Mr. Wonderful and I hung out last night. And it was loads of fun! It was great! Very much so like it used to be. We joked. And laughed...There was a great sense of sharing and interest and camaraderie! I love that feeling. When things just flow and jive and are just loaded with excitement and jubilation. I totally went out on a limb with him...I extended myself to him first...and it was sooooo well received. I can't begin to say how nice that felt for me! So yeah...things really are rebuilding there... YAY! Now I just have to stay FRIENDS with Mr. J. I can do that...I unfortunately don't have the *best* strategy for that...The best thing I've come up with now is to just think *nasty* thoughts about how he treated me...I have a list of fucked up things that he did ...that when I think of...momentarily diminishes his rapport with me. I wish I had a better strategy...something that didn't require ruminating on the bad stuff..because I really do want to be over it (the bad things that he did to damage our relationship and hurt my feelings), past it, and get on to being great friends with Joshua...but so far thinking bad thoughts when necessary to remind myself *why* I really, really, really, really, DON'T want to be in a romantic relationship with him again is the best I know how to do right now. If any of you have a better idea, I'd love to hear it; as I do acknowledge that this is hardly the most *healthy* strategy. Right now I'm just hanging out being friends with him..but if he gets all lovey dovey on me..I think about April George, Lizzy, how he lied to his friends for so long about me, and how he really wasn't very supportive or even kind when my mother was sick. ...And that snaps me completely out of even *possibly* being whisked off of my feet. And in my head I go: "Nope. Not you! You..are *not* what I'm looking for in a boyfriend. I've already tested you out...and you don't meet my needs. We are just not well suited for each other. I like you much better as a friend...you as a boyfriend? -Not so much. ...As a friend? -Yeah." He's just much more consistent and nice as a friend than as a boyfriend.
I just really need to stay on safe ground with Joshua. Because he is not what I want; and Mr. Wonderful *is*. And I can't jank it up again with Wonderful. I just can't. For my sake and his. ...And even Joshua's. Because I don't love him anymore. So the most compassionate thing to do is to try to diminish his feelings for me while still being kind to him. It's not nice to let a person love you when you don't love them. I remember that all too well from when our positions were reversed. And I want to be better to him than he was to me. I don't want to be that inconsiderate or uncaring. And I know it's easier for me to limit contact right now than it is for him. He'll get over it soon enough. It's probably just a little love burp. -Over in 5 minutes or less. hehe.
- Mood:
contemplative
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