Apr. 4th, 2010
9:26 PM
I think of you more than I should. You're a hard person to stop loving and forget. It's not healthy for me and I know that. I think of you often enough and wish you well. I know that you are living a good life and happy which is what stops me from contacting you. I want you to be happy. And I believe you are with Katy. She is a good match for you and someone who has gotten you to grow in ways that no one else could have. You have had to reach for her and put yourself outside of your past comfort zone in order to be with her, and that's been good for you. I don't think anyone else but her could have inspired that kind of growth in you. No one else could have gotten you to live in San Francisco and make such a break from your friends as you did. You are still friends with them, but in a more healthy and autonomous way. That's a relief to see. I used to honestly hate how inbred and homogonized you and your friends were. It's good to see you stand alone and still be part of the group.
So I'm lost. I still yearn for the day when we will be friends once again. I miss you more than I've missed most people in my life. You were a truly beautiful person to have in my life. And I wish we could talk like we used to. I want more than that. But I'd settle for friendship, if you would be happy. I just cannot settle with absence. My heart cannot settle with that, even though I must. I think that in a few more years you will probably be a person who I will hopefully forget or laugh about how much I really liked you. I hope it becomes funny to me one day. And light. I want it to be lighthearted. But so far, even if I joke about it, in my heart there is a deep sadness over your loss. I really miss you Oshyan.
So far the best two plans I've come up with have been:
1. Forget he ever existed, that you were friends, that you loved him. Just look forward and live with no regrets. Live by the motto "There's no lookin' back!"
and 2. Get your life in order. Become successful. If you really want him be the kind of person who deserves him. Think "Great Gatsby"! Your time will come again. Be patient and don't waste this time in between. This is the time for you to prepare and have adventures. Learn all that you can about love and life. Get some experience under your belt so that the next time around you will know what to do and not mess it up so terribly. Become more at peace within yourself. Learn how to love well. And be loved.
We'll see. I'm probably going to muddle through it and do something in between these things. Or vaccilate between them. Either way, I would never dream of intruding upon you and Katy. That wouldn't be right of me. And I don't want to cause you any more pain than I already have. I hope that you seek me out one day Oshyan. And I hope you remember how close we were and how much I loved you.
Mood:smitten
okay
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