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Showing posts with label Joshua. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Joshua. Show all posts
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Detox
The First Time I've Dreamed Of Him Since...
Aug. 20th, 2009 at 7:38 AM
Last night was the first time that I had dreamed of him since the break up. In my dream he was fat again. Slovenly. Whiskers growing out. Not quite a beard. In my dream he broke up with me again. It was another ambush. Another surprise. This time I got to meet Alison. She was a child. She looked like a 13 year old boy. Awkward. She had short hair, but it was not stylish like mine. And as it turns out, she was not "stupid" as Joshua had told me, just young and unformed. She didn't have a stand alone spirit yet. She was ignorant, but could obviously (to me at least, if not to him) be taught. Her unformed personality, and tendency to follow and cower however is what he liked about her. It allowed him to mold her and manipulate her easily. Unlike me. I was too much of a challenge. Would speak up against his abuse too much. In my dream I wasn't sad about the loss of the relationship. I didn't mourn it as I did in real life. But I was angry at how he pretended to others that I was a bad person. That I somehow deserved to be treated the way he treated me. In my dream however, I had lost my respect for him...which allowed me to see right through him, and not care about him anymore. I did however feel sorry for the next girl. I did wish that I could somehow free Alison and let her grow up into a beautiful woman who could think, argue, stand alone, and choose for herself.
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Comments
kitty8fish wrote:
Aug. 21st, 2009 08:57 pm
you are such a beautiful, kind and loving person. this dream seems full of messages.
vanmedi wrote:
Aug. 22nd, 2009 10:27 am
Thanks. Yeah. This dream was really vivid for me. I can't believe how much I remembered from it, even days later. I usually forget my dreams pretty easily. But this one really stuck with me. Meh. I guess I'm still processing.
- Groups:Inner Circle Peeps
Aug. 16th, 2009
12:43 AM
Just got home from Movie. It was awesome! I had a great time. He was so considerate. He called me on the phone because he wasn't sure if he should knock on my door so late. And when I came out, he was waiting right there for me and gave me a big hug! It was so nice to be greeted like that (by someone who was OBVIOUSLY excited and happy to see me!) He opened the car door and waited for me to get in, and then closed it behind me. (Super gentleman points!) And this time around I bought his ticket (because the last time we went out, he paid for everything.) He really appreciated it. It was not like Joshua who kind of like expected it, and then wasn't really that grateful. Meh. He opened every door. Walked with me. Bought me a soda. Probably would have bought me anything else that I wanted...but I had candy in my bag which I shared of course, and I didn't really want anything but a soda. He told me that the licorice and peanut butter cups that I brought were his two favorite candies and then happily shared them, but didn't hog them all. (Joshua would have.) And then he also let me pick out where we were going to sit. We had such a good time. And he wants to know when we're going to do it again. :-) He is a really nice guy. I am still in love with Joshua which sucks. But this is really awesome! And I could totally get used to this kind of treatment. My face hurts from smiling so much tonight. I just can't help it. I had so much fun! ...You know what's nice about this time? I do not have the same feeling of deep sadness that I had the last time we went out. The first time we went out...It was SUPER AMAZING! And I had a blast, but I was also very sad because I couldn't help but wish that I had had this amazing date with Joshua. The whole night I kept wishing that I was there with Joshua eating dinner, going to the movies, talking afterward and looking at the city lights...and having this really great feeling of kinship and fun and camaraderie. ....And also appreciation. It felt really nice to be liked for who I am and really appreciated for being me. I have been a little starved for that kind of kindness in my relationship with Joshua, so it felt extra, extra nice. I can feel that although Joshua is still deeply in my heart, in time, that will slip away. Gradually I can and will fall out of love with him. I just have to give it time.
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Comments
witty_banter wrote:
Aug. 16th, 2009 05:18 am
Oh my goodness, you are a truly beautiful writer ON TOP OF being a beautiful person.
This is such a familiar topic to me, the feelings still so resonant.
I love this.
vanmedi wrote:
Aug. 16th, 2009 08:24 am
Thank you Jodi. It's really a struggle to fall out of love. ...And thank you for telling me that I'm a beutiful person and writer. I need the confidence builders. :-)
Aug. 15th, 2009
6:18 PM
Spent last night with my girlfriends. We hugged, gabbed, ate, and had fun. On the way back, I had a really good conversation with Leslie which helped me feel much better about everything that's going on with Joshua. I managed to get a sunburn on my left shoulder (I was in the car driving.). I haven't had a sunburn in ages. It's kind of funny in a way. I realize that I've gotten used to slathering on my sunscreen...but forgot this morning. Ha! I have a nice white bra-strap mark to show for it. Anyhow...I'm working on the house, and feeling more empowered. I'm going to be just fine.
Groups:Inner Circle Peeps
Aug. 14th, 2009
2:24 AM
Woke up in the middle of the night consumed with thoughts of Joshua. Felt stressed and anxious. Wanted to take another bike ride but decided that it was too late to be safe. Had to take a drive with the dog to just calm down. Felt better. Felt ridiculous. Was glad that I had a dog who loves me no matter what. Unconditional love is a nice thing to be on the receiving end of. Crept quietly into the house. Noticed how nice the hallway looked. Noticed the lovely new bike I have. Felt the new bike happiness all over again. Noticed the bathroom and how nice it looked. Felt proud of myself for working on the house finally. Enjoyed listening to my mom's cute little snore. It's like a tiny little "snorb" noise. You can barely even hear it. But I love hearing it because it gives my heart peace, to hear her calm and safe and at rest. She sleeps with the light out now. Ever since she came back from physical therapy. They turn everyones lights off at night. And since she had gotten used to it, I decided to *not* reintroduce the night light.
The dog made herself comfortable in my room. I decided to keep the dog tonight. I think I need her more than my mom tonight. I wish she'd put on some meat, but I love her scrawny bony butt and all.
Still having a hard time relaxing. Took a night time sleep aid since clearly my anti-anxiety medication isn't working. Decided that I *was* glad after all that I did not cancel my appointment tomorrow with the Dr. Turns out that I still need to see the Dr. I need to relax and get a grip.
Groups:Inner Circle Peeps
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Thinking More About Stuff....
Aug. 13th, 2009 at 11:57 PM
I went for a late-night ride. It felt great! I had a wonderful time. It's late at night so I'm feeling a little abandoned right now. I still wish he was here. I have to think about all of the reasons why this is a good thing.
1. He doesn't love me & I want to be loved...and if he's not going to do it, then it's best that he clear the way so that someone else can. My heart has been on reserve for him. Truthfully it still is, but after this break up stands long enough, I know that feeling will lessen. And eventually, I will be free to love again. I think/I hope/I wish. My mom says that he loves me, and who knows? Maybe, in his own fucked up way he does? But I'm talking about real love. The kind that is gentle, and obvious. The kind that is strong enough and courageous enough to weather any storm. The kind that keeps loving even after it's been hurt. The kind that heals and gets stronger and better with time. The kind that never loses it's ability to reconnect with it's mate. I want that. And he doesn't have it. For anyone. Not just me.
2. He hates his parents. In particular, he hates his mother. This is a really bad modeling structure that he's had for primary relationships. I want a guy who hopefully likes his parents and even LOVES? his mama? That would be sweet!
3. He slept with another woman.
4. After we got back together I wouldn't have sex with him without a condom and he had the nerve to get pissy with me and grumpy.
5. So yeah...I tried to make a joke that wasn't funny. I'm sorry. I take it back. I think we all know that it was just a joke. For anyone who knows me at all...knows that how I handle serous conversations, is usually with a joke. It doesn't make me a bad person, or a threat to society. Anyhow. I'm sorry about that. Yeah. But for him to manipulate the situation and make it into this big thing when it was just a joke...well it just adds insult to injury.
6. My friends don't like him.
7. My therapist has told me that he has at least 8 identifiable mental disorders.
8. He himself has told me that he suffers from Manic Depression and his father told me he was diagnosed with Dissociative Disorder.
9. He is currently in a major depression.
10. He's unemployed.
11. He smokes
12. Let's face it...he's stinky. He has some hygine issues -still. It's gotten much better since he's been dating you...but let's face it, with every improvement, came a bit of hurt, anger, and resentment from him. In the end, it felt like I was "Mean-Mommy" making him do things like: shower, wash his armpits with soap (twice if need be), and oh...brush his teeth after his cigarettes and before he came to bed. Put on clean clothes. Yeah. So I don't want that dynamic. And I guess it would be asking a bit much for him to notice that I've helped him improve and also be grateful. Yeah. That's just not going to happen. He felt rejected by me and acted like a punky little kid...like what I'd imagine a stinky 8 year old Joshua would be like. I don't want a stinky boyfriend, and I don't really want anyone who would be resentful of me either.
13. He was a great lover often, but also all too often would finish and then go to sleep leaving me to finish myself. Lame. I want a guy who won't stop until the job is done, and we are BOTH satisfied. 'Nuf said.
14. His friends hate me.
15. His family hates me.
16. The reason they hate me probably has a lot to do with him and how he's represented things. He never went to bat for me. He also never told the complete honest truth to them, which would have included how he's treated me. Even if he never told them anything bad...he's also never told them anything good either. It was never apparent to them that he loved me and that we were a team. Early on April got it in her head that she could be rude to me and treat me however she wanted because I was not sticking around. In the end, it turns out she was right. He never went to bat for me with her and told her to just stop it. That he loved me, and he wanted her to just grow up and work it out.
17. He takes but doesn't give.
18. He quckly resorts to anger and yelling.
19. He holds a grudge longer than anyone I've ever known.
20. He called Alison (the girl he slept with this winter) "a fucking bitch" repeatedly to me. I don't know her. I don't want to know her. I don't like her. But even then...for all I know she could be a perfectly nice person (after all, I am?). And on that note, when he does that, I don't think that she's a fucking bitch...what comes across to me is that for all I know, this is how he talks about me to his friends when I'm not around. For all I know, he's painted me as a "fucking bitch" or a "crazy bitch" or a "psycho bitch"...insert any derrogatory cliche statement that men make about women followed by the word "bitch", and it seems possible that he's said it about me. (Well not really..but you get the idea...by him putting her down, it just tells me about HIS character, not hers. Which then leads me to wonder how he's spoken about me, particularly in his less than happy moments with me.) It doesn't give me a sense of love and stability. Which is what I want in a relationship. I want to be loved. I want to be respected. I ALSO want to have room to have my feelings and be angry sometimes...especially if he does something that isn't nice. I should be able to be angry about it and not be marginalized as a fucking bitch. My feelings should be heard and cared about. And he should want to TALK. And work things out. Joshua doesn't work this way unless it's convenient and easy. Only when he needs something does he do that. It's hard for me to put a finger on it...but that last sentence was getting closer...I think what I want is a man who will want to talk and work things out even when it's hard, and he doesn't necisarily "have to"...not because he stands to gain something...I want a guy who can stand alone, so that for him to want to come and talk with me really is optional, and for him to do it, is because he really wants to and he really wants me. Because he loves me.
Groups:Inner Circle Peeps
Comments
witty_banter wrote:
Aug. 16th, 2009 05:34 am
Wow, I had no idea you had posted so many LJ entries recently! Let alone so many reflective and wise ones.
This is a good exercise for you -- maybe it would even help to write down the things you do like? For a balance? I don't know.
I definitely DO agree with your doctor on the at least 8 identifiable mental disorders...
Anyway -- this reveals a lot about the depth of love you have for yourself, despite everything, and that's the most important thing for a girl to have.
vanmedi wrote:
Aug. 16th, 2009 08:36 am
Thanks. At first I was a little afraid that people would think that I had gone off the deep end. But then I was like "no no...I have to work this out with myself and process my feelings...and reflect on the situation." And writing just seemed to be one of the best ways to do that, especially since it was always readily available to me no matter what time of night it was. :-)
Crawling Into Bed With Mom
Aug. 13th, 2009 at 9:10 AM
I have an 2:45 appointment tommorrow with Dr. Armstrong who ever that is? My Doctor's schedule is full so I'm seeing someone else in her group. I just need to do something. I woke up this morning wishing that I was dead. I can't go on like this. It's so painful.
I had a painful knot in my stomache last night which woke me up. I padded my way barefoot, down the hall to the bathroom in the dark. I kept the lights off intentionally. I've had insomnia for ages, and one of the things that I read about insomnia said that if you have to get up in the night to use the bathroom, to try to keep the lights off because when you turn them all on, it's like a signal to your brain that it's time to wake up. It said to try to stay in that sleep mode. So there I was in the dark, when I heard my moms voice. "Hello? Is that you?"
"Yes, it's me mom."
"Are you ok?"
"Yes. I'm just going to the bathroom."
"Oh. OK. I love you."
"I love you too."
"Where are you? Come here."
After I flushed and washed my hands, I went to her room.
"Where are you?" She said again. I reached out my hands in the dark and found her. She had her hands up by her face, searching the darkness around her for me. I gently touched her hands and moved around behind her and crawled into bed with her. She grabbed a hold of one of my arms and wrapped it around her and lay back. "Are you missing What's-his-name?"
I laughed. "Yeah. Ol' What's-his-name...yeah...that guy. I wish I could forget him as easily as you."
She laughed too. "I'm sure he loves you."
Groups:Inner Circle Peeps
Mood:Broken
Aug. 12th, 2009
7:59 PM
Got out of the house. Met up with Sasha and two of her friends at the Wednesday night market. I honestly don't like her two friends, but shrugged it off because I needed to get out and socialize. I wanted to be with people and feel alive. Sasha asked me quietly when Cat and Stephen were getting a deep fried twinkie if I was ok? I smiled and shrugged. Indicating that I was so-so. She knew I wasn't ok. and asked what was up. I didn't want to talk about it because it was the whole reason I was getting out of the house in the first place. Then she told me that she had seen Joshua. She and her boyfriend ran into him at Oliver's. She said it was about two weeks ago. It must have been when he first came into town. I shrugged it off and tried to focus on being at the market. But I just felt like I was about to cry. I didn't want to. So I looked at a few booths trying to shrug off that feeling, but it kept coming up again and again for me. I would push it down, and it would come back up. Finally I just told Sash that I was taking off and hugged her goodbye. I made it all the way back to my car, and almost home before I began to cry at a stoplight. I hate that. I was crying as I came into the house. I washed off a fresh peach and gave it to my mother and gave her some fresh raspberries, and then told her that I needed a moment to myself in my bedroom but that I was going to be allright. I feel horrid. I don't know how to fix this. I am so sad and broken feeling right now. All that I want is for him to be here. I really love him.
Groups:Inner Circle Peeps
Reconciling Myself With Failure
Aug. 12th, 2009 at 5:03 PM
Sometimes making peace with failure is the hardest thing to do. I guess it's because it's a tricky subject. I think of all of those people who quit when their goals were actually possible. When they were more than capable of finding a way to improve an overwhelmingly bad situation. And they just lost heart, courage, and their own inner confidence. I don't want to be like that. But I also don't want to sink everything I've got in a man who doesn't love me. I want to be smart. I want to be good to myself. I also want to be happy. Reconciling myself with failure is very hard to do. Viewing this failure as a win seems also like lying to myself. I'm a work in progress, but I'm sure I'll get there eventually.
Location:Home
Groups:Inner Circle Peeps
Mood: blah
My Wubby
August 4th, 2009; 7:24 AM
Last nights sleep was very calming and restorative. I strangely kept dreaming/thinking of the term "my wubby". It was like I was wrapped up in my own soothing comfort and love. Tenderness for me. I awoke to realize that it's ok. Everything is ok. I am more than capable of taking care of myself and dealing successfully with this. And in all honesty it will only be a matter of time until I am upgraded in life to a first-class dude. I just have to be smart enough to take the ticket this time and stop flying coach. I can do this. Really I can. I am rising to this challenge and calling off the 24 hour open window. The window to talk is now officially closed. Because I really want someone who deals with things in a calm and open/honest manner. Someone who treats me well and does what they say they will do. And someone who reciprocates my kindness, love, and nurturance. Joshua is not that guy. And it's ok. I will be fine with this. In fact, if I search deep, I can actually start to get excited about this. He is not the one! I don't have to help him, or deal with his psychological issues. I don't have to take care of him or forgive things that are very hard and hurt me deeply. I can actually have a space to feel my true feelings and be pissed off about this. And it's ok. I can also just tell him to go jump in the lake with all of his high-drama bullshit. I don't need it in my life. I am going to be just fine. I don't have to fight my friends to "give him a chance...blablablalbla...he's really a nice guy..bla blablabity bla bla...he just had a rough childhood, which is now impacting his ability to (insert whatever ball he's dropped recently that you feel you need to make an excuse for here)...." Nope! I don't have to do that ever again. He really is broken. And that's OK. I can wish him luck or not...but the most important thing is for me to disentagle myself from him. To stop caring about what he thinks/says (particularly about me and our relationship)/feels and how he represents "the truth". I need to be ok with just not giving a damn about him and his circle of peeps. They can have their rumor/gossip mill if they want to waste their time. And I can just get on with the business of living life. I used to think that it was really important that Joshua understood how much I loved him and that we worked out any misunderstandings or bad communications. But now I see that NO...it really isn't important that he understands any of that. What IS important is that I stop caring about what he gets and what he doesn't. What IS important is that I just cut him off and out of my life. No. I don't want to be "friends." My bar for friendship is much higher actually...and he doesn't even come close to meeting the criteria for friendship. None of my friends would ever treat me this way. Period. Being calming and comforting to myself helped me to realize all of this. I treat myself much better than Joshua ever did or is capable of. And it is prefferable to be alone in my bed (calm, happy, and feeling loved...even if it's only by me!) than to be stressed out with a guy who treats me like shit repeatedly.
Last nights sleep was very calming and restorative. I strangely kept dreaming/thinking of the term "my wubby". It was like I was wrapped up in my own soothing comfort and love. Tenderness for me. I awoke to realize that it's ok. Everything is ok. I am more than capable of taking care of myself and dealing successfully with this. And in all honesty it will only be a matter of time until I am upgraded in life to a first-class dude. I just have to be smart enough to take the ticket this time and stop flying coach. I can do this. Really I can. I am rising to this challenge and calling off the 24 hour open window. The window to talk is now officially closed. Because I really want someone who deals with things in a calm and open/honest manner. Someone who treats me well and does what they say they will do. And someone who reciprocates my kindness, love, and nurturance. Joshua is not that guy. And it's ok. I will be fine with this. In fact, if I search deep, I can actually start to get excited about this. He is not the one! I don't have to help him, or deal with his psychological issues. I don't have to take care of him or forgive things that are very hard and hurt me deeply. I can actually have a space to feel my true feelings and be pissed off about this. And it's ok. I can also just tell him to go jump in the lake with all of his high-drama bullshit. I don't need it in my life. I am going to be just fine. I don't have to fight my friends to "give him a chance...blablablalbla...he's really a nice guy..bla blablabity bla bla...he just had a rough childhood, which is now impacting his ability to (insert whatever ball he's dropped recently that you feel you need to make an excuse for here)...." Nope! I don't have to do that ever again. He really is broken. And that's OK. I can wish him luck or not...but the most important thing is for me to disentagle myself from him. To stop caring about what he thinks/says (particularly about me and our relationship)/feels and how he represents "the truth". I need to be ok with just not giving a damn about him and his circle of peeps. They can have their rumor/gossip mill if they want to waste their time. And I can just get on with the business of living life. I used to think that it was really important that Joshua understood how much I loved him and that we worked out any misunderstandings or bad communications. But now I see that NO...it really isn't important that he understands any of that. What IS important is that I stop caring about what he gets and what he doesn't. What IS important is that I just cut him off and out of my life. No. I don't want to be "friends." My bar for friendship is much higher actually...and he doesn't even come close to meeting the criteria for friendship. None of my friends would ever treat me this way. Period. Being calming and comforting to myself helped me to realize all of this. I treat myself much better than Joshua ever did or is capable of. And it is prefferable to be alone in my bed (calm, happy, and feeling loved...even if it's only by me!) than to be stressed out with a guy who treats me like shit repeatedly.
Seeing Is Believing
August 3rd, 2009; 10:26 PM
So much randomness drifting through my head tonight...
A. I love my mom. She is the bee's knees and the cats pajamas.
B. Arnica rocks. Thank god I have a new tube especially since my gracefull self really fell hard today. I think I even hit my face on the door a bit..which would explain the bruised feeling in my cheek and the owchy pain in my neck.
C. Bruised faces and knees hurt a whole lot less than the rest of the stuff.
D. Seriously I deserve better than this shit. And I should be mad at myself for choosing to take this crappy behaviour.
E. Sometimes when you take out the trash...you take out AAAaaaaalll the trash.
F. I am guilty of brining home nincompoops. Nincompoops!!!
G. Dodged that bullet.
H. The load is now lighter. I am better off and this makes things easier for me in a lot of ways.
A. I love my mom. She is the bee's knees and the cats pajamas.
B. Arnica rocks. Thank god I have a new tube especially since my gracefull self really fell hard today. I think I even hit my face on the door a bit..which would explain the bruised feeling in my cheek and the owchy pain in my neck.
C. Bruised faces and knees hurt a whole lot less than the rest of the stuff.
D. Seriously I deserve better than this shit. And I should be mad at myself for choosing to take this crappy behaviour.
E. Sometimes when you take out the trash...you take out AAAaaaaalll the trash.
F. I am guilty of brining home nincompoops. Nincompoops!!!
G. Dodged that bullet.
H. The load is now lighter. I am better off and this makes things easier for me in a lot of ways.
I. What was I thinking!?!!!!???!!!!
J. The monkey threw poo at me AGAIN! Why do I insist on loving a monkey? And why do I seem authentically surprised every time the monkey throws poo at me and acts like a monkey? How else would a monkey act? It's wholly unreasonable of me to not only expect the monkey to behave better, but to *demand* that the monkey treat me better...Hahahahaha...You can use "I statements" until you are blue in the face, but when you're done, the monkey will only do what monkeys do...and throw more poo at you....Monkey's do not give much creedence to namby pamby things like "I statements", "honesty, integrity, and open-hearted-dialogue." Monkeys after all...live in the jungle, and not in homes. They speak a different language than I do...and although there is enough cross-over to occasionally eek out a conversation (oooh oooh ooh eek eee!) anything of depth is beyond the capacity of the monkey. As a human...I should know better.
K. I'm glad I went out.
L. I like Mark's new haircut.
M. The dog made a friend this weekend. Yay!
N. My mom watched over me and made sure that no harm came to me. I love my mom. Even in her infirmed state, she is still my protector. She is my mamma bear. It feels good to have someone love you that much. -So much that they give their all because anything less wouldn't even be a choice that they would *want* to take. I like being cared for. And appreciated. I also like the calm.
O. Bean is the best.
P. I hope Bud feels warm, loved, and relaxed tonight.
Q. Things could always be worse. ...No seriously...they could.... ;-P
R. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
S. Amanda is so adorable. I love her confident, loving spirit!
T. I am going to be OK.
U. I have a job! Ha ha!
V. I have TWO jobs! Hahahahhahahaha!
W. Don't rub it in.
X. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
Y. You know you've seen other people do this...where they get all of the clear feedback that they really need to make a good decision...and yet they do not listen...Try applying the requisite law of variety here and just give those people and their "crazy-talk" ideas a chance. Try anything. Try it all! Even if you don't feel it...try on their words for a while and see how it serves you. Perhaps those on the outside have a better vantage point which gives them more clarity and wisdom on this situation. And if you try it and it is not right for you or doesn't actually work...well then at least you are out there actively seeking for solutions, with an open heart and a seeking spirit.
Z. Try sleeping at night. I bet you'll like it.
Z+1. I hate Verdana. But I really like Georgia.
K. I'm glad I went out.
L. I like Mark's new haircut.
M. The dog made a friend this weekend. Yay!
N. My mom watched over me and made sure that no harm came to me. I love my mom. Even in her infirmed state, she is still my protector. She is my mamma bear. It feels good to have someone love you that much. -So much that they give their all because anything less wouldn't even be a choice that they would *want* to take. I like being cared for. And appreciated. I also like the calm.
O. Bean is the best.
P. I hope Bud feels warm, loved, and relaxed tonight.
Q. Things could always be worse. ...No seriously...they could.... ;-P
R. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
S. Amanda is so adorable. I love her confident, loving spirit!
T. I am going to be OK.
U. I have a job! Ha ha!
V. I have TWO jobs! Hahahahhahahaha!
W. Don't rub it in.
X. Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
Y. You know you've seen other people do this...where they get all of the clear feedback that they really need to make a good decision...and yet they do not listen...Try applying the requisite law of variety here and just give those people and their "crazy-talk" ideas a chance. Try anything. Try it all! Even if you don't feel it...try on their words for a while and see how it serves you. Perhaps those on the outside have a better vantage point which gives them more clarity and wisdom on this situation. And if you try it and it is not right for you or doesn't actually work...well then at least you are out there actively seeking for solutions, with an open heart and a seeking spirit.
Z. Try sleeping at night. I bet you'll like it.
Z+1. I hate Verdana. But I really like Georgia.
For Real This Time
June 16th, 2009; 9:35 PM
You've never responded. At this point I don't expect you to. I check my email everyday in the hopes that I am wrong or that I have somehow misunderstood you or underestimated your love for me. But I haven't. I am well aware of the limits of your love and feelings with regard to me. They simply do no exist. Or if they do, they are pale cheap imitations of the love that I want. The kind that my Grandparents had. The kind that lasts forever and through anything. An everlasing kind of love. My heart sinks when I see that it is yet another day with no word from you. She has returned now, and I am sure that for the present moment, your thoughts are preocupied with her. So I have a choice. I can torture myself with thoughts of you and the love that you are giving to someone else, or I can push you out of my mind and move on. I can focus on more important things like my mom, her care, and my life. Heck, even walking the dog is going to have to be more important than you from now on. I am setting a deadline for myself. By tomorrow, I will have swept the front portch and disposed of your cigarette butts which you left in my meditation stone. I will fill it up again with clean water, as it was always meant to be, and I will press onward and upward. You have until the end of the month to make up your mind. But I know now that there is no real hope. By now you should know. You should know if you are coming home or not. And as I have had no words of apology or reconciliation, I think that is enough. I see that you are not coming home to me ever again. It hurts. But I will live. I miss you right now, but I will not miss you forever. And one day there will be someone new. Someone who will love me for real this time.
You've never responded. At this point I don't expect you to. I check my email everyday in the hopes that I am wrong or that I have somehow misunderstood you or underestimated your love for me. But I haven't. I am well aware of the limits of your love and feelings with regard to me. They simply do no exist. Or if they do, they are pale cheap imitations of the love that I want. The kind that my Grandparents had. The kind that lasts forever and through anything. An everlasing kind of love. My heart sinks when I see that it is yet another day with no word from you. She has returned now, and I am sure that for the present moment, your thoughts are preocupied with her. So I have a choice. I can torture myself with thoughts of you and the love that you are giving to someone else, or I can push you out of my mind and move on. I can focus on more important things like my mom, her care, and my life. Heck, even walking the dog is going to have to be more important than you from now on. I am setting a deadline for myself. By tomorrow, I will have swept the front portch and disposed of your cigarette butts which you left in my meditation stone. I will fill it up again with clean water, as it was always meant to be, and I will press onward and upward. You have until the end of the month to make up your mind. But I know now that there is no real hope. By now you should know. You should know if you are coming home or not. And as I have had no words of apology or reconciliation, I think that is enough. I see that you are not coming home to me ever again. It hurts. But I will live. I miss you right now, but I will not miss you forever. And one day there will be someone new. Someone who will love me for real this time.
Jun. 1st, 2009
5:55 PM
It's the end of the work day, and I'm still alive. I did not hurl myself off of any cliffs or swallow my tongue for lunch. Work was good. I was notably less sparkly and happy. I hate that. I did get my car registration renewed at lunch, and also spoke with a pool guy about getting a free estimate to get the pool up and running again. I think we actually have all of the parts. We just need someone who knows what to do with them, and doesn't mind hopping into the grossness that is our pool currently. If it's not too bad, pricewise, it looks like I will be chilling out by a pool this summer. It's time for a flurry of life improvement/drastic-try-anythingness. I need to find a way to make my life awesome. Not just barable for now. I'm still hopelessly addicted and in love with Joshua. I pretty much only want to be with him. When I think about my life and what I want, I know that I want him here. It's crazy, destructive, and really bad for me. And yet, it is really what my heart of hearts wants. I love him in a forever kind of way. At least that is what I can see on the horizon right now. Who knows about tomorow? I am the biggest jerk ever to myself. I really am. After we fought and had the uncool end, I went out and bought him two bags of groceries as a peace offering and appology. I couldn't bear the end being so bad. Being so painful. He will not speak with me right now. And honestly, I am the one who is begging. I am the one who is bending and willing to change/do-anything/forgive/love/try/talk. I am alone in this willingness. He is depressed, in Truckee, unemployed, and playing video games. His girlfriend comes back in two weeks. I hate all of this. I want them to break up. For hiim to come home and live with me. To love me. And be my sweetheart. I want fo have fun and laugh together. I want everything. And it seems so distant and impossible right now. And then I want to die.
Groups:Inner Circle Peeps
Comments
kitty8fish wrote:
Jun. 2nd, 2009 04:31 pm
I love you. I want whatever makes you happy. I do not think it is inaccurate to say that this relationship has many of the same characteristics as addiction. Perhaps down the road... well, I hope you can look back and say, ¨never again.¨ Never to let yourself be treated that way again, knowing now that the carrot is always farther away than the stick. Addictions are hard to kick -- that´s essentially their definition. But I believe in you and I believe that you can feel this strongly about someone who does treat you the way you deserve to be treated (which is like a goddess... and I´m not joking).
Remember that you are absolutely amazing. All your friends are in awe of you. We have your back and we are hoping every day for your happiness.
vanmedi wrote:
Jun. 2nd, 2009 07:37 pm
Thanks Leslie. Especially about the last part. ...Are you back yet? Let's hang out when you are. Dude...you know what would be perfect timing??? If my mom could get admitted for physical rehab when you're here, that way, we could take a road trip to Yosemite. :-)
"Ow" -"Stop Poking It"..."Ow" -"Stop Poking It"..."Ow" -"Stop Poking It"...
Jun. 1st, 2009 at 3:19 AM
You really broke my heart. I feel totally out of control. I know what I should want. I know how I should behave. I know how I should feel and what is logical. I know what I would tell someone else in my situation. I also know from a strategy point, what is the best course of action. But I cannot stop myself. I just can't. Even with medication, I can't. I wish I had more control over myself. I wish I could stop and just be good to myself. I just feel inexplicably drawn to you. Where ever you are is where I want to be. I love you. I want you by my side every night. I want to share everything wonderful with you and love you deeply forever. I want to feel what it is like to be included and held by you. To have you be good to me. But that just isn't going to happen. Or rather, it isn't going to happen in a reliable and consistent way. There will always be some sort of painful pulling back of you from me. There will always be the mean-spirited child inside of you that doesn't want to invite me to your birthday party but does want me to invite you to mine. Or the selfish child that just want his way all of the time, with no regard for the feelings or lives of others. I cannot win in this situation. To continue on would be tantamount to me electing to live a life of pain and sorrow. To put myself through vouluntary pain. And I (with the exception of you) am no wrist-cutter. I need to end this exception. It is very bad for me. I have honestly used you as a distraction from the pain of losing my mother to her illness. Only a more vicious and shocking pain could compete with her loss. I've thought long and hard about it, and that is the only logical reason that I can find, as to why I would keep loving you and keep you around in my life after all that you have done to me. -You have served a purpose. But it is so bad for me. It is killing my spirit every day that I continue on this way. And I am poisoning my ideas of what love really is and feels like. Before you, I had never known the pain of a broken-heart. I was unafraid and loved freely, deeply, and without restraint. And you basked in that love. You soaked it in and felt adored. But unlike me, you were not able to love like that. Your love was filled with pain, and fear. Scorekeeping and grudge-matches. Your kind of love was all about evening the score and punishing those that you felt had wronged you. You were selfish and cruel with me. Unfair, and deeply hurtful. I have learned all about untrustworthines, and deciet from you. I have learned about holding back the good stuff, and how some people can sadistically trickle out just enough love for their partner to subsist and stay, but never feel drenched in it. Never feel completely content and safe in that love. And yet, I still adore you. Worship at your temple. Want you so badly that my heart aches. I have to stop myself. I'm going to process this out of my system. Weather I like it or not. I have to find a way to fall out of love with you. I miss you so much. And you never responded to my letters like you said you would. When we spoke in person, you still said you were planning on it, but it's been a month now. You responded that you didn't put a date on it. And my heart broke again at your callousness. You are so sadistic and hurful. Anything that you can do to keep drawing out the pain, is what you do. And I have to just say no. I realize now, that I will never be loved by you the way that I want to be loved. The way that I deserve to be treated. I will also never get the closure I seek from you. Because as long as you have the power, you will not let me have closure. You will keep me drawn in as your adoring fan. As your constant soft place to land. As your love when you need it. Basically as the ego boost/back up plan. But I do not want to be anyone's emergency back up plan. I want to be first. I want to be chosen. I want someone who wants me in their life so much that they would do anything to make sure that I felt loved, supported, appreciated, and secure. I want someone who is my friend and partner. Who is honest and trustworthy. Who is forgiving and focuses more on what is trying to be conveyed and the heart of the matter instead of the minute details of technicalities and "no, no, no, you said this!" I want someone who cares about my feelings deeply and in a way where his actions demonstrate that care and love. Who doesn't do things like cheat on me, steal, and lie. Someone who maybe even had a happy childhood, and perhaps even loves his mama. That would be nice. I want someone who doesn't yell all of the time. Who listens to me. Who doesn't push me so far that I finally crack and scream out what I've been holding in and trying to quash with forgiveness, patience, compassion, and endless second-chances. I don't usually scream. I don't actually lose my cool *that much*. But with you, it's a whole other story. I find myself regularly feeling livid. Feeling like shit. Feeling so much pain that I feel the tears welling up and wishing that a broken heart could just kill me. To be out of pain. To find peace. I wish so many things in such divergent directions. I wish I was with you right now, being loved by you and held by you. Holding you in return. I want you here with me. I also wish I had never met you. Never loved you. Never felt such unspeakable lows and disgrace as I have felt with you. I hate myself for not being able to switch it off.
Groups:Inner Circle Peeps
Same Same
May 19th, 2009; 9:37 PM
Lisa is his friend on Facebook! Lisa! That old married lady that has been stringing him along for years. She is so like him, in that they are both completely self centered. She is married. She has two kids. She also has caused immense pain to me, and also pain to Joshua. She has helped create a situation, where Joshua cannot be in a healthy relationship and neither can she. I mean how loving can her marriage be if she makes causes like these? If she lies and does things which would undermine the intimacy, trust, stability, and happiness of her whole family? He is by no means innocent. He after all maintained this relationship with her, all while telling me that it was over between them. They seem to have a shifty version of morals if this type of behavior is *understandable* and OK for them. To me, they just have a complete disregard for the feelings and wellbeing of others. It's just all about them. I doubt that their "thing" will ever result in actual sex, or a real relationship. But what it does do is make a distinct wedge between him and I and makes it so that I cannot fully trust him, or give him my heart. To do that would be bad for me. I would not be a wise person if I gave him those things, since he has shown how he cannot handle them with care. He is not a good stuard of my trust or love. As Niki would say: "He doesn't deserve you."
Lisa is his friend on Facebook! Lisa! That old married lady that has been stringing him along for years. She is so like him, in that they are both completely self centered. She is married. She has two kids. She also has caused immense pain to me, and also pain to Joshua. She has helped create a situation, where Joshua cannot be in a healthy relationship and neither can she. I mean how loving can her marriage be if she makes causes like these? If she lies and does things which would undermine the intimacy, trust, stability, and happiness of her whole family? He is by no means innocent. He after all maintained this relationship with her, all while telling me that it was over between them. They seem to have a shifty version of morals if this type of behavior is *understandable* and OK for them. To me, they just have a complete disregard for the feelings and wellbeing of others. It's just all about them. I doubt that their "thing" will ever result in actual sex, or a real relationship. But what it does do is make a distinct wedge between him and I and makes it so that I cannot fully trust him, or give him my heart. To do that would be bad for me. I would not be a wise person if I gave him those things, since he has shown how he cannot handle them with care. He is not a good stuard of my trust or love. As Niki would say: "He doesn't deserve you."
Redundant
May 18th, 2009; 8:41 PM
Aquarius
Put yourself first today, and don't you dare feel guilty! People will understand.---------------------------Like he really needed the horoscope to do that and not feel guilty? Really now? Fate is mocking me.*
May 18th, 2009; 8:24 PM
You make me feel like shit. -So why do I love you? Why do I compulisvely seek you out? How come it is so hard for me to simply fall out of love with you, and have no desire to see you? Why do I defend you when my friends all seem to think that you are slimy and not good enough for me? This is the part that is broken in me. I have a faulty wire somewhere in my brain that keeps telling me that if I am persistent and patient enough, that someday things will end well for us. But trying and trying again and again. Loving you no matter what. And forgiving your many indescresions and heart breaking moments will never end up with me as the winner. I will never get what I want from you: love, compassion, respect, nurturance, and appreciation. I will only get a heaping serving of dirt sandwiches from you. I need to finally see that and let go. You are not kind to me. You are only kind to yourself. Good bye. If you cannot treat me well. Then good bye.
You make me feel like shit. -So why do I love you? Why do I compulisvely seek you out? How come it is so hard for me to simply fall out of love with you, and have no desire to see you? Why do I defend you when my friends all seem to think that you are slimy and not good enough for me? This is the part that is broken in me. I have a faulty wire somewhere in my brain that keeps telling me that if I am persistent and patient enough, that someday things will end well for us. But trying and trying again and again. Loving you no matter what. And forgiving your many indescresions and heart breaking moments will never end up with me as the winner. I will never get what I want from you: love, compassion, respect, nurturance, and appreciation. I will only get a heaping serving of dirt sandwiches from you. I need to finally see that and let go. You are not kind to me. You are only kind to yourself. Good bye. If you cannot treat me well. Then good bye.
You must feel like a monkey among humans...
May 15th, 2009; 10:16 PM
I was doing a quiz today, and one of the questions was this:
"Suppose one of your good friends confessed that he or she is in love with a monkey. The friend wants the monkey to be included in all activities from now on." It went on..but that was the part I found most amusing. Tim knows why.
I was doing a quiz today, and one of the questions was this:
"Suppose one of your good friends confessed that he or she is in love with a monkey. The friend wants the monkey to be included in all activities from now on." It went on..but that was the part I found most amusing. Tim knows why.
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