Friday, December 24, 2010 at 6:36pm
Dear Mom,
Merry Christmas. I love you. I'm having a hard time getting going right now. Not just today (meaning out the door) but in my whole life. There are people waiting for me: Uncle Edgar, Aunt Marianne, Jenna, Mark, Daniel, Grandmama, maybe even Aunt Eli? Eva, Jon, Amanda, and Ron are also waiting. Thank you for all of the Christmases before this, that you made so wonderful. I really wish you were here. I miss you. My heart is still broken and I feel like I'm going crazy. It hurts so much every day without you. I want to look at those pictures I took on my old phone of two Christmases ago. The ones where you are in bed and I brought in all of those presents. You were so surprised. And so cute. It was the year of slipper socks (but in a good way!) We both love having cozy tootsies. And you hugged my feet and even kissed my tootsies. You loved me so much. I don't have that in my life right now. I have friends and co-workers. And people who *do* love me, but not in that deep amazing mom sort of way. This Christmas, I have been either sad or numb. Or debilitatingly depressed. The worst part is all of this sadness has also made me scattered. I can't even *find* my anti-anxiety medication (which I'm pretty sure would actually help in this situation.) And I'm not motivated enough to call up the Kaiser pharmacy on Christmas Eve to go get a refill. :P I feel like I suck all around. Talk about an unhealthy hate-spiral. My inner-critic is pretty vicious. I'm not functioning well, and I'm not able to say it or get help. I think I'm not supposed to. I think I'm supposed to just go. Do it. Be OK. Even when I'm not. My Christmas present to you this year admittedly sucked. But it was practical. I made another payment on your plot at the cemetery. At this rate, I'll have you buried by June. :p I think that will help me a lot in moving on. I know why you didn't have one. No one expects to die so young. Why would you? You had planned on being here now. Me too. None of this was supposed to happen. This is not how our lives were supposed to turn out. I am devastated by it. I am completely shattered without you. I feel like a ghost. I can't feel the happiness that I used to. When I was dropping my car off at the mechanic and paying for my AAA renewal, I thought of you. These were things that I know you would have liked. Insisted on. I know that no amount was ever spared when it came to my safety. You treasured me even more than I treasured you, which is pretty amazing because I really, really treasured you. I love you BIGTIME! I love you tomorrow. I love you forever. Merry Christmas mom. God I wish I could hug you. Please come to me. Let me know that you are OK somehow. Please give me a sign. I wish I could feel your hug. I wish I could know you were happy. I wish I could know that all of this sadness is just transient and that I will be OK and get through this all. I wish I knew that I would see you again one day, in good time, after living my own life. I love you. I will always love you.
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