you are not thinking of a texture you've never seen before, you are thinking of a *color* that you have never seen before. It's impossible to imagine. But every once in a while I like to try and see what I come up with.

Likewise, trying to imagine a feeling or a way of being, that your parents never taught you is kind of hard and sometimes close to impossible. Sometimes we need help. Another person who can model that behavior, or help teach us how to do things. 

Growing up with a mother who didn't stand up for herself very much, meant that I never really learned how to do it very well. I was always taught to turn the other cheek, and to always work toward peace and an accord. To always be looking for ways to improve a situation. But in some situations, with some people, approaching conflict like that will only lead to more and more conflict. Sometimes, you need to stand up for your right to be treated with kindness and dignity. To honor your basic humanity and self-worth you have to have limits on what you will allow in your life. What kind of treatment is OK, what kind of treatment is not OK (but still a resolvable situation), and when it is healthiest to call it quits and walk away. Kind of like the lyrics to The Gambler said "You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away...and know when to run!" 

To me the rules on when you should simply disengage and walk away are simple: 

1. If further contact is likely to cause harm to yourself, it's time to go. 

2. If you are not dealing with a reasonable and rational person, it's time to go. 

This has been a hard lesson for me to learn in life because I like to imagine that everyone is capable of having a heart-to-heart dialogue and of resolving conflict in life. But the simple truth is we are not all capable of that. And those of us that are, are capable to varying degrees at different times in our lives, depending on what is going on. It's hard to walk away from people or a situation that you may have a personal stake in or emotional investment. But sometimes it is for the best. 

Before we can love others, we have to love ourselves. We have to be good to ourselves and lift ourselves up with words and thoughts of kindness and self-love first. Otherwise we will not have anything genuine to give. You can't give away emotions that you do not possess for yourself. If you've never learned how to love yourself, then authentically loving others especially in the stormy parts of life is infinitely harder.  

Reframing Depression

Sometimes things happen, that are not connected, but initially it's hard to see that. Well..for me anyways. I'd guess that's true for most people too though.

I came home the other day to find that someone had turned over a stack of plastic storage boxes that I had by my front door. Whoever had done it, had also taken the time to move the small bag of potting soil I had -probably contemplating weather or not it was worth taking. They pushed some vases and tiles that I had soaking to clean in one of the plastic boxes, onto the ground. They also turned over a beautifully aged pot that I had with plants in it. They dumped out the dirt, smothering the plants beneath, and took the planter. They also took a shovel while they were at it.

Coming home to this, was kind of a surprise. It felt like such a violation. I thought to myself "What kind of person does this and thinks it's OK?!? I felt like this person could strike again at any moment. I felt unsafe in my home. So much so, that I hid out at my boyfriends house largely for the next few nights. I didn't want to deal with that feeling. So putting some time and distance between me and the event seemed like a good idea. But after a little while, I felt depression creeping in. How strange? I didn't want to go out. I just wanted to curl up on the couch and cuddle with the Cute Boy and the dogs. But then, I went to see my therapist. And she had some very amusing and useful insights that I thought I'd share with you.

Part of the alarming thing to me was the feeling of depression coming over me. It was something that I had dealt with many years ago, and had believed that I had conquered and vanquished from my life. How wrong I was. It had returned with a vengeance. Mainly by making me feel sleepy and constantly hungry too. Nice combo for the love-handles!

Sabrina noted the way I talked about depression. Like it was mine, a thing that belonged to me. An intrinsic part of my nature. Like because at one point in my life I had ever felt it, and admitted to feeling it, that there was now a *seed* of depression planted within my soul and I was now forever marred by it. I would be forevermore someone who struggled with *depression*. I was one of those *depressed people*. "Sign me up for the meds doc, I've got the blues...forever." She actually laughed a bit about it. We both did. She said, I think it would be more useful to think of it like getting the flu or a cold. I would never say. "Well...I had the flu once when I was a teenager. Ya know...typical teen angst flu. And well. I thought it had gone away, but then...I got the flu again. It came back. But it turns out...I had the flu this whole time. I only *thought it was gone*. But it turns out, I'll have this flu for the rest of my life." So that's how I'm trying to look at it. Right now, I'm feeling a bit of depression. But I'm managing it. And I've got a pretty good plan for overcoming it. Bipedal locomotion will be involved. I plan on walking, biking, and swimming a lot. Also seeing my friends and laughing as much as possible. Getting good food and sleep. And also focusing on 3 things that are going to go well today (in the morning)...and visualizing them going well. And then at the end of the day, 3 things that went well and the reasons why. Even looking at depression this way helps. It feels less invisible. Less a part of me. Less entwined with my nature and spirit. 

Hold My Hand...We'll Get Through This Together.

He told me to hold his hand. "Just hold onto my hand, and relax. Just hold on and breathe and let it pass. This will pass. And you will make it through. Just hold onto my hand." It was the same comforting message that he gave me when I was in the midst of an anxiety attack. When my emotions would well up inside of me and become uncontrollable staccato. Jerky breathing and movements. Unable to get a good gulp of fresh air. I would pinch my eyes shut as tightly as possible and feel his hand in mine and breathe.

It's no wonder that I'm having these feelings so much right now. I am at a precipice in my life. And beyond this point is the unknown of my life. Nothing will ever be the same again. But I'm glad to have someone kind and gentle to remind me that if I just hold on, that this will pass, and I will make it through...and he will hold my hand the whole way. Thank you. I needed that. 

Oozing Snot But Still Having a Good Time...So this is what it feels like to be a garden snail?

When I was a teenager, one of my closest friends had a belief (passed down from her mother) that "Whatever you are doing on New Year's Eve, is what you will be doing for the rest of the year." -For me, these words were like a curse. They would propel me into a frenzy of activity and worries, trying to make those few precious hours really count, and somehow be "the best hours of my life" up until that point. Consequently, many NYE's were filled with so much pressure, that it detracted from the fun that I could have been having, had I not felt *obligated* to be having such a good time. Just to be clear, my NYE's weren't that radically different from anyone else's. I would get dressed up, go out, have fun with my friends. We would find fun things to do, sometimes going to parties, sometimes going to big public gatherings of people, or dancing. It was fun. But I still felt the pressure of the curse. I would compare my relatively ordinary life to those of characters in the movies and feel let down. How come, at the stroke of midnight, I wasn't passionately being kissed by the dashing man of my dreams? Where was my Harry (like from "When Harry Met Sally") making his way to wherever I was, crossing the room, just to profess in the most touching way possible his deepest and most ardent affection for me? Compared to that, my life was a let down. I was a 13 year old girl with a lions mane of crimped hair, and slouch socks, eating pizza and staying up late with my girlfriends. When I got older, not much changed, except for the hair and slouch socks. Oh sure the parties changed. Things got a little more grown up. But those cycling feelings of pressure and disappointment followed me into adulthood. 

Sometime around my early twenties is when things finally began to change a little bit. I think it was actually my first laid back NYE since the casting of the curse. I was visiting some friends for Christmas in the Seattle area, and stayed for New Year's. Some time during the visit, a group of us had gone down to the Franklin Covey store to pick up new planners and paper refills for them. I chose the "Seven Habits" planner, modeled after the book. It actually felt luxurious getting that planner. The cover was a nice textured brown leather, something that would wear nicely over time. Somewhere in the paperwork for setting up your planner, was the idea of a mission statement. A personal mission statement to kind of focus and guide your life. Eva and I took our planners down to a local coffee house and sat there, listening to warm, coffeehouse jazz and merrily philosophizing about what we wanted our lives to be like. Who we wanted to be. What we wanted to contribute to the world and how we wanted to connect with others. Then, once our mission statements were done, and our Covey planners were all set up for the upcoming year, we would write out our Buddhist determinations for the upcoming year. -Goals that we were willing to commit to for the next year. For many years after, even when Eva and I were in different states, we would do this tradition. This year, I haven't gotten on it *yet*. But I will. 

This year, I was horribly sick on NYE. And not only was *I* sick...but my fabulous boyfriend had it too! Together, we were a coughing, hacking, fever-ridden, wheezing mess. Snot oozed out of us. Whole boxes of tissues were used up and discarded. I barely ate for a week. We stayed in this year and cuddled and watched movies. The little girl in me, who is still somewhat daunted by the words of my childhood friend, thought "Oh great...so what does this mean? I suppose I'm going to be sick a lot this year. And spend a lot of time at home doing nothing, while every one else is out having fun." But then the adult woman in me told that little girl to calm down because I was actually happy. Even being home sick, I was having a good time with The Cute Boy. It felt like we were doing something delicious, even though we were only hanging out, talking, and laughing, and cuddling. It felt good to just be myself, even a really sick and slightly gross version of myself with bedhead because even in that state, I was having a blast with an awesome guy who loved me and was tender with me. He does things. Little things that my family used to do for me. Like rubbing my back and cooing "sana, sana, sana culita rana" to me. And he got me a washcloth and rinsed it under cold water, rung it out, and brought it to me when my fever was so bad that even my eyeballs felt hot. It may not sound like much, but believe me, it is. And we both feel it -the gratitude of finding and loving someone, who loves us in return, and takes good care of us. We learn and we grow. And I'm trying to outgrow my childhood insecurities and enjoy my life more. It's a process, but it's coming along. More and more, I'm realizing that being successful in life isn't about being perfect. It's about being myself and loving myself with all of my imperfections. It's also about enjoying life, even through the challenges. 

Just Be Yourself

Here's a tip: 

In reality...real people fuck up. 

All. 

The. 

Time. 

And we all know this. Just from our own experiences living life, we know this. So why are we so worried about it? Why get so freaked out when we drop the ball? Or look a little awkward? Or attempt something and fail? Why try to deny the truth, that sometimes we're wrong and make mistakes? Doesn't it seem better to be a little more open and honest with who you are and what you think? Maybe make the daring risk to be wholly yourself, and hope that maybe, just maybe people will like you for who you really are? And that's not to say that people don't employ this kind of mentality in their personal lives. I think many do. But there seems to be a distinct disconnect and compartmentalization of who we are when we enter the work arena, or the dating arena, and church, and who we are when we're more comfortable and either alone or with our best friends. When the stakes are high and the political climate is uncertain, most people pull back and damp down their inner glow and just try to blend in. -Be like everyone else. And I think this is a mistake. I think first and foremost, we should be striving to think for ourselves. Know who we really are and what we personally think and feel. And then to share that wisdom and inner truth with the world. Just let your light shine! 

In my most recent romantic relationship, one of the things that I love most is getting to know my boyfriend better. I had described my feelings relating to this to a friend of mine. It was early on in the relationship, and we had just reached a hallmark moment. I was on my period, and my boyfriend had offered to go to the store to pick up tampons and ice-cream for me. “He had me at tampons and ice-cream” I told my friend. It was so true. Now bear in mind, I was the kind of girl who used to have to go to the store for maxipads and tampons and feel compelled to buy “something else” just to cover up the fact that I was really just there for period supplies because world, yes...I was on my period and was gushing torrents. It was so embarrassing to me that I would try to cover up the big package of Always with *wings*, with a few carrots. I would put the carrots right on top like teen-girl-period-camouflage. 

“You do not see these tampons and maxipads. These aren't the droids you're looking for.” 

Needless to say, my tampon mind  tricks fooled no one. But I guess it made me feel better at the time and a little less embarrassed. When The Cute Boy offered to “man up” and get my “lady supplies” for me, he instantly won about a million kajillion love-points with me. It was a very simple yet loving gesture on his behalf. I went onto described it to my friend like this: “I loved how it was not a big deal to him...and there are so many moments of connection and intimacy. Open conversation. And that beautiful thing...where we explore the world and ideas together through conversation. To share a part of yourself with another human being. To be. To simply strive to be and to keep being -open. A sincere honesty of the soul. Kind of like 'Here we are...two beings in the universe and this is who I am.'” I went onto say that “ I am being so open and honest with MacArthur in large part because I know how honesty is the key to being known. It's prime for connection. Intimacy. True acceptance. Real love. In order to let someone into your heart you have to be honest with them about who you are. What your faults are. What your dreams and goals are. What you're struggling with. And where you are headed in life. I also have learned that it's simply worth it to make that risk...I've come away from the experience firmly knowing in my heart how important honesty is in a friendship and primary relationship. In so many ways...It's also simply good to be authentic because then I have *the chance* to even be loved. To be seen for who I am. And loved for the unique creature that is me. -There's grace in that. True grace in that feeling...of being known and loved.” Sorry if this is repetitive. But for me, I just kept coming back to the same points and it was like a revelation for me. It felt good. I was in an exciting place in my life, filled with soul baring honesty, and with that came a certain amount of vulnerability. I was trusting those around me to be good to me. I was showing my boyfriend my soft underbelly and trusting that he would be gentle and kind. And he was. And he is. And I count myself lucky to be known and loved the way that I am. It feels so good, that it's leaking over into other parts of my life. 

The Perils of Adding Your Boss to Your Facebook

Dec. 27th, 2009 at 1:02 PM



Well...after adding my boss and several other "professional" types to my FB (I know, I know, there are adjustable privacy settings...I just have to get to that -later) I have suddenly felt the urge to write whatever unfiltered thoughts come into my mind. Everything from posting links to instant tattoo eye-brows that don't wash off for days (totally funny to me), a link on "the vamp" dildo (it's white and sparkly for all of you Twilight Edward Cullens fans -also very amusing to me), to my new favorite pasties which were recently procured on a girl-excursion to Good Vibes...I actually want to write a treatise on the merits of pasties. I think that used *properly*, they can actually be a very healthy, sex-positive, I-love-myself-and-ROCK-just-the-way-I-am experience. ...Anyhoo... I just had to share. And clearly...if you can see this note, I thought you were *cool enough* to handle it and laugh with me at these things.
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Mood:unfiltered


Comments



kitty8fish wrote:
Dec. 29th, 2009 01:17 am 
hehehe yes funny indeed!

On Being A Whole Person

Aug. 23rd, 2009 at 12:32 PM



I've been doing a bit of self-exploration this morning, and something that came up for me was this: 
acknowledge that you are a person...a whole person....complete with both good and bad feelings. And not only that...but that in your beautifully imperfect *humanity* that you have made and will make mistakes. Part of being a whole person means that you will do good things and also bad. The more honest I am with myself about my feelings, needs, and impulses, the better chance I have to honor myself, love myself, and also find a healthy way to process those feelings. The alternative is not good. By giving and giving, and repressing my feelings of hurt and anger. Or pretending that I don't even notice when someone treats me in a degrading way, or simply never reciprocates kindnesses, I am not living my life as a "whole person". I am in effect cutting off half of me. Shutting down the side of me that knows that this treatment isn't ok and is pissed off about it. You can do that for a little while, but eventually it will come to a point where those feelings can no longer be contained. And all the while you are twisting your soul. Pretending to be something that is only a half truth and not healthy at all. 

"I'd rather be whole than good." ~Carl Jung

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Comments





kitty8fish wrote:
Aug. 25th, 2009 12:17 am 
YES. Yes to all of this. Cope with your humanity, embrace it even, don't deny it! I love you so very much and there are so many things for us to learn in this world. I wish you luck in your detox! A very accurate way to describe what you're going through! Big big hugs!!!