August 4th, 2009; 7:24 AM
Last nights sleep was very calming and restorative. I strangely kept dreaming/thinking of the term "my wubby". It was like I was wrapped up in my own soothing comfort and love. Tenderness for me. I awoke to realize that it's ok. Everything is ok. I am more than capable of taking care of myself and dealing successfully with this. And in all honesty it will only be a matter of time until I am upgraded in life to a first-class dude. I just have to be smart enough to take the ticket this time and stop flying coach. I can do this. Really I can. I am rising to this challenge and calling off the 24 hour open window. The window to talk is now officially closed. Because I really want someone who deals with things in a calm and open/honest manner. Someone who treats me well and does what they say they will do. And someone who reciprocates my kindness, love, and nurturance. Joshua is not that guy. And it's ok. I will be fine with this. In fact, if I search deep, I can actually start to get excited about this. He is not the one! I don't have to help him, or deal with his psychological issues. I don't have to take care of him or forgive things that are very hard and hurt me deeply. I can actually have a space to feel my true feelings and be pissed off about this. And it's ok. I can also just tell him to go jump in the lake with all of his high-drama bullshit. I don't need it in my life. I am going to be just fine. I don't have to fight my friends to "give him a chance...blablablalbla...he's really a nice guy..bla blablabity bla bla...he just had a rough childhood, which is now impacting his ability to (insert whatever ball he's dropped recently that you feel you need to make an excuse for here)...." Nope! I don't have to do that ever again. He really is broken. And that's OK. I can wish him luck or not...but the most important thing is for me to disentagle myself from him. To stop caring about what he thinks/says (particularly about me and our relationship)/feels and how he represents "the truth". I need to be ok with just not giving a damn about him and his circle of peeps. They can have their rumor/gossip mill if they want to waste their time. And I can just get on with the business of living life. I used to think that it was really important that Joshua understood how much I loved him and that we worked out any misunderstandings or bad communications. But now I see that NO...it really isn't important that he understands any of that. What IS important is that I stop caring about what he gets and what he doesn't. What IS important is that I just cut him off and out of my life. No. I don't want to be "friends." My bar for friendship is much higher actually...and he doesn't even come close to meeting the criteria for friendship. None of my friends would ever treat me this way. Period. Being calming and comforting to myself helped me to realize all of this. I treat myself much better than Joshua ever did or is capable of. And it is prefferable to be alone in my bed (calm, happy, and feeling loved...even if it's only by me!) than to be stressed out with a guy who treats me like shit repeatedly.
Last nights sleep was very calming and restorative. I strangely kept dreaming/thinking of the term "my wubby". It was like I was wrapped up in my own soothing comfort and love. Tenderness for me. I awoke to realize that it's ok. Everything is ok. I am more than capable of taking care of myself and dealing successfully with this. And in all honesty it will only be a matter of time until I am upgraded in life to a first-class dude. I just have to be smart enough to take the ticket this time and stop flying coach. I can do this. Really I can. I am rising to this challenge and calling off the 24 hour open window. The window to talk is now officially closed. Because I really want someone who deals with things in a calm and open/honest manner. Someone who treats me well and does what they say they will do. And someone who reciprocates my kindness, love, and nurturance. Joshua is not that guy. And it's ok. I will be fine with this. In fact, if I search deep, I can actually start to get excited about this. He is not the one! I don't have to help him, or deal with his psychological issues. I don't have to take care of him or forgive things that are very hard and hurt me deeply. I can actually have a space to feel my true feelings and be pissed off about this. And it's ok. I can also just tell him to go jump in the lake with all of his high-drama bullshit. I don't need it in my life. I am going to be just fine. I don't have to fight my friends to "give him a chance...blablablalbla...he's really a nice guy..bla blablabity bla bla...he just had a rough childhood, which is now impacting his ability to (insert whatever ball he's dropped recently that you feel you need to make an excuse for here)...." Nope! I don't have to do that ever again. He really is broken. And that's OK. I can wish him luck or not...but the most important thing is for me to disentagle myself from him. To stop caring about what he thinks/says (particularly about me and our relationship)/feels and how he represents "the truth". I need to be ok with just not giving a damn about him and his circle of peeps. They can have their rumor/gossip mill if they want to waste their time. And I can just get on with the business of living life. I used to think that it was really important that Joshua understood how much I loved him and that we worked out any misunderstandings or bad communications. But now I see that NO...it really isn't important that he understands any of that. What IS important is that I stop caring about what he gets and what he doesn't. What IS important is that I just cut him off and out of my life. No. I don't want to be "friends." My bar for friendship is much higher actually...and he doesn't even come close to meeting the criteria for friendship. None of my friends would ever treat me this way. Period. Being calming and comforting to myself helped me to realize all of this. I treat myself much better than Joshua ever did or is capable of. And it is prefferable to be alone in my bed (calm, happy, and feeling loved...even if it's only by me!) than to be stressed out with a guy who treats me like shit repeatedly.
contemplative