Nov. 26th, 2008
11:10 PM
I have to just let it out. My cousin and I *used to be* close. We *used to be* friends. We also *used to be* family. We *used to* love each other.Now... she is downright nasty to me. I had been calling her, and she never answers her phone. I always get her answering machine, and she never returns my calls. Now, I do recall a time when she was really poor, and didn't have the ability to call me back...as in she had no money, and had no long distance carrier...or even enough change to scrape together a phone card. I also heard from Christine, that she hadn't even called Hank back (Hank btw is her one and only brother...who lives 45 minutes away from her.) She hadn't seen him in about half a year. And she also hadn't returned his calls until the day before an event at their mother's house, that she knew they would both be attending. ,,,Christine was trying to make me feel better about the situation, and to not take it personally. Her take on it was...that Becky didn't call anyone back. Not even her own brother. I finally left my e-mail in one of the messages I left on her answering machine. I thought that if she didn't have the money to call...she could find a free computer somewhere and shoot me a quick e-mail. Or...if she didn't want any sort of close personal contact (like a phone call is like that anyway!?) she might feel more comfortable sending me a non-personal e-mail.
I started out writing out everything that has since transpired...but that was getting long. So I decided to breach etiquette and simply post the e-mails in their entirety.
Please let me know what you think? Am I being totally lame here?
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On Mon 24/11/08 9:06 PM , REBECCA sent:
I got your messages, thanks for leaving me your email whats up?
Rebecca Bustos
On Wed, 11/26/08, vanmedi wrote:
From: vanmedi
Subject: Re: No Subject
To: rebecca
Date: Wednesday, November 26, 2008, 7:19 PM
"I got your messages, thanks for leaving me your email whats up?"
Um...are you mad at me? I've left you a bunch of messages, and you never call me back. And then you finally send me an email..and for lack of a better description, it seems somewhat curt. What's up with you? I was calling because we are family, and I really enjoyed having a relationship with you where we kept in touch and were friendly and kind to one another. Why are you being like this? I hope I am just misunderstanding the tone of this email. I don't want to assume anything, so please respond, and tell me what is going on with you?
This is the last e-mail I sent her:
It sounds like you are mad at me and think that I am keeping your father (who you love) away from my mother. I am not. She hasn't wanted to speak with him or see him. She's sick. And most days she is really exhausted. I have called your father, and put her on the phone to talk with him, so it really isn't like *I* am the one standing in the way here.
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It's so hard to get Becky to actually talk in a way that is direct without it being really confrontational and high-drama. Her approach when she is mad about something seems to be to: 1. Not talk about it directly with you (thereby avoiding all possibility of resolving the issue or any misunderstandings in a timely fashion.) 2.Seething, glaring, and hissing at you through her smiling, clenched teeth. Basically she's a hater. She won't talk about it. She'll pretend she's not mad. But it's a really thin veneer of *pretending*...and the hate just seems to shine through that veneer. She also has a really hard time being separate from her father. Her father called me drunk and pissed off twice when my mother was at her worst. He was really abusive and nasty with me. So I do not give him my private number. That is why he does not have my personal cell phone. I have however called him from my home phone and basically forced my mom to talk with him because of this very reason: He and his daughter seem to think that it is *my fault* that my mother doesn't want to talk to him. She doesn't want to talk to him because most of her life he has been kind of a bully. He's put her down in little and big ways her whole life. Telling her what a klutz she is...or putting her down for going after things like..oh umm.. COLLEGE! My mom loves her brother, but most days, she honestly doesn't WANT to talk with him on the phone. Believe me. I have tried making her. She really doesn't want to. She doesn't have the energy or life left to waste it on someone who is not reliably kind or loving. That is NOT MY FAULT! But they keep holding a grudge like it is. I can't tell you how hard it is to have to deal with my mother's illness without the support of a large part of my family. It really hurts me that my relationship with Becky has deteriorated to the point that she wold say things like this and treat me this way. To give you an idea of our history...she has known me my whole life. We used to spend summers at our grandparent's house together. And when she got pregnant at 16, and was kicked out of her mother's house, and her father wouldn't take her in, she came to live with my mother and I. I gave her my bedroom. I was her Lamaze coach. I was also the person who would make midnight runs to the store to pick up whatever crazy thing she felt a craving for. When she got married in the middle of nowhere in the Southern California desert, I dropped everything, and drove down there with my mom to be the only members of her family from her father's side there. Her dad couldn't make it. I don't remember why. I have been there for her time and time again. And when my mom got sick, she was irrational and angry at me. She blamed me for my mom's disease. (Like I have ANY FUCKING CONTROL OVER THAT YOU FUCKING BITCH!) She got mad at me...like if I had said something different to the Doctors then...my mother's outcome would have been different and she wouldn't be dying!?! There is so much pain and ignorance coming from her, her sister, and her father. And as to her alluding to seeing each other again, and her being "friendly and kind"...HA! I bet! She probably thinks it'll be at my mother's funeral. I feel so much pain over this right now. Thanksgiving. I'm thankful my grandparents (two of the most loving and wonderful people that I have known) are not alive to see the state of our family today. They would be ashamed at our behavior.
Comments
oliemoon wrote:
Nov. 27th, 2008 06:56 am
I'm sorry you're experiencing so much pain from your family right now. :-(
Yeah, her emails definitely seem "off." In the one line about your friendship deteriorating, and it being "clear" to both of you...that seemed exceedingly passive aggressive. Unless there was something very specific which occurred that she is making reference to, and of which you are both well aware (but from your post it doesn't seem like there was a definitive falling out between you two? just a gradual fading away that you have been trying to reverse?), then her comment on the nature of your relationship was really rude. Like, obviously things have not been clear for you and that's why you keep trying to contact her; her saying that of course you both knew what was going on is kind of like suggesting that you're the one who is being passive-aggressive/disingenuous, so she can place the blame on you and avoid responsibility for her behavior.
Again, I am really sorry that you have to deal with all this in the midst of your mother's illness. I hope you are able to find a way to enjoy the holidays in spite of her pettiness. *hugs*
vanmedi wrote:
Nov. 27th, 2008 11:43 am
Thanks Olivia. I was really bummed about this last night. But this morning, I woke up to a bunch of people calling me and wishing me happy Thanksgiving. And my mom was so loving and cheerful. It reminded me that I really do have a lot of things to be grateful for. And although I have no control over how my cousin and her father act, I do have control over my reactions, feelings, and viewpoint. I've decided to go forward with life...and just be happy with or without them. (It's probably going to be without therm. Oh well. Pish tosh!)
I really was surprised but happy to see that you were the first to respond. Thank you for your insight. And hugs! Things here are going to be all right.
Much love back to you!
Vanessa
oliemoon wrote:
Nov. 29th, 2008 02:37 am
Aww, I am glad your Thanksgiving turned out well!
That's the best attitude to have regarding these kinds of conflicts: you can't control others, only yourself, so just keep moving forward and do what's best for you. :-)
*moar hugs and love*
vanmedi wrote:
Nov. 27th, 2008 11:46 am
PS. Are you celebrating Thanksgiving in Japan??? Do they even have turkey there? OK...I know that's a dumb question...but I had to ask.
oliemoon wrote:
Nov. 29th, 2008 02:40 am
Sadly, no celebration over here. And let me tell you, I really missed Thanksgiving food this year! It's possible to get turkey here, I'm sure, but my guess would be that it's really expensive. Also, most people don't have ovens here (just gas stoves and toaster ovens...I am not kidding) so who knows how you'd even cook a turkey in Japan! Not me...
vanmedi wrote:
Nov. 29th, 2008 11:16 pm
I'd use the toaster oven personally... hahaha
witty_banter wrote:
Nov. 28th, 2008 10:33 pm
My goodness.
This made my heart ache. You reached out and told a person, a relative, that you love them and want them to be closer to you. Some people don't have this opportunity even. And she responded to you like that?
I'm sorry I myself have been hard to reach lately, it's been a hectic few weeks and I am terrible at returning phone calls.
I miss you, and I wish you had some way to get down for Monday night ladies night--since there is no way for me to drive you down and back given that I work on Monday nights :(
I want to give you a hug. A real, live one. A warm, loving one.
I will never, ever, take your friendship for granted -- and I'm sorry that sometimes it probably feels that way since I am SO terrible at the phone.
Seriously, if she doesn't want you in her life... that is definitely HER loss...though I wish she would reconsider, if only for your sake.
::so many hugs::
vanmedi wrote:
Nov. 29th, 2008 11:20 pm
Yeah. Meh. We'll see what pans out with that one.
..In the mean time though, I am looking forward to spending as much time and puting as much energy as I can into my more rewarding, loving, and healthy relationships. I have a motor vehicle now..YAY! I'll see you on Monday...and you can take a look-see at my new ride. Leslie already got a peek.
kitty8fish wrote:
Dec. 1st, 2008 02:45 pm
wow becky sure is super poopy. she's all passively being a total butthole. for all the lack of love and loyalty the rest of your family has, you and your mom and grandparents have more than made up for it. well, and hank's cool, too, so there's an exception. like we talked about over the weekend -- she'll come around if she's going to come around (you've put your case out there), so in the meanwhile, invest your time and energy into those who give you better rewards. and i'm not just saying that because i selfishly want you to hang out with me. really! :) love you mucho, turbo intercooler... er, 523i? something like that? i'll be home in just a coupla weeks for the holidays, so we'll have to get some good fun time in -- like tea time! i will figure out what weekend works and email you.
vanmedi wrote:
Dec. 2nd, 2008 01:57 pm
I've called the tea house. We'll see if we can get in that weekend?? (Fingers crossed) If not, then we'll have fun elsewhere.
Much love,
Your friend...Turbo Intercooler. ;)
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On Wed 26/11/08 8:49 PM , REBECCA sent:
Im not mad you, I just dont have anything to say.
If its about being familly and keeping in touch then why dont you pass a number to my Dad so he can call his sister sometime.
I tried calling you last week while on my break at work and the phone just rang and rang. My dad said thats the same thing when he calls.
I am really busy though workin 50+ hrs a week and raising two teenage boys. Im usually home just enough to sleep.
Im not tring to be rude, but Im pretty sure our friendship ended a while back. I really dont want to go back and forth about why or who did what or who said what, but I thought that was clear for both of us.
Im sure we will see eachother again and when we do I will be friendly and kind.
I wish you no harm, if anything I wish good things for you.
Please tell your mom I said hi and give her a big hug for me.
Rebecca Bustos
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is the last e-mail I sent her:
It sounds like you are mad at me and think that I am keeping your father (who you love) away from my mother. I am not. She hasn't wanted to speak with him or see him. She's sick. And most days she is really exhausted. I have called your father, and put her on the phone to talk with him, so it really isn't like *I* am the one standing in the way here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's so hard to get Becky to actually talk in a way that is direct without it being really confrontational and high-drama. Her approach when she is mad about something seems to be to: 1. Not talk about it directly with you (thereby avoiding all possibility of resolving the issue or any misunderstandings in a timely fashion.) 2.Seething, glaring, and hissing at you through her smiling, clenched teeth. Basically she's a hater. She won't talk about it. She'll pretend she's not mad. But it's a really thin veneer of *pretending*...and the hate just seems to shine through that veneer. She also has a really hard time being separate from her father. Her father called me drunk and pissed off twice when my mother was at her worst. He was really abusive and nasty with me. So I do not give him my private number. That is why he does not have my personal cell phone. I have however called him from my home phone and basically forced my mom to talk with him because of this very reason: He and his daughter seem to think that it is *my fault* that my mother doesn't want to talk to him. She doesn't want to talk to him because most of her life he has been kind of a bully. He's put her down in little and big ways her whole life. Telling her what a klutz she is...or putting her down for going after things like..oh umm.. COLLEGE! My mom loves her brother, but most days, she honestly doesn't WANT to talk with him on the phone. Believe me. I have tried making her. She really doesn't want to. She doesn't have the energy or life left to waste it on someone who is not reliably kind or loving. That is NOT MY FAULT! But they keep holding a grudge like it is. I can't tell you how hard it is to have to deal with my mother's illness without the support of a large part of my family. It really hurts me that my relationship with Becky has deteriorated to the point that she wold say things like this and treat me this way. To give you an idea of our history...she has known me my whole life. We used to spend summers at our grandparent's house together. And when she got pregnant at 16, and was kicked out of her mother's house, and her father wouldn't take her in, she came to live with my mother and I. I gave her my bedroom. I was her Lamaze coach. I was also the person who would make midnight runs to the store to pick up whatever crazy thing she felt a craving for. When she got married in the middle of nowhere in the Southern California desert, I dropped everything, and drove down there with my mom to be the only members of her family from her father's side there. Her dad couldn't make it. I don't remember why. I have been there for her time and time again. And when my mom got sick, she was irrational and angry at me. She blamed me for my mom's disease. (Like I have ANY FUCKING CONTROL OVER THAT YOU FUCKING BITCH!) She got mad at me...like if I had said something different to the Doctors then...my mother's outcome would have been different and she wouldn't be dying!?! There is so much pain and ignorance coming from her, her sister, and her father. And as to her alluding to seeing each other again, and her being "friendly and kind"...HA! I bet! She probably thinks it'll be at my mother's funeral. I feel so much pain over this right now. Thanksgiving. I'm thankful my grandparents (two of the most loving and wonderful people that I have known) are not alive to see the state of our family today. They would be ashamed at our behavior.
Comments
oliemoon wrote:
Nov. 27th, 2008 06:56 am
I'm sorry you're experiencing so much pain from your family right now. :-(
Yeah, her emails definitely seem "off." In the one line about your friendship deteriorating, and it being "clear" to both of you...that seemed exceedingly passive aggressive. Unless there was something very specific which occurred that she is making reference to, and of which you are both well aware (but from your post it doesn't seem like there was a definitive falling out between you two? just a gradual fading away that you have been trying to reverse?), then her comment on the nature of your relationship was really rude. Like, obviously things have not been clear for you and that's why you keep trying to contact her; her saying that of course you both knew what was going on is kind of like suggesting that you're the one who is being passive-aggressive/disingenuous, so she can place the blame on you and avoid responsibility for her behavior.
Again, I am really sorry that you have to deal with all this in the midst of your mother's illness. I hope you are able to find a way to enjoy the holidays in spite of her pettiness. *hugs*
vanmedi wrote:
Nov. 27th, 2008 11:43 am
Thanks Olivia. I was really bummed about this last night. But this morning, I woke up to a bunch of people calling me and wishing me happy Thanksgiving. And my mom was so loving and cheerful. It reminded me that I really do have a lot of things to be grateful for. And although I have no control over how my cousin and her father act, I do have control over my reactions, feelings, and viewpoint. I've decided to go forward with life...and just be happy with or without them. (It's probably going to be without therm. Oh well. Pish tosh!)
I really was surprised but happy to see that you were the first to respond. Thank you for your insight. And hugs! Things here are going to be all right.
Much love back to you!
Vanessa
oliemoon wrote:
Nov. 29th, 2008 02:37 am
Aww, I am glad your Thanksgiving turned out well!
That's the best attitude to have regarding these kinds of conflicts: you can't control others, only yourself, so just keep moving forward and do what's best for you. :-)
*moar hugs and love*
vanmedi wrote:
Nov. 27th, 2008 11:46 am
PS. Are you celebrating Thanksgiving in Japan??? Do they even have turkey there? OK...I know that's a dumb question...but I had to ask.
oliemoon wrote:
Nov. 29th, 2008 02:40 am
Sadly, no celebration over here. And let me tell you, I really missed Thanksgiving food this year! It's possible to get turkey here, I'm sure, but my guess would be that it's really expensive. Also, most people don't have ovens here (just gas stoves and toaster ovens...I am not kidding) so who knows how you'd even cook a turkey in Japan! Not me...
vanmedi wrote:
Nov. 29th, 2008 11:16 pm
I'd use the toaster oven personally... hahaha
witty_banter wrote:
Nov. 28th, 2008 10:33 pm
My goodness.
This made my heart ache. You reached out and told a person, a relative, that you love them and want them to be closer to you. Some people don't have this opportunity even. And she responded to you like that?
I'm sorry I myself have been hard to reach lately, it's been a hectic few weeks and I am terrible at returning phone calls.
I miss you, and I wish you had some way to get down for Monday night ladies night--since there is no way for me to drive you down and back given that I work on Monday nights :(
I want to give you a hug. A real, live one. A warm, loving one.
I will never, ever, take your friendship for granted -- and I'm sorry that sometimes it probably feels that way since I am SO terrible at the phone.
Seriously, if she doesn't want you in her life... that is definitely HER loss...though I wish she would reconsider, if only for your sake.
::so many hugs::
vanmedi wrote:
Nov. 29th, 2008 11:20 pm
Yeah. Meh. We'll see what pans out with that one.
..In the mean time though, I am looking forward to spending as much time and puting as much energy as I can into my more rewarding, loving, and healthy relationships. I have a motor vehicle now..YAY! I'll see you on Monday...and you can take a look-see at my new ride. Leslie already got a peek.
kitty8fish wrote:
Dec. 1st, 2008 02:45 pm
wow becky sure is super poopy. she's all passively being a total butthole. for all the lack of love and loyalty the rest of your family has, you and your mom and grandparents have more than made up for it. well, and hank's cool, too, so there's an exception. like we talked about over the weekend -- she'll come around if she's going to come around (you've put your case out there), so in the meanwhile, invest your time and energy into those who give you better rewards. and i'm not just saying that because i selfishly want you to hang out with me. really! :) love you mucho, turbo intercooler... er, 523i? something like that? i'll be home in just a coupla weeks for the holidays, so we'll have to get some good fun time in -- like tea time! i will figure out what weekend works and email you.
vanmedi wrote:
Dec. 2nd, 2008 01:57 pm
I've called the tea house. We'll see if we can get in that weekend?? (Fingers crossed) If not, then we'll have fun elsewhere.
Much love,
Your friend...Turbo Intercooler. ;)
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