Blargity blargity blarg

Jul. 12th, 2007 at 1:57 AM

I feel horrible right now. Maybe horrible is an overstatement but maybe not. I don't know I feel sad though. And deeply hurt. There's nothing like "fresh new hurt" to instantly revive your memory of "deep old hurt". I hate him. I really do. (well not really) BUT! I do feel like putting a dead fish in his car. Something broke and now his back window won't roll up all the way, and I am sadly tempted to use this to my advantage. But I won't. :-( Tempting. But sadly...I am only marginally above that type of behavior.) I wish I wasn't though. And then there are so many miscommunication's that some part of me feels like I really don't have to be this upset. Even typing this and acknowledging this fact has calmed me down a bit. He (Joshua) is so confusing to me. He .......[OK. I just called him. Isn't that horrible and evil and wrong. Oh Fucking Well!] *sigh* I feel much better right now. Much calmer right now. My heart is still flooding my body with needless emotion. Why can't I have an on off switch for this stupid heart of mine!? I talked to him and at least cleared up one thing that was really hurting me. And it was just him saying something that did not have the meaning that I attributed to it. And he did not fully understand the whole situation which is common enough. He doesn't bother to find out if he is missing info before he blurts out his thoughts...That's just his style. But OK OK let it go. Deep breath. (Fuck him!) Ok wait no...I don't really want to put out that kind of energy but honestly that is where I am right now. I want every bad thing that he has ever done, said, or failed to do (but should have done), to come back to haunt him. I want instant Karmic retribution! I want to smite my enemies...NOT *decimate* ...There will be no survivors! I want him to be deeply humbled. Crying on his hands and knees. Knowing what a tool he has really been and how he ROYALLY FUCKED UP WITH ME! How he made the biggest mistake of his life by NOT treasuring me and treating me well.

I need to go away from him. I need to cut him off and kick him like a bad drug addiction. (But then how will I see the pathetic downfall of his life? -I want front row seats.) 

So where does this all begin? A couple of days ago everything was fine. And Joshua was not dogging me out like he is at this very moment. Yesterday. He was having a very bad day. I spoke with him on the phone, and he had just gotten word that he had lost a court case and that he would have to pony up $5,000. He wasn't going to be able to go back to school. His life was generally in the toilet. And I told him that I could help him if he wanted help. I've grown somewhat adept at seeking out and getting scholarship and grant money for school. (something that he and his friends know NOTHING about). And I offered to help him with this. Because a measly 5K should not stand between a person and their college education. It was a friendly gesture and I was trying to cheer him up an let him know that it was only a momentary setback. I wanted him to put it all in perspective and not be defeated by it. ....And then I told him "I love you." Those are words that I have not uttered to him since we broke up 4 months ago. I have pointedly NOT said those words to him. Something that used to flow from my lips so easily. --Like water. I just gave it up freely all the time; it would be impossible for him to NOT know that I loved him. That was how I was raised, and how I wanted to be in a relationship. I wanted him to feel loved, cherished, adored, treasured, and truly and deeply special. --He was to me. But then we broke up and that changed things. I stopped saying I love you. Not that I stopped *feeling* the "I love you's" inside...but I stopped conveying the message. I was trying to turn off the switch. I figure that falling out of love is just as gradual as falling in love. It'll take time but eventually I'll get there. And I was well on my way. Until I said "I love you." I didn't mean it in a "Hey I love you let's get back together sort of way." But rather a friendly, chuck on the shoulder...you've still got me as a friend and "I love you" sort of way. BARG! ENTER BIG TIME CONFUSION NEXT! He...was all emotional and he got all quiet...and his voice got all squeaky, with a lump in his throat, he could barely talk....and he eeked out a moony eyed "I love you". (It's true I couldn't see his eyes but I just KNOW they were mooning!) It was not the same kind of "I love you" that I gave him. There was meaning in that moment. Big meaning. Barg! 

He came over to my house. We had a great time just talking and hanging out...and then yes. we had sex. I know I shouldn't have done it. But I did. And I might just do it again. (Did I mention I'm losing my humanity?) I was trying to be a "big girl" and was very clear to him that I knew it didn't mean anything. And that I suffered no delusions that we were getting back together or that this meant anything. I knew it was just sex. Or so I said..and really believed at that moment. I was fine with it. After all I've been dating someone else who is completely amazing and so much better and nicer to me than Joshua is, was, or most likely ever will be. (add in guilt now..because although said fabulous guy knows that I am dating other people..he does *not* know that I am having *sex* with anyone --Particularly my ex!) I have not had sex with mister fabulous...but I am having sex with Joshua. But let's put Mister Cool on hold for a minute and finish with Joshua. 

Last night could have been amazing. It had moments of amazingness. The intimacy and camaraderie were there. He held me and didn't want to let go. He was so loving. I don't know if I hurt him but I think I did. It was a preemptive strike. I was protecting myself from him. But in doing so I think I helped change the dynamic of that moment. I made it seem like I had no attachment to him and that I was happily dating someone else. And that this moment was just sex. And that I was totally up for sex without love. I didn't love him anymore. I tried to sound casual and aloof. But I think it hurt him. And then he turned his casual aloofness on me. He is much better at this game than me. I folded. I said a few hurtful things that I know I said because I was trying sooooo hard to seem detached but they of course had the exact opposite effect. I said in a cold and businesslike tone: "I have no illusions as to what I mean to you. I *know* that I don't mean anything to you. We are not getting back together. You do not love me. And I am very clear on that." I hurt him. I was so hurt. I need to get away. Clear my head and think. I know he loves me and that I just hurt him and he did it right back. Only in the end *I* am the dope who is seriously derailed. I am the one who feels it the most. (maybe that's not true...but it feels true right now...) Oh...here's the clincher...so the guy that I totally like right now...Well..Joshua actually mentioned him. He said that he would be happy for me and happy if I was in love with someone else as long as it wasn't so and so. Hehe. Funny that he'd say that. And I feel momentarily that I AM NOT READY FOR LOVE. I want peace. Good sleep. Fun. And I wonder why Joshua mentioned him...how did he know? If he knows? And if he really means that? And then even if he does mean it...why should I care? I could be friends with Joshua and reduce mister wonderful to a friend...and probably keep them both in my life. Or I could really go for Mister Cool and see if Joshua would never talk to me again...or what? Or I could date Joshua...and I think Mister Cool is sooooo cool that he would be hurt, but I bet he would still be my friend. Or I could NOT DATE ANYONE until I know WTF I am doing!?! Everything was so easy. Why do I still have these stupid heartstrings. BLAH! I am not datable right now. Eva thinks that I need to tell Mister Cool that Joshua and I had sex. She thinks that a relationship can't start on a lie. And I agree with her in principal. But I just think that if Mister Cool knew that I'd had sex with anyone he would be crushed. Only the other night we were both fawning over "how SPECIAL" we were to each other. And he told me that he wold prefer if I didn't date anyone else. He was trying to be non demanding. He is so sweet. Is it possible to be in love with 2 people at the same time? I have no idea. But if he knew I am afraid that he would be so hurt that that would be the end of us. If I broke it off with him and got back together with my ex...then he could be my friend..but if he knew that WHILE he was loving me and I was falling in love with him...I slept with someone else...especially under the pretense of it being "empty meaningless sex"...that would hurt him. I feel like I have turned into the worst kind of person...and I am like a bee going from flower to flower. This is such a long ramble...and I am sure it hardly makes sense. It makes very little sense to me too. I need sleep. Will figure it out in the morning.