*Out of order...sorry*
Sunday, February 8, 2009 at 5:27pm
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.
Sunday, February 8, 2009 at 5:27pm
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.
(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click post.)
1. There was a time in my life when I always made my bed in the morning. -This time is not now.
2. When I was 13 I went to Yugoslavia with my grandparents. While I was there I developed a love for mineral water. ...After subsisting on Coke-Cola, Pepsi, and 7-Up for a few days...I was ready to try the bubbly water that tasted (until then) gross. Now, San Pellegrino with a twist of lime is my favorite drink.
3. My Grandfather was a cowboy. -This is a big part of who I am today. It's not on the surface, but it's a part of me. I used to go to a ranch in Colorado every summer as a child, and ride horses with him. I can rope a steer. When I was a kid I used to practice rope tricks. And a lot of my philosophies about people came from how my Grandfather was with horses.
4. Right now, is the hardest time of my life...I look forward to the good times ahead. -Sometimes I have to force myself to do this. I vividly imagine what it will: be like, feel like, smell like, taste like, sound like, and who will and won't be there. -I'm all about the details.
When I wake up in the morning, I have a ritual: I imagine all of the people who love me -and how that makes me feel. Then I imagine all of the people that I love -and how that makes me feel. Then I imagine my life how I would like it to be -and really feel that feeling. Then I get up and go.
5. Macapuno (Baby Coconut) used to be my favorite Ice Cream; now I like Lebanese Yogurt Gelato.
6. I've been to the Amazon. When I was there, I went on a night hike and saw natural phosphorescence; the organic matter on the jungle floor was decaying, and as it would decay, it caused a natural process which would glow. I also met a baby tapir in the jungle and let it's nose wrap around my finger.
7. I am part Amazonian Indian. I'm also part German -which I doubt most people would ever guess. Around here, almost everyone thinks I'm Mexican. Which can sometimes be annoying.
8. I am an insomniac. I've had problems sleeping for years. The only way I know how to cure this is to push myself to the point of being exhausted. Then I sleep really well. But I'm hoping for a middle ground. Maybe a sound machine would help?
9. My mom is the last person I have who raised me. When she dies, I'm afraid that I won't have anyone who'll love me anymore.
10. I write every day. Every November, I attempt to write a complete novel in that month.
11. I oftentimes make myself do something different or try something different. Things like “tofu cheese”, or listening to a new band, or even different ways of driving/biking/walking to the same place.
12. There are a lot of people in my life who I wish I was better friends with.
13. I don't know how to plan my life. When I was younger, it was so simple. I had much less fear than I do now. But then my mother wasn't sick. Just knowing that she loved me and was there if I ever needed her, gave me such a sense of security. It freed me to go after my dreams. Now I feel so much pressure. I feel such a debt of gratitude to my mother. I love her so much. And there simply isn't enough time or resources right now to make things the way I would want them to be. I don't think I'll ever be able to repay her for all that she's done for me or how much she's loved me. But I try to every day. I remember the day that her neurologist told me that she was going to die. I am glad in some ways to know this. It's given me a focus in life; I am keenly aware that every day is precious. If I can ever lend a hand, or say something nice that I am thinking but in the past would not have necessarily said, I don't skip those chances anymore. -Not just in relation to my mom, but to everyone I come into contact with. I don't get upset like I used to. -Not that I ever got very upset...I'm just saying..It takes a whole lot more now, to rock my boat, than it used to. But it has also been ruling my life in a way that has made everything very heavy for a long time now. She's outlived her doctors prediction. But her diagnosis still hangs over my head like the sword of Damocles. All I know is that planning my life is hard because of this. I want to finish my education. I've tried before -with catastrophic results. I've found that it is impossible for me to focus on school when my mom is not well. I just can't do it. But I think I have to rise to the occasion, and try again, and again if need be. Time is not waiting. What I really don't want to have happen is for me to have a life of hardship and tragedy. If my mom lives a long time, then I need to go to school now, so that I can provide for us in the future. Particularly if her disease progresses to a state where I cannot take care of her anymore. But if she is going to die now, I don't want to waste any time. It's a conundrum that I must solve.
14. When I was a kid, I went to school in the Castro. My mom would take me to a Gelateria in the neighborhood. -There, I met the tooth fairy. He had a hairy chest, a sparkley wand, and a really great pink tutu. I knew he was the tooth fairy right off. He didn't even have to tell me. I was really honored to meet him. -I think he got a kick out of me. He was really nice to me. I even got to swish his wand! (This is one of my favorite childhood memories.)
15. I learned to surf a few years ago. I like it because it's better than drugs, sex, anything. It doesn't matter how bad your day is or how heavy things are, you can go out to the ocean, and charge the waves. Even paddling out is nice. I guess it feels like a physical representation of all of my life challenges; the water's cold, dark, it pushes against you, and if you don't have confidence and push back it will overcome you. But it's fun. And in the end you are laughing and smiling so hard that your face hurts. And your body and mind are completely relaxed and at peace.
16. I am totally overweight. Sometimes (like every week) I think about losing weight. But I already feel like my time is short. I need to wake up early in the morning and exercise, but I am too lazy.
17. I can take a shower (shampoo & condition my hair, soap and rinse my body, wash my face, and brush my teeth) -in 5 minutes.
18. I have a lovely Hasselblad that I haven't taken out for ages. I can't afford the film or lab fees on what I make now. It's so sad.
19. I also have a Sinar Bron 4x5 view camera. (Think Ansel Adams, hiking in Yosemite...it's one of those really old fashioned cameras with bellows, and a tripod, and the photographer puts their head under a big dark sheet to take your picture.) I love taking it out for the day and just walking and shooting. It's so different from digital. With digital people just take a million pictures and one of them is bound to be good. With large format, you put a lot more thought into your shots.
20. I have the skills to make more money. In fact, I made more money at 20 than I do now. Which is really sad. I lack the courage to put myself out there now. I think because so much of my life is in flux and challenging right now, I am not able or willing to put myself out there with the kind of work where you have to sell yourself and your abilities. “Hustlers” make more money. But it's a hard and inconsistent living. I sometimes think that I need to overcome this resistance to selling (and also potentially failing). If I didn't see it as a challenge, or something that I didn't enjoy doing, then I would have the freedom to put myself out there and be more successful. I want to go back to doing photography and digital imaging.
21. I want to live in San Francisco again one day. Preferably in Pacific Heights, Presidio Heights, Cow Hollow, Noe Valley, SoMa, or the Castro. I like those neighborhoods because they're sunny and friendly. I would never want to live in the Avenues. It's too dreary there.
22. I miss people too much. I have to learn how to be more open and not have as much attachment. It's hard for me. It might just be this time in my life. I hope I out grow it.
23. Every new year, I make a list of at least 100 determinations. I'm very big on contemplating my life and where I want it to go.
24. I really lucked out. I was raised by my mother, and her parents. They knew how to love really well. Growing up, they really sheltered me from adult concerns. They were very positive and loving. In my family, we discussed things immediately so that they didn't become larger deeper issues, or long-standing grudges or hurt feelings; we did not go to bed angry. Talks like these would usually take place at the kitchen table. My Grandfather used to say “We are going to sit down and talk. We might not always agree with one another, but at the very least, at the end of this conversation, I will understand more where you are coming from, and you will understand more where I am coming from.” There was always an understanding that no matter how challenging the conversation was, we were always friends through it all. This was such a blessing. It was very hard though making the adjustment to the real world, where people are not always like this, and some people are rarely like this. I struggle with this sometimes. There are some people that I love very much, who do not work like this at all. And you just have to have patience, and keep holding a space for peace in those situations.
25. There are certain goals that I've set for myself which are very important for me to achieve. Part of it is proving to myself that no matter how dark things are, we always have immeasurable ability to overcome our challenges in life. So, one of the things that I strive for every day is to simply not be defeated, and to consistently work towards my goals, and not be afraid of the distance between where I am now, and where they are.
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