Jun. 1st, 2009
5:55 PM


It's the end of the work day, and I'm still alive. I did not hurl myself off of any cliffs or swallow my tongue for lunch. Work was good. I was notably less sparkly and happy. I hate that. I did get my car registration renewed at lunch, and also spoke with a pool guy about getting a free estimate to get the pool up and running again. I think we actually have all of the parts. We just need someone who knows what to do with them, and doesn't mind hopping into the grossness that is our pool currently. If it's not too bad, pricewise, it looks like I will be chilling out by a pool this summer. It's time for a flurry of life improvement/drastic-try-anythingness. I need to find a way to make my life awesome. Not just barable for now. I'm still hopelessly addicted and in love with Joshua. I pretty much only want to be with him. When I think about my life and what I want, I know that I want him here. It's crazy, destructive, and really bad for me. And yet, it is really what my heart of hearts wants. I love him in a forever kind of way. At least that is what I can see on the horizon right now. Who knows about tomorow? I am the biggest jerk ever to myself. I really am. After we fought and had the uncool end, I went out and bought him two bags of groceries as a peace offering and appology. I couldn't bear the end being so bad. Being so painful. He will not speak with me right now. And honestly, I am the one who is begging. I am the one who is bending and willing to change/do-anything/forgive/love/try/talk. I am alone in this willingness. He is depressed, in Truckee, unemployed, and playing video games. His girlfriend comes back in two weeks. I hate all of this. I want them to break up. For hiim to come home and live with me. To love me. And be my sweetheart. I want fo have fun and laugh together. I want everything. And it seems so distant and impossible right now. And then I want to die.
Groups:Inner Circle Peeps

Comments


kitty8fish wrote:
Jun. 2nd, 2009 04:31 pm 
I love you. I want whatever makes you happy. I do not think it is inaccurate to say that this relationship has many of the same characteristics as addiction. Perhaps down the road... well, I hope you can look back and say, ¨never again.¨ Never to let yourself be treated that way again, knowing now that the carrot is always farther away than the stick. Addictions are hard to kick -- that´s essentially their definition. But I believe in you and I believe that you can feel this strongly about someone who does treat you the way you deserve to be treated (which is like a goddess... and I´m not joking).

Remember that you are absolutely amazing. All your friends are in awe of you. We have your back and we are hoping every day for your happiness.


vanmedi wrote:
Jun. 2nd, 2009 07:37 pm
Thanks Leslie. Especially about the last part. ...Are you back yet? Let's hang out when you are. Dude...you know what would be perfect timing??? If my mom could get admitted for physical rehab when you're here, that way, we could take a road trip to Yosemite. :-)