November 27th, 2008; 3:36 AM
Current mood:
embarrassed
I have so much to say, and so much I feel like keeping secret. I vaccilate. That is the perfect word for my nature. I go back and forth. Taking tenative steps towards throwing off the covers of convention and safety and privacy. I think of the freedom of spirit I have on vacation. -A time when I don't worry about the wierdo's or con artists of the world...and I am just universally friendly and open. And seeking in nature. But then I think of all of the bad things that can happen to a person when they are too open. 1. You can get hurt. 2. Taken advantage of 3. You make a lovely large target for snarky comments and harsh hurtfull criticisms. 4. (fill in the blank fear here)
I'd say out of experience the worst things that have happened to me when I've been too open and unafraid would be, that I have believed in some people who have monumentally let me down. I mean BIG TIME let downs: 1. The time my father stood me up on Christmas, and I had to walk home IN THE RAIN. (ps. I was a child, he was in bed drinking champagne with a woman, and didn't have the courtesy to call me and let me know he wasn't coming...yeah. Did I mention that I waited for over 20 minutes in an Indian restraunt BEFORE I called...and found out he wasn't coming.) 2. the time I loaned someone my college money, and they never paid me back. 3. really sharing my heart and mind with someone and falling in love...and then having them treat me in a way that..well...didn't feel all that great. 'Nuff said. There are plenty of things to be afraid of if we look. But I don't want to live a life lived in fear. It's become somewhat of a ritual for me. I have to forcefully rend myself away from that train of thought. And re-direct myself. ...This has everything to do with writing (I'm stumped right now. Writer's block...or avoidance..whateve. I'm supposed to be working vampire zombies into my book right now...and I'm afraid to sound dumb. To write drivel. But the only way to get to good is to go through the fear of being really really bad.) It also has to do with unspoken words to a man that I love. But whateve...That can hold. I think the vampire zombies can take center stage for a while.
Now that's a fear really worth getting you down, everything else will always change, it's the one constant we have and guarantee hence the back and forth roller coaster ride. Just remember we take the ride to feel the fear! Con artists, snarky comments and being taken advantage of will not even cross your mind when you find yourself cornered and out of ammo when the ghoul horde arrives with that look in their rotting eyes that says "Vanessa looks tasty". So try doing what i'm doing, don't sweat the small stuff, shower after sweating the big stuff and be prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse. Trust me it has worked for me for years and look at me! Single, 32, broke, under insured and often get told I look like Silent Bob.... What couldn't be better.
Cheer up, you are on vacation right?
MarK