Jun. 1st, 2009 at 3:19 AM
You really broke my heart. I feel totally out of control. I know what I should want. I know how I should behave. I know how I should feel and what is logical. I know what I would tell someone else in my situation. I also know from a strategy point, what is the best course of action. But I cannot stop myself. I just can't. Even with medication, I can't. I wish I had more control over myself. I wish I could stop and just be good to myself. I just feel inexplicably drawn to you. Where ever you are is where I want to be. I love you. I want you by my side every night. I want to share everything wonderful with you and love you deeply forever. I want to feel what it is like to be included and held by you. To have you be good to me. But that just isn't going to happen. Or rather, it isn't going to happen in a reliable and consistent way. There will always be some sort of painful pulling back of you from me. There will always be the mean-spirited child inside of you that doesn't want to invite me to your birthday party but does want me to invite you to mine. Or the selfish child that just want his way all of the time, with no regard for the feelings or lives of others. I cannot win in this situation. To continue on would be tantamount to me electing to live a life of pain and sorrow. To put myself through vouluntary pain. And I (with the exception of you) am no wrist-cutter. I need to end this exception. It is very bad for me. I have honestly used you as a distraction from the pain of losing my mother to her illness. Only a more vicious and shocking pain could compete with her loss. I've thought long and hard about it, and that is the only logical reason that I can find, as to why I would keep loving you and keep you around in my life after all that you have done to me. -You have served a purpose. But it is so bad for me. It is killing my spirit every day that I continue on this way. And I am poisoning my ideas of what love really is and feels like. Before you, I had never known the pain of a broken-heart. I was unafraid and loved freely, deeply, and without restraint. And you basked in that love. You soaked it in and felt adored. But unlike me, you were not able to love like that. Your love was filled with pain, and fear. Scorekeeping and grudge-matches. Your kind of love was all about evening the score and punishing those that you felt had wronged you. You were selfish and cruel with me. Unfair, and deeply hurtful. I have learned all about untrustworthines, and deciet from you. I have learned about holding back the good stuff, and how some people can sadistically trickle out just enough love for their partner to subsist and stay, but never feel drenched in it. Never feel completely content and safe in that love. And yet, I still adore you. Worship at your temple. Want you so badly that my heart aches. I have to stop myself. I'm going to process this out of my system. Weather I like it or not. I have to find a way to fall out of love with you. I miss you so much. And you never responded to my letters like you said you would. When we spoke in person, you still said you were planning on it, but it's been a month now. You responded that you didn't put a date on it. And my heart broke again at your callousness. You are so sadistic and hurful. Anything that you can do to keep drawing out the pain, is what you do. And I have to just say no. I realize now, that I will never be loved by you the way that I want to be loved. The way that I deserve to be treated. I will also never get the closure I seek from you. Because as long as you have the power, you will not let me have closure. You will keep me drawn in as your adoring fan. As your constant soft place to land. As your love when you need it. Basically as the ego boost/back up plan. But I do not want to be anyone's emergency back up plan. I want to be first. I want to be chosen. I want someone who wants me in their life so much that they would do anything to make sure that I felt loved, supported, appreciated, and secure. I want someone who is my friend and partner. Who is honest and trustworthy. Who is forgiving and focuses more on what is trying to be conveyed and the heart of the matter instead of the minute details of technicalities and "no, no, no, you said this!" I want someone who cares about my feelings deeply and in a way where his actions demonstrate that care and love. Who doesn't do things like cheat on me, steal, and lie. Someone who maybe even had a happy childhood, and perhaps even loves his mama. That would be nice. I want someone who doesn't yell all of the time. Who listens to me. Who doesn't push me so far that I finally crack and scream out what I've been holding in and trying to quash with forgiveness, patience, compassion, and endless second-chances. I don't usually scream. I don't actually lose my cool *that much*. But with you, it's a whole other story. I find myself regularly feeling livid. Feeling like shit. Feeling so much pain that I feel the tears welling up and wishing that a broken heart could just kill me. To be out of pain. To find peace. I wish so many things in such divergent directions. I wish I was with you right now, being loved by you and held by you. Holding you in return. I want you here with me. I also wish I had never met you. Never loved you. Never felt such unspeakable lows and disgrace as I have felt with you. I hate myself for not being able to switch it off.
Groups:Inner Circle Peeps
discontent