Thinking More About Stuff....

Aug. 13th, 2009 at 11:57 PM

I went for a late-night ride. It felt great! I had a wonderful time. It's late at night so I'm feeling a little abandoned right now. I still wish he was here. I have to think about all of the reasons why this is a good thing. 


1. He doesn't love me &  I want to be loved...and if he's not going to do it, then it's best that he clear the way so that someone else can. My heart has been on reserve for him. Truthfully it still is, but after this break up stands long enough, I know that feeling will lessen. And eventually, I will be free to love again. I think/I hope/I wish. My mom says that he loves me, and who knows? Maybe, in his own fucked up way he does? But I'm talking about real love. The kind that is gentle, and obvious. The kind that is strong enough and courageous enough to weather any storm. The kind that keeps loving even after it's been hurt. The kind that heals and gets stronger and better with time. The kind that never loses it's ability to reconnect with it's mate. I want that. And he doesn't have it. For anyone. Not just me. 


2. He hates his parents. In particular, he hates his mother. This is a really bad modeling structure that he's had for primary relationships. I want a guy who hopefully likes his parents and even LOVES? his mama? That would be sweet!


3. He slept with another woman. 


4. After we got back together I wouldn't have sex with him without a condom and he had the nerve to get pissy with me and grumpy. 


5. So yeah...I tried to make a joke that wasn't funny. I'm sorry. I take it back. I think we all know that it was just a joke. For anyone who knows me at all...knows that how I handle serous conversations, is usually with a joke. It doesn't make me a bad person, or a threat to society. Anyhow. I'm sorry about that. Yeah. But for him to manipulate the situation and make it into this big thing when it was just a joke...well it just adds insult to injury. 


6. My friends don't like him.


7. My therapist has told me that he has at least 8 identifiable mental disorders. 


8. He himself has told me that he suffers from Manic Depression and his father told me he was diagnosed with Dissociative Disorder. 


9. He is currently in a major depression. 


10. He's unemployed.


11. He smokes


12. Let's face it...he's stinky. He has some hygine issues -still. It's gotten much better since he's been dating you...but let's face it, with every improvement, came a bit of hurt, anger, and resentment from him. In the end, it felt like I was "Mean-Mommy" making him do things like: shower, wash his armpits with soap (twice if need be), and oh...brush his teeth after his cigarettes and before he came to bed. Put on clean clothes. Yeah. So I don't want that dynamic. And I guess it would be asking a bit much for him to notice that I've helped him improve and also be grateful. Yeah. That's just not going to happen. He felt rejected by me and acted like a punky little kid...like what I'd imagine a stinky 8 year old Joshua would be like. I don't want a stinky boyfriend, and I don't really want anyone who would be resentful of me either. 


13. He was a great lover often, but also all too often would finish and then go to sleep leaving me to finish myself. Lame. I want a guy who won't stop until the job is done, and we are BOTH satisfied. 'Nuf said. 


14. His friends hate me. 


15. His family hates me. 


16. The reason they hate me probably has a lot to do with him and how he's represented things. He never went to bat for me. He also never told the complete honest truth to them, which would have included how he's treated me. Even if he never told them anything bad...he's also never told them anything good either. It was never apparent to them that he loved me and that we were a team. Early on April got it in her head that she could be rude to me and treat me however she wanted because I was not sticking around. In the end, it turns out she was right. He never went to bat for me with her and told her to just stop it. That he loved me, and he wanted her to just grow up and work it out. 


17. He takes but doesn't give. 


18. He quckly resorts to anger and yelling. 


19. He holds a grudge longer than anyone I've ever known. 


20. He called Alison (the girl he slept with this winter) "a fucking bitch" repeatedly to me. I don't know her. I don't want to know her. I don't like her. But even then...for all I know she could be a perfectly nice person (after all, I am?). And on that note, when he does that, I don't think that she's a fucking bitch...what comes across to me is that for all I know, this is how he talks about me to his friends when I'm not around. For all I know, he's painted me as a "fucking bitch" or a "crazy bitch" or a "psycho bitch"...insert any derrogatory cliche statement that men make about women followed by the word "bitch", and it seems possible that  he's said it about me. (Well not really..but you get the idea...by him putting her down, it just tells me about HIS character, not hers. Which then leads me to wonder how he's spoken about me, particularly in his less than happy moments with me.) It doesn't give me a sense of love and stability. Which is what I want in a relationship. I want to be loved. I want to be respected. I ALSO want to have room to have my feelings and be angry sometimes...especially if he does something that isn't nice. I should be able to be angry about it and not be marginalized as a fucking bitch. My feelings should be heard and cared about. And he should want to TALK. And work things out. Joshua doesn't work this way unless it's convenient and easy. Only when he needs something does he do that. It's hard for me to put a finger on it...but that last sentence was getting closer...I think what I want is a man who will want to talk and work things out even when it's hard, and he doesn't necisarily "have to"...not because he stands to gain something...I want a guy who can stand alone, so that for him to want to come and talk with me really is optional, and for him to do it, is because he really wants to and he really wants me. Because he loves me. 


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Comments



witty_banter wrote:
Aug. 16th, 2009 05:34 am 
Wow, I had no idea you had posted so many LJ entries recently! Let alone so many reflective and wise ones. 


This is a good exercise for you -- maybe it would even help to write down the things you do like? For a balance? I don't know.


I definitely DO agree with your doctor on the at least 8 identifiable mental disorders... 


Anyway -- this reveals a lot about the depth of love you have for yourself, despite everything, and that's the most important thing for a girl to have.





vanmedi wrote:
Aug. 16th, 2009 08:36 am 
Thanks. At first I was a little afraid that people would think that I had gone off the deep end. But then I was like "no no...I have to work this out with myself and process my feelings...and reflect on the situation." And writing just seemed to be one of the best ways to do that, especially since it was always readily available to me no matter what time of night it was. :-)