I'm not feeling well mentally and emotionally. I woke up stressed out today. And I felt like I truly needed to take some time off of work just to be home and get it together. Perhaps go see my doctor and get my anti-anxiety medication altered. But then I thought about all of the stuff at work that needed to get done, and how I don't want to be considered *flaky* or *unreliable* and I decided that I *had to* go in today. I looked around at my life and realized that I was no longer a kid. There was no one there to shelter me or protect me when I felt broken and vulnerable. When I was younger, it would have been my mom. I could have let it all fall apart and she would be there for me. She would say something like "You are the most important thing here. They will understand. Call in, take some time off, and go see your doctor. It will all be alright, you'll see." And it would. I would feel better just knowing that she was there. But now, I feel like I have to suck it up and push through it because I need my job. I need to provide stability for my family. And when I have time, I can fall to pieces. So I better get through the work week and do it on my own time on the weekend. I hate feeling like this. I wish I had one week off of work to sleep and be depressed. To hibernate in my bed and forget all of my stress. To cuddle up with my mom in her bed and just pretend that she is well. I wish I had another week after that to clean my house and get my life in order after I recharge my battery with a week of hibernation. So far, it looks like I have an hour before work, and I need to spend half of that time with my mother. I can do this. I need to do this. I am calling my doctor.
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