February 15th, 2009; 8:26 PM
We broke up. It's ok. I have been thinking about it since the beginning of the year. It's those damned new years determinations. I just couldn't finish the list. I kept getting stuck on what I really wanted. I was torn between wanting Joshua to be in my life and to have the best possible relationship with him...and the alternate which was to be completely and utterly OUT OF LOVE with Joshua. To be happy. To be around people who treated me well. -Not with contempt or disdain. Not with rudeness and self-centeredness. I wanted to be in the relationship of my dreams (and I guess I really wanted that to be with Joshua.) But it can't be. So it will have to be with someone unimaginably wonderful. Someone that I most likely have not met yet. Or have but simply cannot see their hidden greatness.
Can I just say how much I hate this? There is never a better time than now for these things to hapen. I'm glad in a very removed way that it did. I know that in the future, this will be the best thing ever for me. How do I stop myself though? How do I turn my light off entirely? How do you STOP loving? And how do you fall out of love gracefully? There is nothing gracefull about this process...at least not the way I do it. :-P
You wanna know why I love to surf? Part of it is the possiblility that I might die. It gives me peace in times like this. It requires focus. It's like a ball in the air...and you have to pay attention to catch it. And for that one moment...while it is up in the air, you are at peace. There is nothing else in your mind. No stupid untrustworthy boyfriends. No dumb bitches who know that he has a girlfriend but just don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. Nothing. Nothing but the ball. I like that focus. I like that moment of peace and silence. The cold dark ocean might take me under and never let me up again. A shark might come at me from below and make me bleed so much that there is no way for me to be saved. I could never kill myself...but I could put myself in an adventurous position of risk, if only to feel a moment of peace.
Why is life so hard?
I deserve love. I deserve fidelity. I deserve to be treated with kindness.
He told me today that he had started a relationship with someone new. A ski instructor. They just started hanging out 3 weeks ago. They started having sex 2 weeks ago. Apparently it's not going well, but she's been very sweet and has been taking good care of him since his injury. Yeah. How do you respond to that? I broke up with him. He didn't really care. That hurt. Oh well. That's life. It's amazing how he could do that and still manage to get mad at me. Oh well. That's life too. I am so down right now. I'm supposed to be at a fucking party. I don't want to be upset at a party. That would be the epitome (why is there no spell check here??) of lamepantsiness. IMO. I will get all of my blubbering out here and now. And then I will move on to most likely blubbering in small groups of good friends...and then I will stop. I will get over it. I will move on with a fierceness and determination that is indicative of my character, particularly in the darkest of times. And I will rise to this bastardly occasion and have a great life in spite of it all.
PS. I will get my bike rack and my money back too!
We broke up. It's ok. I have been thinking about it since the beginning of the year. It's those damned new years determinations. I just couldn't finish the list. I kept getting stuck on what I really wanted. I was torn between wanting Joshua to be in my life and to have the best possible relationship with him...and the alternate which was to be completely and utterly OUT OF LOVE with Joshua. To be happy. To be around people who treated me well. -Not with contempt or disdain. Not with rudeness and self-centeredness. I wanted to be in the relationship of my dreams (and I guess I really wanted that to be with Joshua.) But it can't be. So it will have to be with someone unimaginably wonderful. Someone that I most likely have not met yet. Or have but simply cannot see their hidden greatness.
Can I just say how much I hate this? There is never a better time than now for these things to hapen. I'm glad in a very removed way that it did. I know that in the future, this will be the best thing ever for me. How do I stop myself though? How do I turn my light off entirely? How do you STOP loving? And how do you fall out of love gracefully? There is nothing gracefull about this process...at least not the way I do it. :-P
You wanna know why I love to surf? Part of it is the possiblility that I might die. It gives me peace in times like this. It requires focus. It's like a ball in the air...and you have to pay attention to catch it. And for that one moment...while it is up in the air, you are at peace. There is nothing else in your mind. No stupid untrustworthy boyfriends. No dumb bitches who know that he has a girlfriend but just don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves. Nothing. Nothing but the ball. I like that focus. I like that moment of peace and silence. The cold dark ocean might take me under and never let me up again. A shark might come at me from below and make me bleed so much that there is no way for me to be saved. I could never kill myself...but I could put myself in an adventurous position of risk, if only to feel a moment of peace.
Why is life so hard?
I deserve love. I deserve fidelity. I deserve to be treated with kindness.
He told me today that he had started a relationship with someone new. A ski instructor. They just started hanging out 3 weeks ago. They started having sex 2 weeks ago. Apparently it's not going well, but she's been very sweet and has been taking good care of him since his injury. Yeah. How do you respond to that? I broke up with him. He didn't really care. That hurt. Oh well. That's life. It's amazing how he could do that and still manage to get mad at me. Oh well. That's life too. I am so down right now. I'm supposed to be at a fucking party. I don't want to be upset at a party. That would be the epitome (why is there no spell check here??) of lamepantsiness. IMO. I will get all of my blubbering out here and now. And then I will move on to most likely blubbering in small groups of good friends...and then I will stop. I will get over it. I will move on with a fierceness and determination that is indicative of my character, particularly in the darkest of times. And I will rise to this bastardly occasion and have a great life in spite of it all.
PS. I will get my bike rack and my money back too!
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