Isn't it strange how Joshua vacillates. I know his love is not dependable. I called that one when he told me he was still in love with me. What I didn't count on was how my feelings too would fluctuate. I have had the worst feelings of hatred welling up in my soul lately. All directed towards him. I would not expect someone saying I love you to me to elicit that kind of feeling from me. And I guess it's because he *is* fucking with me. By saying it but having no intention of doing anything about it. And by acting like a jerk to me yesterday. Bah! I know it was because I told him I didn't love him anymore. Only this time I got much more cold, hard, and explicit. I told him that I had never experienced anyone in my whole life be as cruel to me as he was. No one had been as hurtful to me. -Not even my own father had hurt me the way he did. -To which he said "that's bullshit." ...and maybe it is. In some fundamental ways I can see how a fathers failings would exact a higher price on a woman's soul and inner peace, but what Joshua did was so much more consistently painful. He *meant* to be cruel sometimes..and my father never did. Anyhoo...I told Joshua that he was a horrible boyfriend to me. And that he was being, and had been, a real *dick*! And that I did not love him anymore. That I didn't want to be his girlfriend now or ever again. Basically I made it REALLY CLEAR...that I DO NOT WANT YOU JOSHUA. YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.
It's the next day. And I feel kind of bad. I regret having undermined all of my work towards and accord with him. But a big part of me is still saying "you-little-bastard-son-of-a-bitch-you-s
Oh yeah...the thing that tipped this whole thing off was Lizzy. We were talking about her. In case you don't know...she was the girl he broke up with me, to be with. And I asked him if she knew that he had a girlfriend when they met? And he momentarily was a bozo and tried saying that we "were so broken up by that point"!?!!!! We talked more and he did change his story to "no, yeah, we broke up shortly after I met her..." !!!!! But it just infuriated me! WE'RE FUCKING OVER! OVER OVER OVER OVER! Why even try to lie about it now?!!!! All that does is piss me off. I mean and c'mon! I was fucking there!!!! I KNOW we were not broken up yet you ass! If you *tell* me your version of history...that happens to be inaccurate...do you *really* think I'm going to swallow it lie for lie like pablum!??!!!! Ahhhhh I'm still hating him right now! Even though he acknowledged my point...I still hate him for even trying to pull that sort of shit with me! -Bastard!
It's the next day. And I feel kind of bad. I regret having undermined all of my work towards and accord with him. But a big part of me is still saying "you-little-bastard-son-of-a-bitch-you-s
Oh yeah...the thing that tipped this whole thing off was Lizzy. We were talking about her. In case you don't know...she was the girl he broke up with me, to be with. And I asked him if she knew that he had a girlfriend when they met? And he momentarily was a bozo and tried saying that we "were so broken up by that point"!?!!!! We talked more and he did change his story to "no, yeah, we broke up shortly after I met her..." !!!!! But it just infuriated me! WE'RE FUCKING OVER! OVER OVER OVER OVER! Why even try to lie about it now?!!!! All that does is piss me off. I mean and c'mon! I was fucking there!!!! I KNOW we were not broken up yet you ass! If you *tell* me your version of history...that happens to be inaccurate...do you *really* think I'm going to swallow it lie for lie like pablum!??!!!! Ahhhhh I'm still hating him right now! Even though he acknowledged my point...I still hate him for even trying to pull that sort of shit with me! -Bastard!
- Mood:
infuriated
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