Joshua

January 4th, 2009; 9:08 PM

Current mood:sad

I just got off the phone with Joshua. He called me. Yeah. One minute we are laughing and having a good conversation. The next minute I am mashed potatoes. I wish there was a way to communicate, where we were both heard, understood, with patience, love and tenderness. Where the conversation flowed easily. And maybe...even in the midst of discussing hard things, we might even laugh a bit and maintain our senses of humor in the struggle. And most importantly...that no matter what the other person had to say...we kept our sense of intimacy, friendship, and love intact. That we are friends and on each others sides. -Not adversaries. -Not enemies. -Not trying to dominate or "be right". That our friendship would be in the forefront of our thoughts.

I tried to refocus and redirect the conversation partway through, when it seemed quite apparent that I was in *hostile territory*. To me...I think clearly speaking aloud what my intentions and desired outcome for the present moment are, is logical. It makes sense to know where you are going, so that every word that follows is in alignment with your goals. So that you don't end up wondering "How did we get so off course? I didn't want to end up over here in no-mans-I'm-super-fucked-land. I wanted to end up over there in Yay-I-love-you-Yay-we-had-a-heartfelt-conversation-and-are-all-the-better-for-it-all-the-closer-for-it-land." So, I gathered my thoughts and centered myself. And I began with this: "I really want you to know, that I love you, and that your feelings are very important.." At which point he cut me off and said something about not wanting to hear that shit...or something equally abrasive. I don't think he understands me or what I am trying to do when I refocus and state what I would like. I think if he got what I was saying he would hopefully agree. It doesn't mean that the following conversation would not take place or that he would not have a chance to fully express himself. It would mean that the lead in would be softer and that there would be less charge to the conversation. He wants me to change my behaviour to be able to be with him. -And I'm willing to. I want to know how he feels. I care about his feelings. I care about knowing when I hurt them and how I can change my actions so that doesn't repeat. I asked him if he would be willing to change his behaviour to be with me? And he said: "What if I said no? No." I don't understand that. It seems so hurtful and rediculous. Part of me has to laugh at it because of how silly it seems. (Apparently we are both 5 when we fight.) -To which I'm sure he'd be very pissed off that I would say that. Oh well. This is the joy of haveing a blog that I know he doesn't read.

While we're at it...I have to say...when we're talking, he gets so angry sometimes at me, he yells a lot. And I try to get him to calm down, and he gets even more riled up and angry at me for asking that of him. It's like if I say "Please calm down. Stop yelling. I'm listening." He automatically (almost out of stubborness) goes the opposite way and yells "No I'm not going to calm down. I'm pissed off!" And I feel like...Yeah. You can have your feelings. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings...but for the sake of having a civil conversation please don't be so antagonistic or aggressive with me. You can be angry and still speak normally.

This might be a little ironic...But at some point in the conversation I was crying on and off. I was trying to gather my composure and equilibrium and NOT cry...but sometimes that shit is hard in the midst of a conversation like this...and yeah. I was crying. And he got even more mad at me for crying. He told me to cut that shit out. He called it "fake crying." It wasn't. And boy it was hard at that moment. I felt so shut down. I felt like I wasn't allowed to have feelings. How do you have an honest conversation if you aren't allowed to have your feelings? If when someone hurts you, you aren't allowed to feel it? It's ironic I know because it's kind of like the same thing with anger for him.

At one point, he told me "You are on such thin ice of never being able to see me again. Do you understand that? Tell me what I just said." He likes to do that when he's really pissed off. He makes me say what he has said either a moment ago, or in a different conversation. I hate doing that. It always feels like I'm about to get beat up. I honestly sometimes don't remember everything. -I'm human. I'm doing my best. But I am a million miles away from perfect. And I know it's so important for him for me to remember verbatim what he says. I would love it if he stopped doing that. I would be ok if he said "Would you please just tell me what you think I just said..you can use your own words..but please for the sake of clarity, and to make sure we are on the same page, would you just tell me what I just said to you?" The primary difference in this approach is that it would be coming from a place of love and seeking out common ground. It would not be an attack but rather an attempt to have a conversation where we understood one another. When he does that repeat after me thing it feels like I am in parochial school and he is the nun with the yardstick just setting it up so that he gets to slap my hands. I really don't like that. I also don't appreciate the threat of thin ice. It makes the conversation so hard. If I'm afraid that I will be kicked off the bus because he is angry at me...it makes the conversation very quiet and fearful. 1. I'm pissed off and going to yell at you, even after you ask me not to. 2. Don't cry. 3. You're on thin ice. so ...OK then...I guess I'll just be listening then. He is angry at me because he is sick of treating me well and having me treat him poorly. There is no way in hell I can even begin to have a conversation with him about this when he is in a mood like this. It would be nuclear winter in 5 minutes. -Which is not my desired outcome.

I wish the conversation had gone better. I've missed him. And when he called I was happy to see that he had. I just want to be able to communicate effectively, not get trampled and for us to both have a chance to express ourselves, and for us both to listen to the other person and care about where they are coming from. I wish it was simpler. I don't know how to get there from here. I wish I did.