Gentle Bending Reed

January 6th, 2009; 9:20 PM

Current mood:cultured

Today. I have decided to seriously embark on something that I have tried to do in the past. I've got it down to a majority of the time now. But not with everyone. With some people (particularly number two people) I do not have it down fully (or even remotely with some). Some people on the number two list do get a majority of nice. But some of them get good mixed with moments of intense (and admittedly bad) actions on my part. I've found it strange, embarassing, and also bizzare that as far as human nature goes, we do tend to save the worst of our behaviour for those we love the most. It's like they get to see it all. Everything. Including the most shameful parts of our humanness. In my life, for instance, there is only one person who has ever made me so livid, that I trembled with rage, could literally not speak (I could not find the words...and I'm a very verbose person), and then cried. -My father. Now he loves me. I love him. But only someone so important to me could possibly evoke that sort of hurt and anger from me.

A stranger? -I wouldn't care.

An aquaintence? -So what.

But somebody important to my heart has so much power to give joy as well as hurt.

I've made a vow to be gentle. This is a very hard vow to keep. I am gentle most of the time. But the crucial times that I need to be gentle are the times when I am pressed to and beyond my limits. -When others are not being gentle with me. When I percieve treatment to be unfair or hurtful. It is then that I need to search the depths of me and forge the person that I want to be. Our actions determine our character; and I want to be gentle with those I love. (well with everyone actually...but most particularly for those I love.) It takes so much strenth to be tender and loving regardless of external circumstances. I am not even sure that it's a healthy goal? For all of my years in therapy, one thing that comes up as advice for me, repeatedly, is that I need to get that fire in the pit of my stomache. To have some spirit. And not take crap from anyone. So perhaps focusing on a balance is important? Not simply being gentle no matter what. But having primary focus on being gentle. -With the ability to stand up for myself as well.