Encouragement

February 5th, 2009; 8:47AM
Life for everyone is a struggle against the sufferings of birth, old age, sickness and death. Happiness is not the absence of problems or worries; it is to be undefeated no matter what problems or worries we may face. And this happiness is not solely focused on oneself. Truly happy are those who can help others become happy. 

~Daisaku Ikeda

Let's Start From Here...

Aug. 26th, 2009 at 10:57 PM



"Let's start from here, and go with what we've got." My mother said. I was hugging her crying. I just wish that she was well. I was kissing her good night and telling her that I loved her, when I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. 
"You're sad. You're scared." She said. 


"Yes." I sobbed. "I'm both. I just wish you were ok."


"I'm ok." She said. "You're afraid that I'm going to die." She hadn't been this clear in ages. 


"Promise me, that you're not going anywhere. You're not going to die. You're going to live forever, right?"


"I'll do my best." 


Even now, my mom is so honest. She cannot bring herself to lie to me, even when I'm being unreasonable and upset. I love her. She is one of the most noble and loving people that I know. I think about how smart she was to say I wish I was better too. I wish I could wake up and just be better. Like magic. But let's start from here, and go with what we've got. -Basically: let's accept reality for what it is, and do the very best we can in this situation. Still love. Still continue on. Still be happy.
Groups:Inner Circle Peeps


Comments



kitty8fish wrote:
Aug. 27th, 2009 09:23 pm 
I can see where you get your wonderful soul and spirit from. Your mother is truly an amazing individual, so loving and caring and very noble. You are so blessed to have such an amazing mom. I wish there was not this tragedy going on right now, but I really liked what she said about "let's start from here, and go with what we've got." I am giving you so so so much love and so so so much love to your mom, too. Take care of each other as best you can. Big big hugs, love.

Momavarious And Dylan

April 27th, 2009; 4:16 PM
I'm listening to Bob Dylan with my Momavarious. She sat up to hear it. At one point, she started singing "Blowing in the Wind". I remember this song from my childhood. My mom has always loved Dylan. I used to hate him with a passion as a kid. But I've grown into it. I love his lyrics, his simple and beautiful acoustic style...and the echoing message of peace. When I was a kid, my mom would play his records for me. At one point, in third grade she had me learn how to play "Blowing in the Wind" on my flute. Hahaha. I'm glad that she cared so much about teaching me about peace, even if I was not an eager student sometimes. (Dylan had a hard time contending with Rambo and the cold war, in the 80's...what can I say? I had older brothers who had more influence then.)
My mom used to say that "Some people mistake kindness for weakness." It was a common phrase for her. What she meant by it, was that in the world, the truly strong people are those who can live with a stand-alone-spirit, and kindness. That it takes more strenght to be open, kind, and loving; than it does to crush, mock, and destroy. She always placed more value on those who were loving and kind, than those who were cynical, or wielded power without compassion for others.

Let It Go

April 27th, 2009; 3:08 PM

Current mood:blah

I'm having a hard time today. I want to be at work. I want my mom to be feeling better than she is, and able to go to the bathroom on her own. I also want to clip her nails and cut her hair (but she won't let me).

This morning, I tried to do my morning ritual, where I think about all of the people I love and how that makes me feel, then I think about all of the people that love me and how that makes me feel, then I imagine my life as I would like it to be and really feel that feeling then go. Usually I hop out of bed with eagerness and that Christmas morning feeling...but this morning my mind kept getting hung up. I couldn't focus. When I thought of the people that I loved, they seemed so distant, like faded memories, or imaginary friends. Something not real. Something that maybe once was, but was no longer current. And when I thought of the people who loved me, I just felt so empty. Like maybe there's someone out there that loves me? I'm not sure? I kept thinking that all of the people who really loved me deeply are either dead, or dying. Or if there is love, that it is shallow and pale. (Basically, I was feeling down.) It was hard to rally. I kept trying again and again, telling myself that I was not going to get up until I could get it right. Until I could get my head straight. I kept trying to force myself to envision my life in a great way. A positive outcome. Something wonderful and filled with safety, abundance, laughter, levity, joy, friends, family, my mom being well and happy. I just couldn't do it. It felt so fake. I kept thinking about my father (a man that I almost NEVER think about, except in times like these.) Unfortunately, when things are hard, somewhere deep inside of me is a persistent reminder, that my father is not here. That he never was here for me. That he is out there somewhere, living the lifestyle of an aging playboy/B-rate James Bond/Rockstar. A self centered, yet lavish and wonderful life. He's got the car, the boat, the plane, the penthouse, and endless nights out on the town, with countless women. He has the freedom to travel, and does often. And he feels no attachment or obligation to me. He does not really care about me. For the most part, I am ok and do not think about this. "So what" is my predominant attitude with regard to Edward. But I do feel cheated. Shortchanged. And I'll admit it, bitter. He should have been a better husband to my mother, a better son to my grandmama, a better brother to my Uncle Edgar, and a much better father to me. And I have to let it go and move on. I have before. I will again now. I have to stop thinking poisonous thoughts about why he never really loved me or has ever come to my rescue. I have to let that go for my happiness. And honestly, just say, SO WHAT! He's never shown up. It's not his style. That's ok. You are going to be just fine. You've never had him to help shelter you from day one, so who cares now? It's not like you are missing anything that you have ever become accustomed to. Think of the plus side? -You are much stronger BECAUSE he was never there. You have developed fortitude and the ability to overcome obstacles because you have had to. This is a blessing. It is a strength. And of course when you are in the process of learning new things and developing those strengths, it will not always be easy...in fact almost by definition, it will be hard...whenever you are stretching and growing, things are hard until you have mastered your new skill...so feel good about all of this challenge...feel proud and exceptional! You are growing! Tomorow you will be tougher and stronger than you are today. And one day, you will look back on all of this, with more wisdom and understanding than you have today. One day, you will be grateful for all of these life lessons.

Push

April 21st, 2009; 3:20 PM
I live to check the possibilities, 
to stretch, to grow, 
to do the unthinkable, 
to be something 
wild, 
and new, 
and different, 
than I was a moment before.

How it Came to be, That She Was Known as "La Suprema"

Saturday, April 18, 2009 at 12:16pm

Something big is happening. It's hard, and scary, but I think we're doing ok. Through it all, we are very loving and gentle. George was the best support (as always). He always finds the right words of encouragement. He told me the story of how my mother came to be called "La Suprema". Apparently he and my mom were eating out, they were having Mexican food. And this one particular place has a hot sauce that my mom LOVES. They serve it up in little plastic cups that look a lot like shot glasses. Usually a person might get one or two...but my mom will get one extra, just to drink. -But George couldn't eat it; it was too hot for him. He had to get up and get something to wash it down because it was so hot it was painful. And when he came back to the table, my mom gave him this little squint of dissidence, and then grabbed his cup of hot sauce, and just downed it like a shot. After that, George called her La Suprema. It's a term of endearment, that we still call her by. My mom's tough. George knows it. I know it. I hope her doctors know it too. We are not ready to resign hope. Palliative care. -I love the compassionate and loving aspect of this...but we are not ready to embrace the giving-up-of-hope part of it. -Ever.

I had lunch with my mom yesterday. I bought us both ice cream bars. Because one should always have Häagen-Dazs on hand for things such as: emergency situations, The Spanish Inquisition, or just when you feel like *kicking it* with someone you love.

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  Skye Segale likes this.
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    Joelle Goncalves Very touching. I am sending loving Daimoku you you & your mom, VanMedi.
    

    April 18, 2009 at 5:41pm · 
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    Leslie LCreezy Crebassa You are tough, too. Both of you are so very brave. La Suprema's hair is getting very long!! She looks beautiful. You both have my support and I am glad she is responding well to her treatment. I love you! Hugs!!
    

    April 19, 2009 at 11:27am · 
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    Jodi Arata ‎::lovehug::
    

    April 20, 2009 at 2:43am · 
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    Vanessa Medina Lovehug to you too Jodi! I love you too Leslie, and Joelle.
    

    April 20, 2009 at 10:45pm · 

The Eight Winds

January 28th, 2009; 8:37 PM

Current mood:aroused

Worthy persons deserve to be called so 

because they are not carried away 
by the eight winds: 

prosperity, decline, disgrace, honor, praise, censure, suffering, and pleasure. 

They are neither elated by prosperity 

nor grieved by decline.

Cool stuff I learned today:

July 25th, 2008; 12:38 AM

Current mood:sleepy

We are all infinitely gifted. And there is nothing we can do to diminish or enhance that. We just are. We are unmeasurably important and special. And the thing is we are all connected.

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Causes that we have made in the past are why we are surrounded by what is in our lives today. Those are the effects of the causes we have made. But no effect is permanent. The causes that we make today will lead to what we have tomorrow. This is so freeing to me. It means that life is what it is because we have made it such. And that fundamentally it really doens't matter what problems I am faced with, what is important is how I handle them...what causes I make for myself. This gives me a sense of empowerment. And hope. Hope is a cause set in motion. As is love. We don't have to be loved to give love. And I can't help but think that this opennes and giving spirit does in some way reverberate throughout the universe that we live in, and helps us all be a little more connected and loved as a whole.

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and last but not least...Tim made me laugh. He said I was a "human among monkeys". :-)

Frustration...I never knew that being *pissy* could be catching.

• Jul. 1st, 2007 at 1:35 AM

Really now. I sometimes find myself wondering *WHY* I even attempt to be friends with Joshua. He has a long standing history of *not* coming correct. He doesn't just do this with me, he does this with his so called best friends, his father, his work (previously), his "guild" (total dork!), and pretty much anyone he comes into contact with given enough time and experience. I know we all have moments like this. I do too. It is a fact unfortunately, that if you know me and are my friend long enough, I will eventually do something inconsiderate. I never have the intention of hurting peoples feelings..and I usually make good on the things that I do wrong. I think mistakes are all just a part of being human. So..with the occasional mistake, I am more than understanding and forgiving because I do it too. But with Joshua..geeze...It's more like a deep seeded psychological problem. He is destructive to himself. It's almost a compliment to have him *not* see what a cool person I am and how lucky he is to have me as a friend. So much of the time he isolates himself and when he does surround himself..it's with people who look the other way while he self destructs. -Not exactly good friends in my book. One particular person...his current and longtime best friend (who happens to be a girl who has had the most enourmous crush on him since like FOREVER and was a total thorn in my side throughout my 3 and a half year relationship!), is actually "KNOWN" for how awkward and unsociable she is. In some ways she promotes and relishes in this identity. Her tag on myspace is something like "Grumpy". And she's always saying things like: "I'm grumpy. ...I'm in a bad mood today. ...I'm in a "funk". ...It's grump day." Well Woo fucking Hoo! Who wants to even be around people like that?! -I don't. But for Joshua...people like that are like home. I think it's a sickness really. Those are not the *uplifting* sorts that I would want to foster deep and lasting friendships with...but hey...that's just me...and that's just my preference. *sigh* I don't know! I am definitely "challenging my Buddha-nature" here folks. But beyond spirituality and trying to overcome obstacles..particularly with regards to my relationship with Joshua...(I only want a friendship)...I have my "rational side". The thinker in me...who says things like: "Fuck friendship! Fuck Buddha-nature! This DOUCHE doesn't deserve you in ANY WAY. He didn't love you and cherish you as a girlfriend. And he doesn't cherish you as a friend. He really isn't the kind of person you would even want to be friends with if you met him today and had no prior history...He's opinionated but ignorant..(a very bad combination). His friends are about as friendly and cheerful as the black plague. WHY even try?! Is my *trying* my own sickness?? -Perhaps.

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• Mood:  annoyed

So *You Said* You Wanted A Samurai Spirit...Now Prove It!

June 22nd, 2007; 5:19 AM

Current mood:sleepy

I am off to the hospital this morning with my mom. She apparently had some lab results that came back abnormal. So we're going in for more tests. This is such a challenge to my determination to have a calm and unwaivering spirit. I vowed to myself that this was the year that I was going to really manifest my samurai spirit. -What that means is basically when the chips are down I am not going to run around like a chicken with it's head cut off. I want to be calm and steady. To be courageous no matter what. And to have a deep resove to be happy despite my life challenges. Yay! This is my training ground. It's my opportunity to master this life skill. OK life...all I can say is: "Bring it!"

Attitude

May 12th, 2007; 5:51 PM

Current mood:content

I want you to understand the subtle workings of the mind. How you orient your mind, the kind of attitude you take, greatly influences both you yourself and your environment. The Buddhist principle of a single life-moment encompassing 3,000 realms completely elucidates the true aspect of life's inner workings. Through the power of strong inner resolve, we can transform ourselves, those around us and the land in which we live.

Protagonist

May 4th, 2007; 10:51 AM

Current mood:pleased

"Even in times of hardship, the important thing is for each of us to determine that we are the star, protagonist and hero of our lives and keep moving forward."

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I just had to save this quote...It's by my sensei, Daisaku Ikeda. It really resonates with me because...this is something that I have actually thought long before  I ever read this quote. I have thought about narrative story telling (from film school), and how there are plot points and twists and how every good story has something that the hero has to overcome...otherwise frankly...it's boring. Who wants to see a movie or read a story about about a happy person that nothing ever happen to? (Bo-ring.) ...I've thought this many a time..in the midst of my darkest moments...I've thought what if...this is just the begining of a heros tale? The begining of a heros tale is always dark or sad...there is always some loss...or tragedy...or a quest. Something is always an obstacle...until the end of the story..where it is overcome...despite the odds. It is such a funny thought...that we are all heros in our own lives..we are all the protagonist...we are all shining stars.

Teacher's Prayer

April 30th, 2007; 7:20 AM

Current mood:calm

I just thought this was beautiful and I had to pass it on.

Nobel laureate Gabriela Mistral (1889-1957) of Chile, was well respected as a humanistic educator. Indicative of the great spirit of compassion and caring with which she interacted with her students is her "Teacher's Prayer": "Let me be more mother than the mother herself in my love and defense of the child who is not flesh of my flesh. Help me to make one of my children my most perfect poem and leave within him or her my most melodious melody from that day when my own lips no longer sing." With this same spirit, let us care for and nurture young people. ~Daisaku Ikeda

I Am Your Mother, Your Father, Your Son, And Your Daughter.

April 23rd, 2007; 2:27 AM

Current mood:thoughtful

So...arghghgghgg! My my spell check program is having "issues"...therefore, you will be subject to the myriad assortment of "creative" spellings that my oh so creative mind can come up with. Yay! Good for you! This makes me think of an English teacher I had in college...who told me how intelligent I was...however, she reprimanded me (brutally) for my horrible spelling. She scarred me just enough to benefit me...I never turn in a paper without running it through spell check now. I remember how she said it was "embarassing for her to read my misspelled words"...a thought that comes back to me sometimes when I read other peoples blogs who have the same problem with spelling that I do. :-D Oh well...Misspellers of the Universe UNITE! Together, we shall overthrow this oppressive fashionist (haaaha -that one was on purpose!) regieme!

So...on to the real point! I was noticing that someone came through and read a bunch of my blogs and I was wondering what it looked like to them. A blog is a very interesting thing. It captures a moment of authenticity in a persons life, however because we don't solely exist here on the internet...when I am done writing my thoughts here...I venture forth into the "real world" and stuff happens there that isn't captured in my blog. So...in essence, even though those snap shots of life are true...they are not the whole truth. I was reading something on a friends site...and she said a bunch of things which were true about her in the "about me" category...but she finished with saying that: "If you think you know all about me now, you don't. This is only maybe 4% of me." And it's true. About all of us. Even by the time I finish writing this, I will have changed. Perhaps not the major human revolution that I am constantly striving toward...but why not? In Buddhist philosophy, the Dragon King's Daughter...the Dragon Girl (a demon) achieved enlightenment within a moment. She was being told how she couldn't do it...(I mean think of it...she's a demon, and a girl! -Not exactly the picture perfect makings of a Buddha....but she was.) And she said that by the time that sentence was through...she would have already proven them wrong by reaching her enlightenment...and that is exactly what she did.

Anyhoo...my hope is that I will make a signifigant and truly substantive change in my life in this respect: I want to make a paradigm shift in how I regard others. I want to be more in touch with the ideas of my sensei...He said something about how all of us at one time or another, existed in a life where we were connected as family. That the people that you see around you in a past lifetime were your children and you were thiers. They were your father and your mother...and you were thiers. It's a different world when I see people that way. I have a deeper sense of compassion and love and connection when I think of us all as being connected in one big cosmic family. Hippy-dippy I know...Don't shoot me...I'm waxing poetic here! ;-) ...and no...to my uber-Christian brothers and sisters...I have not joined a cult..Buddhism is a "real" religion. ...and to my Agnostic, Atheist, and other snickering folk out there...even if it's not true...the stuff about reincarnation and us all being family...isn't it a more usefull/humanistic way of regarding one another VS. thinking that we are all alone in this universe.

The way that this relates to my blog is...that I was reviewing it..and I noticed  something strange..I have a tendency to use the term "enemy" a lot. I realize that this could be misunderstood quite easily. To make it clear: I don't really have dire enemies..it's not like I'm going to get all fistacuffs in a dark alley one day with them. And oftentimes when I use the term enemy, I am actually talking about myself and the struggles that I have within to be the person that I want to be (my worst enemies are always internal, not external). But...the more I started to think about this term...and my reaction to it ..how I wanted to explain it away, justify it, deny it, etc...I came to think that perhaps it was an insidious limiting belief that I had within me. The fact that it hit a nerve, but I didn't want to change it...made me challenge myself to change it! Now! Today! Not tomorrow. I want to shift from this term "enemy" to having the belief that we are all connected deeply. I see the benefit in this in so many ways. Not only will I never feel alone in my darkest moments of hardship and struggle, but I will reach out more to others when I see that they need it...And also when they don't. To regard us all as friends..even if we're not friends yet. :-) There's a term called Schadenfreude..it means to be happy at someone elses misfortune. Not that I partake in this much...although there is a very amusing site here:http://www.scalzi.com/whatever/004492.html on how to make a Schadenfreude Pie. Tooooo funny! :-D Schadenfreude is not something that would be possible if I regarded us as being one. It's like that saying, that to hurt another would be like your right hand cutting off your left. -That you are hurting yourself in hurting them or even rejoicing in thier downfall...because to see us as separate is an illusion. I read that there is a Buddhist term called Mudita, regarded as the opposite of Schadenfreude. It means to rejoice at someone elses happiness. Now..this shit is eeeeaaasy with the people you like. Your Momma, Daddy, baby sister, big brother, husband, wife, best friend, etc. The real challenge lies in the other people...The ones where I take a step back and think and smile (while tilting my head slightly) when I think of them as being reincarnated versions of my previous son or daughter, father, or mother. I like to think of them that way...because it gets me closer to my sense of humanity and love. My mom is someone who has the purest and deepest love for me..She will always want my happiness for me. She will always cheer for me and be my friend. She will love me no matter what. And she will forgive me for all of my "Mis-Takes". She will always see the greatness within me. It is a deep and unshakable belief in her, that I posess this greatness. And I would like to regard others that way.