This year, so much has changed. Long-held ideas of who we are, are shifting. Outdated *scripts* have to be rethought. We are still friends. But things that have held uncomfortably for years are changing and falling away. We are all faced with challenges. -Isn't everyone? For the most part, I have been rising and meeting mine; and enjoying life, despite the unavoidable seriousness of my mothers illness. My house is still a mess...but oh well...When I die, my headstone will have more interesting things on it than: "...And she kept a clean house. The end." And I am always challenging my obstacles. Trying to find a way over, under, or around them. Or charging them head on.
One of us couldn't make it last night, so we shall all regroup in several weeks. The 3rd musketeer and I had dinner. Everything was going well. But I could tell she was bull-shitting me. I hate that feeling. I am intrigued, I want to get to the bottom of it, and I am also impatient and annoyed that someone so close feels the need to pretend. She has 2 things she does when she is BS'ing me: 1. She says "You betcha!" and 2. She says "Mmmmmhhhhhmmmmmm" in a long drawn-out sing-songy fashion. When she does that, I feel like I am playing a game of poker with someone who is very very bad at the game. And I instinctively furl up my brow and raise one eye-brow. I am wondering how long it will take her to understand that I have been onto these cues for ages, and that she should just be honest in the future. There is no need to hide or pretend. Our friendhsip has extended over great distance and time, and these charades are not befitting of our tenure. But there are things that I do not say too. That are directly related to the things that she does not say. I want to break this mold. And just bust out with the most inappropriate things. I want to say "Your husband's an ass! Truly an ass! I don't know why you are wasting your time on such a degrading person. He pulls you down. You surround yourself with *his* friends, convincing yourself that you are winning the war because *they like you better than him*...but guess what...you're not winning anything...because they are all jack-asses too! Why surround yourself with people like that? Low quality, animalistic, degrading, and base people? He's convinced you to see the world the way he does...in the same fucked up way he does. Convinced you that the things he thinks are wrong with you, are wrong with you, and that you should go along with his agenda. But honey, to swallow those lies...those self-hating-lies is killing you. You don't shine the way you used to. And I don't like being around you the way you are right now. He's isolating you so that he has more psycological control over you. And getting you to think that it's healthy and your idea. But these are the exact same things that you swore you would never do again when you seperated, and now that you are back together you are doing them all over again. Falling into the same traps and lies. And I hate to see that. I cannot abide by you lying to my face about it either. The only person in this room you are fooling is yourself." ...but of course that wouldn't be polite dinner conversation. I'll wait for the right moment. These words will be said. Perhaps in a more open and loving way. But the time will come, or the friendship will end. I just can't stand any more bullshit.
- Groups:Inner Circle Peeps
- Mood:
annoyed
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